Tag: anxiety

Other people can make all the difference

Leave a comment

Today started off as a day of stress and anxiety and ended with that warm feeling with my belly (and no, that’s not the alcohol talking). People can change everything, they can make your day lousy but they can also make your day great, today has been the second option.

I woke up this morning pretty stressed, tired and in a fair bit of pain from my spine. I was dreading going to work, felt anxious about meeting and was dreading physio. It turns out only one of those was right. Work made my day, knowing I was part of a team that I really felt could make a difference. I realised that my role is important and I’m actually a respected member of staff, something I’ve never felt before. I spent today in meetings and talking to the rest of the team, I can finally be something of an expert in my field and I can finally start trying to make a difference with disabled students. If that doesn’t brighten someone’s day I don’t know what will.

Physio wasn’t that magical, it was painful, very painful. The problem with my kind of injury is that it take a long time to heal, a long time to come off medication and a lot of pain with no gain. After being told I’ve stopped ‘looking like a granny when I walk’ I suppose I should be grateful but I’ll be honest I was just pretty sore during and after and glad to treat myself to some books in the charity shop after.

This evening others did it again after being a grumpy little so and so after physio, Ali, Phil, Lizzie, Dan and Alex managed to put a smile on my face at the pub. I got slightly drunk and now I’m writing to you all (I’m sorry if there are missing words or just intoxicated sentences) in my little mermaid PJs after my back made me give in. Sometimes it’s days like today that make me realise I need others just as much to beat the feelings of anxiety.

❤

My First Book Club!

3 Comments

11902891_10154152457573206_15901778322869588_o

Yesterday was a busy day, after spending most of the day in the office at Kingston Hill working on The Student Room for results day I was pretty exhausted by the evening. I could have easily gone home, microwaved something and curled up in bed but I’d been looking forward to my first Young Adult Book Club all month talking about Ned Vizzini’s It’s Kind of a Funny Story which is next Thursday’s review. Book Club is something I’ve never done before and after missing out last month because of Basingstoke Live so I was determined to go.

Buuuuuut, determination is hard when you’re anxious. As usual my anxiety reared its head as I was walking to town with thoughts swimming around my brain. What if everyone knows each other? What if I’m the oldest? What if no one shares the same opinion as me?! Part of me wanted to run (ha, I wish I mean struggle to quick walk) away and forget about it.

As usual the staff at my local Waterstone’s were lovely and engaging. I got there half an hour early and had a lot of conversations with different members of staff and got compliments about my jumper again ( It’s says – Me? Wrong? Never. on it and it went down a storm at the office). Then I bumped into a girl who bonded with me over books we loved and that’s just the beginning.

At this point let me introduce Becky who is scarily similar to me and feels like she’s been a friend for years! I think she’ll feature on my blog again! We hit it off straight away, she’s heard of my band (!!) and ended up talking way after the evening had finished. The only worry that came of my anxieties was that I was the oldest non staff member of the group, but that didn’t matter. The girls were great and I’m already thinking of some people from uni I want to bring down.

It was a big step for me tonight to do this when I didn’t know anyone. It’s the kind of situation that makes me incredibly anxious and panicky but I did. It’s nice to do something that only I’m really interested in and meet other people who like it too. I’m definitely going to be going for the rest of the year which is super exciting and something to look forward to every month. So I would say it was a success! I also treated myself because I was proud with two next YA books (of course), a new fox keyring, some pens, an about me type book, a to-do notebook, a new academic diary, Harry Potter Pop and some brightly coloured pens! 🙂

Are there any other YA readers out there who can give me some good recommendations?! Throw them my way!

How blogging has changed my life

Leave a comment

I wanted to start this blog saying thank you to Jenny in Neverland and her blog which inspired me to write this.

My Career ideas 

I’d never really thought about blogging in this way but as soon as I sat down I realised that it’s one of the biggest parts of my life and it really has changed me and my opportunities. Before I started the blog I had absolutely no idea of what I could do as a job. I definitely still want to do the whole lecture thing and that’s the main aim but it’s five years away and even if I get the grants and financial help I know that I can’t just do nothing in the time that I’m studying. My blog started my spark for social media and marketing so professionally, it really kick started an idea for a possible career if I decide not to do my PhD.

