Success?

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success

A while ago, I was speaking to a friend when he surprised me, he told me I was successful. It stopped me in my tracks, because I haven’t classed myself as that in quite some time, in fact, since graduating I’ve felt more ordinary than I ever have in my life! At times, I’ve even felt like a failure.

Part of this is the struggles I’ve had with my confidence (it took a large dip after breaking my spine) and the other part, who knows? On paper, and to many people I know, they do believe I’m a successful 22 year old. I have a job, a degree, a home and a stable relationship.It ticks all the boxes, doesn’t it? Which I why I feel so bad whenever I say the words out loud, I’m not doign well enough.

I’ve always had a problem where I both want and need to be one of the best. I was talented both musically and academically growing up, apart from driving I found a way to make things appear as if they came easily (they didn’t). Despite my struggles I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me, for the things I’d gone through, so I worked as hard as I possibly could. I won awards, competitions etc. I felt like I was going places.

After graduating, for the first time in your life, your achievements aren’t given prizes or certificates, you’re not given feedback and a grade on things you spend hours on. So I guess in that respect, it isn’t unusual for someone to feel that they’re not doing as well, because you have to jugde it for yourself (particularly hard when you are an anxious person).

So I sit here and I try and see that I am successful, I might not be where I want to be at the end but it doesn’t mean I’m not. I think for many of us, that may be it. We confuse success with where we want to end up. I can only speak for myself, but that’s where I think I’ve been going wrong. I don’t have a house, a book and my life sorted out. Who the hell does in their 20s?

Maybe this is where I say something cliche like ‘success is a state of mind’, maybe it is. All I know is that it means so many things, to so many people. I’m flattered to think that my friend think I’m successful, I hope that someday soon I feel that way too!

What does success mean to you? Do you feel successful?   Let me know in the comments below or tweet me @chloemetzger

Hello Spring!

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If, like me, you’re currently in the UK it didn’t feel too much like the first day of Spring today with torrential rain, wind and cold. That said, I’m SO excited that we’re finally entering Spring time, we’ll have lighter evenings soon, flowers will start to bloom (which may or may not be a good thing for Hayfever sufferers). More than anything I know it will help my mood improve and hopefully my lows. Here’s to Spring time!

 

Sunday Seven: Living With Chronic Pain – Tips.

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For some of you who have been following my blog for the past few years (firstly, you rock) you will know that a few years ago I broke and damaged some of the vertebrae in my spine, along with some nerves in my leg after a horse riding accident. I’ve come a long way in the past two years and live a relatively normal life, I still work full time, I still see my friends, I still go out but I just need to be a little more careful. Of course, it’s a challenge and a case of good days and bad days.

After two years I’ve come up with my own ways to deal with the days where pain is a problem and although I’m no superwoman and struggle I’ve learnt to live day to day.

Acknowledge that your body is doing the best it can 

It’s incredibly frustrating when your body doesn’t play game. It’s easy to hate on it and get angry, upset and feel that your body is failing you but, it is doing the best it can. My body healed from serious injuries and it will take time for it to go back to the way it was before.

Celebrate the little things 

I love when I can do things again that show a little step in the right direction. Having a good gym session, going for a walk, losing some of the weight that appeared after the accident etc. These are all things that I try and celebrate as it shows my body healing little by little.

You know your body, make sure doctors understand that 

Doctors appointments can be battlefields. Know your body, know what you need.

Accept that life is full of good days and bad days 

Some days I feel brilliant, other days I’m in a lot of pain and struggle with my body and my happiness. These are unfortunately both parts of living with chronic pain.

Find a release from your pain 

Listen to music, write, make art, write blogs. There needs to be a healthy outlet for your pain because it is a real and valid emotion.

Talk to others who know how you feel  

I’ve found the Twitter community amazing when I’m having a bad pain day. There are so many others who can understand what you’re going through and give you a little support when you need it.

Remember you are more than your pain 

It’s easy to feel locked into your pain on a tough stretch, that this is your life and you’ll always feel this way. You’re more than this and you’re stronger than this!

