Tag: anxious

I have to say it

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I’m feeling low, there I said it, I typed what I’ve wanted to type for days. I’m trying so hard to be positive and thankful all the time but I’m so worried about all this. No one tells me what’s really going on and I’m losing all my faith in the NHS, which I hate. I’ve always been someone who shouts how great it is and for most of the time (apart from my mental health) I’ve been seen and sorted with kindess and concern. Now I don’t know if it’s because I’m older but no one who’s supposed to be taking care of me medically cares.

Everyone’s telling me to do this, do that, don’t to this blah, blah,blah. The thing is? The people I need to tell me the stuff I can and can’t do aren’t listening. I’ve had these fractures for 3 weeks and by sobbing in A&E last night it’s the only way it’s been pushed through. I was treated like shit by the doctor last night, he didn’t care, he any sympathy, I waited 4 hours for his rudeness.

I feel so lost and lonely. Ali’s working his arse off looking after me, my parents and grandparents are all worried and I hate it. I hate it. Sometimes I want to scream and launch things because this is the kind of low I’ve never experienced before. I can’t just do what I normally do when I’m going into a low, go from along walk to clear my head because that walk leaves me in a lot of pain and having to lie down and think again. I’m fed up, lonely and so worried about what’s going on with me spine. Am I crazy?

I’m supposed to be going for a meal with work tonight, I’m a ball of anxiety and not wanting to go. You watch me walk and you know something’s wrong. I know Joe’s going to have to help me tonight and, well, I’m fiercely independent and to me it’s just embarrassing.

I’m sorry to write such negativity, I might change my mind later if/when I go out. I just need a hug and hopefully I’ll sleep this low off later. I really, really hope so. Maybe I’ll write again later.

Much love to you all and thank you for your support x

Back again, for the last time

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Technically this is the last term of my first year, although obviously teach ended weeks ago. I took the opportunity to go food shopping as Mum was giving me a lift back, there’s nothing I hate more than lugging bags of food back from Sainsbury’s in the rain! So we packed up the car, boot full and headed back. 

I must admit I’ve been nervous all day about coming back. I like listening to the noise in my house, I like having people I’m comfortable around, I like having the option of being around people. You don’t get that here. Well I’m sure you do in some flats but I find mine quite a lonely place and I don’t like sitting here with nothing to do. Surprisingly though, after a little wobble earlier I’m okay. I feel ok and kind of focused, I have deadlines, a job and a new flat to work out so it’ll be keep me busy. 

One thing making me nervous though is my mental health support team. I think I’m almost out of ‘alloted hours’ and I could be refused more. The problem is these don’t change with the circumstances of my condition. If I’m feeling awful and in need of help I can apply for more hours, but there is no certainty that it will be granted. I like my mentor a lot, she helps me work through things when I’m really anxious and cutting that off when I still have another 2 months of halls to live in doesn’t make me feel good. I’ll put in the application and fight if it gets denied but this is the problem with MH. We’re constantly told ‘lack of funding’ lack of this, lack of that. It’s taken me 5 years to get help at all, like hell am I letting it go now. 

So in two months time it will be goodbye to Seething Wells and hello to the new flat. I’m excited and nervous and just about everything. I’m hoping this will be really good for me, I wont be forced to be alone any more if I’m feeling down! 

So here it goes, one more term…. 

I didn’t pass, but that’s ok!

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I’ve been keeping something back from you all, something that has had me going up and down more times than a yoyo. I had my driving test today, I’ve been hinting at it on the blog for a few weeks but luckily none of you noticed. Before I start this blog I have to thank my best friend Jen, Ali, my parents and my sister. They’ve had to keep me calm for the past few weeks and it hasn’t been easy, there have been a lot of tears. 

Jens been at my flat for 8am for the last 2 days running to keep me calm and just talk me through things, my driving instructor has dealt with various panic attacks and tears for the past week. As I said before driving tests wind me up to no end but something amazing happened. After warming up before and constantly stalling, panicking and being sick I started talking to myself. Sounds crazy, right? I’m pleased to say despite not passing I’m very proud of myself. I got in the car and had one panic moment where I started losing control but other than that I talked myself through, I encouraged myself like I was talking to someone else. I thought I failed before I actually did but I got through and it didn’t matter. I even said to the examiner ‘before you tell me can I just say for me getting through that was enough, I’m happy’ which is a huge achievement for me. I’m terrified of failing, I don’t handle it well in the slightest but today it didn’t matter. 