11094218_10153902203308206_7298937570844024406_n

My Confidence 

It’s no secret that through school I had a massive confidence drop, I didn’t feel confident with myself, I wasn’t sure who I was or what I wanted to do. So when I started to get likes, people reading what I’d written and being told that they enjoy it. I might not be getting 10,000 views but the views I do get make me feel good about myself and that I’m doing something worth doing. If I’m having a bad day, one of your comments can make all the difference.

Connecting with people 

Like I just said, talking to people online can really change my day. I’ve ‘met’ some great people through blogging, people who understand some of the things I struggle with. I’ve spoken to some amazing authors too, I’ve received notes, preview books and other things from truly nice people.

KATIE

I got to talk to Katie Piper  on Twitter, one of my absolute idols

Trying to make a difference and sharing my experience

I write about mental health because I want people to understand and be educated. I know that education is power and the only way that we can possibly end the stigma that people who have a mental health condition face. If I can help one person or educate another then I’ve achieved something that I’m proud of.

IMG_0894

Something to get out of bed for and a positive way to let everything out 

Depression doesn’t choose the days you have nothing to do to hit you with it’s worst, it’s fun like that. Some days the whole struggling to get out of bed thing rears it’s ugly head and I just don’t see the point. I do struggle like loads of other people in the world but the blog gives me a way to express myself in a positive way. It lets me talk to other people and I get encouragement too. I can use it to look at how far I’ve come too, one of my favourite things to do on New Years Eve.

I have a way of looking back at my uni days, I won’t forget

And if that’s not a good enough reason I don’t know what is. 1907515_10206793085448473_2364060322551983456_n

I’d love to hear your responses so make sure to tag me if you want to write about how blogging has changed YOUR life. Also give Jenny a follow too, because her blog is awesome!

I miss fitness! My thoughts on ‘being brave’ and keeping going.

Leave a comment

IMG_2649

Now I’ve said before that I’m not a health and fitness fanatic. If there was an option between a healthy snack and something covered in chocolate I’d bite your hand off for the chocolate. I made some healthier choices this year, I walked to uni most days (unless it was a Thursday morning, early starts after a late night are not a good idea), I swam occasionally and for the first time in my life I embraced a sport and did it every week. I’m also stubborn and have a rebellious streak. Normally if someone told me that I wasn’t allowed to ride I’d prove them wrong and get on, going twice as fast. I can’t do that right now.

To say that all this stress hasn’t been easy is an understatement. It’s not in the way that people see it. I keep getting told that I’m brave, that I’m so inspiring. To be honest I find it incredible that people are so sympathetic to me fracturing my spine but 6 years of mental health problems didn’t get any cards or bravery speeches, but that’s another blog post. I mean yeah I suppose to other people they really can’t imagine just getting on with life after breaking a vital part of your body, but do I feel brave? No. I just feel like I’m getting on with it. It’s something I spoke to my parents about the other day after people were told about me and just were amazed. It was nice and they were lovely people but I just said to my parents, wouldn’t everyone just get on with their lives? Apparently not, but I was raised to just battle on through.

So after yesterday’s post it’s clear that I’m still up and down, still getting there. Today a low decided to hit. I think it’s post festival blues, combined with stressing about the future and being tired from my back pain. It was relatively normal stuff and I wasn’t miserable or ‘meh’ all day, it was more when I was alone. I realised that the things I’d normally do when I feel bad, I couldn’t do and it just made me want to curl up under my duvet and cry. I didn’t. I finished the book I started reading last night and spoke to a few friends.

I never realised that exercise was something I’d miss, but then again I suppose you don’t until it’s something that you can’t do. I want to do some sit ups to get rid of a little excess weight, I want to sign up to gym, run around with the kids at work, swim without worrying I won’t be able to get out of the pool. Hell I’d like to be able to have a bath without worrying that I will get stuck!

The one thing I have though is writing, writing this or songs or fiction. I have to get out of the clouded stage before I can write anything but I can feel it lifting more and more as I type this. I am struggling a little bit with my exercise and little walks to clear my head. I suppose it’s one of the biggest challenges to my mental health it’s all the things I’d usually avoid. If I try and search for a positive in all this I suppose I can see that I’ve been there once and even though I’ve spent a good amount of time on my own, I’m currently missing my friends like a limb and I deal with physical pain every day I’m getting through it one day at a time.

I know this is a long blog but I can almost bet anything that someone out there will read this and understand. That someone will understand the both freeing and unnerving feeling that I have to go through this low without my normal strategies. I’m ok though, really. I have a good few days lined up and for once I can remember that these lows don’t last forever.