Feminist Friday: We Should All Be Feminists- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

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Chimamanda Ngozi’s talk ‘We Should All Be Feminists’ is a perfect watch to get into the spirit of feminism. Why? because it’s not bashing men, it’s not focused on one type of feminism. Chimamanda is a strong woman, a confident speaker and from what I’ve been told, a brilliant writer. The talk is based on the importance of equality between the sexes, of bringing up young girls. This is the perfect video to watch and watch again.

Book Review: One Of The Boys- Daniel Magariel

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“Family is all we have,” my father said.
“Yes,” I agreed. “Family is all we have.”

As ‘the war’ rages on two brothers decide where their loyalties lie. After their parent’s divorce, the brothers decide to join their father in a move to New Mexico, they’ll do anything to be ‘one of the boys’. In the face of poverty, uncertainty and the pressures of growing up this is a story of the bond between brothers.

This isn’t a cheerful or happy read, instead, it’s a short novel that focuses on struggle and family loyalty. That said, I struggled to connect or even like the father and son that narrates the novel. Neither of the boys has a name, I took this to show that in life they are deemed unimportant, disposable and lost, this kind of detail really adds to the story, but I fear that it could easily be overlooked. While the main boy, a 12 year old, is our narrator I felt that he was portrayed as having a much younger mindset, I don’t know if this was intentional. By the end of the novel, the only character I felt a connection with was his older brother.

I definitely feel that the novel had been written well, however, I would liked to have seen it play out through both of the boys eyes due to their differing ages and attitudes towards the situation. Similarly the novel ends on an incredibly confusing note, in fact I’m not too sure what actually happened, after looking online it seems that a lot of other people were also unclear as to what happens.

I gave the novel 3 stars, there is some brilliant description, to the point that I can clearly see in my head the dingy rooms and wide open road. Magariel is a good writer, but I honestly felt that the novel was too short to really be fully invested, I would have liked more understanding on the ending and more context about what lead the boys to be in this situation.

Thank you to the publishers for providing me with this copy for a fair and honest review.

Hey, Life Is Hard Sometimes.

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Hey, Life Is Hard Sometimes

There’s no doubt that life is tough. It doesn’t matter who you are, or where you are, everyone has their own challenges day to day. For the last few weeks I’ve felt incredibly stressed, tired and have been in a fair amount of pain from my old injury. I’ve gotten to the point on more than one occasion where I’ve just wanted to walk away from everything and shout I’M DONE WITH THIS. Everyone has those moments, but that’s hard to remember when you’re in the middle of it.

I’ve found it really hard to focus, write blogs, read or just create things, honestly, I’ve just felt a bit run down, a bit exhausted. I know it sounds like I’m just writing this to complain, I’m not. I realised that sharing how I feel and my struggles are partly why people connect with this blog. I’ve found myself wistful for my days at uni, even though I know I had tough times there too and that going back wouldn’t be easy but I think having rose tinted glasses about the past is all too common. Of course, I don’t look back and look at the sleepless nights with deadline stress, the frustration of trying again and again to get an assignment right or choosing what to do when you leave.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there are always troubles in each part of our lives. You never really know what a person is going through, what they’re thinking about. I try as hard as I can not to let what bothers me show to most people around me, with the fear of people thinking badly of me. It’s ridiculous and I wouldn’t suggest that to a friend. Most of it, I know, comes from me being one of the ‘high achievers’ my whole academic life, now I’m not in that environment anymore I find it hard to know when I’m doing well, to have a clear goal, because let’s face it getting 70 in an easy is a clear goal, sorting out your whole life and future in your 20s isn’t that straight forward.

I know this is a bit of a ramble, that it might not make sense. I just wanted to try and explain to you all how I was feeling, that in the words of Paramore ’22 is like the worst idea that I have ever had, it’s too much pain, too much freedom, what should I do with this?’ I have no idea what to do and I still feel like I’m finding my feet. I wonder every single damn day if I’m doing things right, what I should be doing next and if I’ll ever feel truly successful. Everything is hammering at my brain and it’s a little exhausting.