What did I fail on you may ask? I didn’t overtake a cyclist and therefore held up traffic for a few minutes. That’s all. So my actual driving? Well enough to pass that damn test! That’s what I’m thinking now, I finally feel safe enough to go out alone in my car, obviously wont but I know I can now once I get that certificate in my hand. Also it passed so quickly and I got my manoeuvre near on perfect even though I had to do it backwards and up a hill. 

I would have loved to have passed today, for a moment I thought I had. In a way though failing on something so silly made me more confident. It means I’m a good driver, I am a safe driver. So I got out of the car smiling ran into the flat and gave my instructor the money to book my test again for after the Easter break. I know I can do this now and it took me 4 times of failing to realise that I can do this! I hope it will be next time, I really want to finally have the weight off my shoulders. If it isn’t I’m pretty certain that I will pass before my birthday when my theory certificate runs out. 

Either way today meant a lot for me and I’ve been happy ever since, I never thought failing would make me feel so good! So here’s to next time!! Oh and here’s to kicking Depression and Anxiety’s butt! 

Anxious, anxious, anxious

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This week I got a great response from writing about living with disabilities at university and it was such a great boost to not only hear from people online but also to speak to people at university about it. The problem is that no matter how much positive feedback I get, it doesn’t make the illness disappear. Today has been filled with anxiety, tiredness and just general stress. Waking up hungover didn’t really help anything but I was still in a pretty good mood after chatting to Dan and then kissing Ali before I hopped on the bus. 

At this point I’d already made up my mind that I wasn’t going to my Creative Writing lecture later on. I was in a bad mood, I’d been feeling anxious since the night before and all I really wanted was my bed, not to have to sit and fake a smile in a lecture that if I’m honest I just didn’t want to be in. Creative Writing is just becoming too much for me at the moment, I’m not enjoying myself and I’m counting down until it’s all going to be done. 

So I spent the afternoon alone watching old episodes of How I Met Your Mother before going back up to Kingston Hill for a spontaneous trip to visit Ali’s new amp case (long story, too long to explain). I didn’t feel great, but I felt better being around him until my anxiety got the better of me. I’m not the easiest person to be around when I’ve been jumpy, combine that with tiredness and I’m a pain in the arse really.After things had calmed down we hugged and I tried to explain why I’d been so irritated. This is the thing about Ali and I, we get each other and not in a gooey romantic kind of way, in a you learn these things about each other way. 

I’m still feeling pretty crappy and I’m not going to do much else tonight. Off to bed I go. 

A productive day…or so I thought!

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Today  I have been very pleased with myself. I got up with time to spare and ended up making it to uni half an hour early to attend my mental health meeting. To put it bluntly I don’t like the meetings at all, the bore and irritate me and I don’t feel like anything gets achieved. I tried to stay positive and got it over and done with despite some really disappointing news.

Onwards and upwards they usually say so I continued, got myself a Starbucks and a cake and carried on in the library getting quite a lot of work done (the silent area is incredible when you have a lot to do) before meeting my friend Joe. I set off into town to try  and get Ali’s birthday present sorted, however I now have to go back to Basingstoke for this!!! I was still quite happy about this when I got the bus home and was given a lovely dinner by my flatmate (he felt sorry for my god damn awful cooking last night… don’t even ask!). It wasn’t until it hit me what this mental health meeting had done did I start to get angry. I don’t want to go into too much detail in regards to other but I’ve been having some difficulties at uni lately and after talking to the right people I now have to relay everything again to more important people and I really don’t feel comfortable with it. So now instead of the happy Chloe I’ve been for the last few days I’m stressed,tired and anxious. 

I’m desperately hoping tomorrow will be better and I’ll have a good day but right now I think it’s time for bed. 

Interview time!!

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Today I attempted to get back into the world of work by going to an interview for a student job with the uni. This will only be a short post as I don’t have much going on right now (especially after yesterday). I thought I was going to freak out while I was waiting eagerly outside the interview room, I haven’t worked for a good few months and haven’t had a formal interview in nearly two years. I think it went ok and even if it didn’t I can re apply next year now I know I can handle it.

Wish me luck!