Thanks for reading guys, as usual I’d love to hear from you. Oh! And thank you to every single one of you following me on twitter, another 100 followers in the past few weeks! It really put a smile on my face!

How am I really?

1 Comment

2015-07-12 13.01.35-2

Hello everyone. I realised reading through my blog that I really haven’t spoken about how I am, mentally I mean. All of my regular readers know about my spine and all that stuff but I did want to write this blog to share my experiences. So how am I really? Well things have been pretty up and down. Even in the last few weeks I’ve been taken hostage by my emotions after a lot of upheavals.

Honestly, I have had my struggles lately. Two of my best friends have moved to New Zealand, I’ve picked up three jobs, going between hospital appointments and just generally learning to cope with the pain of my spine. Not all of these have been necessarily bad or terrible all of the time but as you can imagine it doesn’t make controlling my moods easier. I think the tiredness isn’t easy either.

Living with a mental health condition is just something that I’ve learnt to deal with it. Is it a walk in the park? No. Is it always easy? Definitely not. I am trying to deal with it as best I can though with the help I have and the things I’ve learnt. I still have days where my bed is my best friend and facing the world is what I want to do least but there have been some positives. I’m starting to control the anger and frustration in a healthier way and be able to try and talk to the people around me and just admit when I’m not doing too good and just need some time or some space. I’m getting better at knowing what I need too.

I’m not healed, I might never be, but I’m okay with that. I’ve got through before and no matter how bad it gets, I have some strategies or I know who to talk to because I finally have a good medical team around me. I know right now I’m lucky and when I can pull myself out of that black hole enough to see it, it makes me so happy.

So answering the question, I’m getting through. I’m having more good days than I am bad, which for me is incredible. When I do get sad, anxious or start to develop a panic attack I can look at my tattoo and it reminds me one day at a time, that’s all that matters.

IMG_3640

Sometimes positivity isn’t that easy

2 Comments

IMG_3559

Sometimes trying to be endlessly positive is exhausting, right? There are days where no matter how hard you try you just feel like everything sucks and your best friend is your bed, your phone needs to be switched off so you can ignore EVERYONE and any chocolate that you can get your hands on is yours. Ok, that might sound like a PMS day, it probably is partly to do with hormones and stuff but today ended up like that.

I’ve been feeling down, I had another doctors appointment today and I’m not lowering my depression medication, my doctors not comfortable because of how much stress and pain I’m in, it’s not the right time. On top of that my pain levels have been pretty up and down too. Basically as soon as I left work this afternoon everything just splintered a little. I felt upset and angry about my spine, I noticed people staring at me again in town (you think I’d be used to it by now) and anything that is slightly said to me in the wrong way makes me feel useless. At the same time though I have laughed, I have smiled. Maybe this is what it feels like to go mad, I’m kidding.

When I’m around and talking to the people I love I’m happy. Usually I’ll pick myself up, go for a swim or a walk, go do some food shopping in the car or get on to some promoters about shows. My spines really limited me for the past 2 months and I’m not ashamed to admit that sometimes I don’t know how to handle it. So as much as I try sometimes I depression gets it’s own was over my positivity.

BUT this isn’t where I want the people I love to worry, after having my freak out I’ve calmed down, accepted things and I’m ok. I’m planning a few things I can do and have decided if I can’t swim I might as well go and get one of the tattoos I wanted as an early birthday present to myself. Just a small one, to remind me to keep smiling and I’ll be ok, all shall be revealed soonish! Sometimes you just need to let out all of the hurt, upset and frustration.

Tomorrow will be a better day, I’m going to make sure of it.

My self conscious mind

Leave a comment

4f64977c16e3afa5ffc0239ae49d88de

It’s been 7 weeks since my riding accident now, 7 weeks and I’ve had a lot to get used to being slower, having to rest constantly oh and the staring, yes the staring. I’ve always had a part of me that was self conscious, even when I was younger I never wanted any excuse for the other kids to make fun of me.

Fast forward to the age of 20 and I’m finally happy with the way I look, I’m feeling confident and wanted to go out more, then I fall off a horse and get stuck in a back brace and occasional wheelchair. Not the most flattering thing..apart from the fact it pushes my boobs out, as in totally in your face out. I get stared at either because of the brace or because of my boobs, I’m not quite sure. So combine that with my normal anxiety and I’m constantly worrying what people are looking at me for.