Things are going to happen as they happen I’ll keep plodding along, maybe one day it might even make sense!!

Feminist Fridays: What Makes Me Feel Empowered?

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What Makes Me Feel Empowered

Empowerment ‘the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one’s life and claiming one’s rights’. We hear a lot about women’s empowerment when talking about Feminism but, I wonder how many of us think about that it means to us. I feel that this will be different for each and every woman based on their lives and choices. Because feminism is about choice, even if you don’t agree with that choice personally.

So what makes me feel empowered?

Earning my own money

Being able to support myself makes me feel empowered and greatful for the women who came before me and fought for it. I don’t have to rely on anyone if I want to buy something or live somewhere, it’s all me!

Having control over my body

I’m lucky enough to have access to contraception in the UK for free. This means I can choose if and when I become a mother. I can make those decisions. Similarly, I can dress how I like and it’s not subject to anyone else’s orders.

Gaining an education 

I could my education as one of the greatest things in my life. I’m as smart as any male and earned my degree and awards. No one can ever take that away from me.

Having an opinion 

This blog is full of my opinions and how I wish to express them. Being able to share my thoughts and feelings gives me empowerment.

What makes you feel empowered? Let me know in the comments below or give me a tweet on @chloemetzger

 

I Am A Woman – International Women’s Day Poem 2017

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I am a Woman,

It’s something I’ve grown into, although I didn’t have a choice.

although I didn’t have a choice.

Sometimes I look at the world, through youthful eyes

and they burn in anger.

I look at my sisters around the world and they suffer,

damn it they suffer, for the simplest things.

And all because they have a vagina.

Yes I said the word! The one that makes some flinch

VAGINA! VAGINA! VAGINA!

A part of the body that equals discrimination and a lack of equality.

There’s pressure all around,

to look a certain way.

Although that’s not entirely on the men, we have a part to play.

Why waste our time with waistlines and cellulite,

when our sisters can’t even go to school?

But that won’t get printed in a glossy, on reality TV.

Hell, we rarely talk about inequality!

About mother’s rights and the pay gap.

About sexism all around us, violence and threats.

We can’t rely on leaders, have you seen who’s been voted in?

And so we’ll march, for those who can’t, for ourselves.

We’ll be told to ‘calm down’, that we’re winning the game

but while you control our bodies I don’t think that’s the same.

Say what you want, about my voice so loud.

You cannot keep us quiet, lock us all up.

We’ll carry on resisting, just you wait and see.

We don’t want to control you, just equality.

I am a woman, and I will fight.

I am a woman, and I am strong.

I am a woman, hear me and my sisters roar.

My Love Affair With Live Music

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In 1999 I attended my first concert, it was at Earls Court to see the Spice Girl’s winter tour. I made a sign and held it up to the stage, Victoria Beckham (the Addams) smiled and waved at me. The thrill of the live music, the crowd and the dancing started a life long love affair with live music.

Over the years I’ve been lucky enough to experience so many concerts, gigs and festivals from that moment in 1999, just some of them include:

  • Take That (blame my Mum)
  • Paramore (multiple times)
  • Mallory Knox
  • Postmodern Jukebox
  • Youmeatsix
  • Reading Festival
  • Butserfest
  • Basingstoke Live
  • PVRIS
  • Tonight Alive
  • Don Broco
  • Ed Sheeran
  • Little Mix
  • The Vamps
  • Fall Out Boy
  • We Are The In Crowd
  • Taylor Swift

There are so many more (a lot more cringe-worthy). This doesn’t include all of the gigs and shows I’ve been lucky enough to play with other musicians who blow me away. The combination of watching and playing live has fuelled my passion and love for live music.

There’s something about being in a venue with people, singing along to songs and watching the talented people you admire on stage. Sometimes they’ll even look at you and even though they’re just another person it can make you feel incredible. Live music is more than just a good night out, it’s a feeling. Even now, when I can’t be at the front on the barriers and I can’t stand and dance it still brings me alive.

Do you love live music? What’s your favourite event you’ve been to? Let me know in the comments below!