This is what normally happens in my brain:

Oh god they’re staring again. Why do they always stare, don’t they know it’s rude? Urgh is it my brace? Why do I look so weird in this, I hate it. Or is it the wheelchair maybe? Oh, nope that guys looking at my boobs, yes they are attached to my body. Should I be wearing this top? Maybe I can throw a jumper over next time, but then the shape looks weird. Urgh STOP STARING AT ME. 

So yeah, my anxiety doesn’t mix well with people staring at me a lot. I got to the point where I really didn’t want to go out today, basically because people are rude. I’ve had to change my life a lot in the last few weeks because of my spine but I think this is the thing that makes me the maddest. Even on my mums birthday people I knew in my home town either avoid seeing me or see me in town and make awkward eye contact and I just want to scream I’m still the same person! I’m still me!

I didn’t want to write an angry or moapy post but I’m still the same person. The depression and anxiety sometimes makes it harder to just brush off other people’s ignorance.

I’d love to hear from the rest of you, how do you deal with being anxious?

Image from https://uk.pinterest.com/pin/378935756118394408/

Dressing up

1 Comment

11094218_10153902203308206_7298937570844024406_n

I’m writing this in the 15 minutes or so that I have before Laura and Amy arrive to pick up me and my wheels for tonight’s society night out. It’s the Volunteering and Society awards, yaaaaay! The Riding society is up for best new society and best president (go Laura!).

No was with many of these types of occasions there is a theme to adhere to, this year was a mix between carnival and Gatsby. It meant I had to find something to where which didn’t make me feel hideously underdressed but still fancy enough while being comfortable in my wheelchair. I’ve had an outfit change already due to to outfit I wanted to wear not looking as good sitting down as standing up.

I don’t know what it is about dressing up to go out but it leaves me in a cold sweat. I’m not entirely comfortable in short dresses/ skirts for a night out and as fo heels? I love wearing them but I’m not great at walking in them. There was a time when I was younger that dressing up was my favourite thing ever, I loved discos and parties and would try ANYTHING in terms of fashion. Now I seem to have developed a uniform at uni of jeans and a nice jumper or t-shirt to uni, with my parka on top and either converses or Doc Martin’s on my feet. In the summer jeans get changed to shorts and tops to vest tops, with some floaty dresses thrown in one or twice a week.

I don’t know what it is there is just this horrible panicking fear when I dress up and wanting to measure up to other girls around me. Now I know 90% of girls do this, they look around the room and try and see if they look ‘good enough’. I try not to do this but I’m human like all of you. Once I’m there and relaxed I mostly calm down but the thought of dressing up and going to a big room full of people I don’t know, especially when I’m in a wheelchair, makes me go incredibly shy, which I NEVER AM!

It’s the huge internal monologue of Ok, who do I know here, do I know anyone here? No? Ok right talk to people, come on talk. Right ok now you’re talking to someone don’t say anything stupid. Did I hear someone laughing, shit is my dress up at the back? How do I subtly find out without making it look like I’ve got a major wedgie? Oh god what are they talking about now? Just smile and nod, smile and nod. 

Usually I get away with it and people are nice and I catch up with what’s going on. So there you have it, I’m off out, nervous and anxious as hell for no apparent reason, which is odd because if I was doing a mental health speech I’d be fine, but this and feeling out of my depth, not so much. That’s me off so hopefully I’ll have a good night and something interesting to tweet about later!

‘All you need is POSITIVITY’

Leave a comment

b5e7d7f50660b49c80a8eeba31a757ce

Yes, yes I did just quote a Spice Girls song and no I do not have any shame (come on I was a Spice Girls obsessed little girl, of course I can quote the songs).

Hello lovely readers, I hope you’re all doing ok. So today hasn’t been a great day, It’s been pretty rubbish although I’ve had some good news (more on that later) but mostly bad, which left me pretty low. I reached a point today after a little cry where I saw up and thought, right I’ve had time to be low and now I’ve got to get on with what I need to do. For now, that means resting but keeping my mind active, doing my physio and then slowly moving up with the goal of still having a great summer. What’s being miserable going to achieve?

Now I know what some of you are thinking, It’s great for her, but I can’t do that. Let me tell you a little secret, for years when people told me to ‘stop being negative’ I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell and fight and make them understand that I just couldn’t be, why didn’t they understand? I just couldn’t be positive, I couldn’t get out of this black cloud and sometimes you can’t. You have to be at a point where you’re well enough and bit by bit you will get there, it just takes time.

Anyway, back to today. I’m not saying I won’t have lows, I have depression lows are a part of my life, so are anxiety attacks. I just want to try and control them, grab positives when I can. It is hard and I am struggling but I’ve been worse than this before and somehow I got through. I know I’m stubborn and headstrong, so I’m going to try and use that to be positive when I can. I’ve got so many people helping and caring for me, the least I can do is try. Although I had an avalanche of bad news, it wasn’t all bad, I’ve got an interview for some really incredible work opportunities, I got to see Joe today and I finally have physio booked!

Being positive with a mental health condition isn’t always easy but it is possible, just not all the time! Take some time to do something you want to do, go back to something you enjoy (for me it’s been sketching), make a plan of things you’d like to do or ,if you’re like me, lists can make you feel so much more in control of the situation (which I struggle with, not being in control make a very stressed Chloe). So even if right now, there is no light you can see in your life. If things are so stressful you just want to hide under the covers, you’ll get there and there WILL be better things to come. Also why not try reading the ‘helping yourself list‘ I wrote about last year?

I hope you’ve enjoyed todays blog, as ever leave a comment below and let me know what you think!

Image from Pinterest

Sundays

Leave a comment

Sunday evenings always seem to make me sit and reflect a lot. Last year I wrote a really long and kind of trying to understand my own mind (if you missed it here is the link). Sometimes I use this blog to manage how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking about, because I just need to get it out there.

When I was a little girl Sundays were exciting, I got to go to work with Mum and Nanna, unless my Aunt could look after me for the day, which she did a lot. I got to go help out on the stall and serve customers or sit in the car with the bag of colouring, notepads and books that I had bought to keep me entertained. The older I got I could go and explore what other people were selling. Or failing that me, Mum, Nanna and Sums would be up and in the car for 7.30 and would go and look at the car boot sales, where I would find things to sell on and make a profit. That is until it got to a point where I’d fallen in love with sleep, I’d stay at home with the dog and we’d share breakfast.

When I was a teenager I hated Sundays, I’d cry, have a terrible low, fight with my sister and look at the numbers on my wall to see how many days that I absolutely had to be in school I had left (holidays, INSET days, weekends, anything that meant I didn’t have to be there wasn’t counted because I was free). It was terrible I’d usually have to listen to my iPod while falling asleep, cry some more and that was that. I’d almost always try on Mondays. I’d try to go to school like a good girl and hope that this day, this week would be different and I wouldn’t be so crushingly sad any more. Needless to say it rarely changed.

281802_10150403134943206_2144707_n

Taken when I was about 16, a cuddle day with the dog was normal

Through the week Mum and I would make bargains with depressed me to make her go to school. It mostly consisted of when I’d get to see Ali and sometimes it worked. It got better though, after I’d hit bad lows I’d have to work from home, meaning I got better. Then I’d go back to school and it would all happen again, I’d get chipped away piece by piece until I was physically ill again. Now I know it was the depression but I just thought I had a super low immune system. Sundays were always the days where I would try so desperately hard again.

Now I kind of like them, I usually have a day where I just do things for myself, lie ins with Ali after he’s been working late or it’s post gig day. I get my reading finished for the week ahead and look forward to seeing my friends and whatever I’ve planned that week. It’s a far cry from the anxiety ridden days of school.

I know this post is super reflective, but I’ve been thinking about the old me a lot this afternoon while reading ‘The Time In Between’ by Nancy Tucker about her battle with eating disorders. I will be reviewing it because it’s incredible. I read a lot of books like this about overcoming and wonder if, one day, I should write everything down, even if it’s just for me. I wonder if anyone would even be interested in reading that? If by telling my story of when I was younger up until now I would be helping anybody? Am I ready to share everything? It’s a crazy thought and I’m really not sure whether it’s just a silly thing or whether it would be cathartic to get everything out.I don’t know but, there we go my exploring my life Sunday brain is in force. I don’t mind it as much now though, because I don’t dread the week ahead like I used to 🙂

Tomorrow will be interesting, my wheelchair is arriving, another doctors appointment (I hope she’s ready for my super anxious mind) and I have to say goodbye to Alissa before she goes back to the US *sniff, sniff*. Hopefully speak to you guys tomorrow.Oh! Before I forget. You guys have been awesome this past week, likes commenting, I love it, thank you! If you have any ideas on the ‘should I write out my life’ thing then let me know belooooooow. As always I love chatting with you all.