After being happy for a long time, being either on a high or just steady for a really long time, you realise that being negative or being low is exhausted. I used to hate people who told me to ‘just cheer up’ but now I understand why they said that, it wasn’t their fault that they didn’t know I was depressed. Now I’ve experienced being on a high for so many days then hitting a low and I’m exhausted and drained. It’s just about getting through this day by day. I know this won’t go away any time soon, maybe ever but I’m getting there one day at a time.
I have no idea what the future holds.
I have no idea and guess what? Neither do the majority of students who come out of uni. There’s this big expectation now for us because we pay £9000 a year that we’re going to have some massive life plan and know what we want to do. For a lucky few that’s the life they lead and they know exactly where they’re headed in life. For me? Not so much.
I’ve been talking to so many people since I started uni about what I’ll do when I leave…I’m in my first year. I have friends who don’t enjoy their courses and even I dropped one half field subject. Even when you plan the future is never for certain. So many things could happen No People Club could go crazy next year and I could head off on a world tour, I could write my novel and no one want to publish it. I could graduate and go into so many different things, digital media, publishing etc. The thing is everyone has advice for you and a million questions too. The plan right now? I want to stay on and get a masters while working part time. I’m hoping by third year I’ll have an idea of what I want to do.
That’s the thing by third year we’re expected to know at 17 what to do for the rest of our lives and I’m still not sure what I want to do for a ‘real job’, we all have plans but there’s only so far you can go. I have to apply for internships, work experience and so on even to get a shot at a graduate training programme. I’m hoping that being a masters student will help me out though.
So here we go the question people always ask when I say I want to stay on for a masters degree why. Not many people understand why a first year wants to go on to a masters degree and it’s not what a first year usually says. The truth is that it’s something I want to do for me. I don’t want to just get a degree, I want to go that bit further because I love academia and I love being in that environment. I even want to be a lecturer one day which also means a Phd somewhere along the line.
These things could change in 3 years, anything could. I thought I wanted to be a teacher I tried it and felt like I wasn’t ready. I want to use my time at uni to really explore loads of different things. I mean the music and the writing is still my top goal, even with a masters that won’t change. I’m hoping that I’ll find something in the next few years anyway.
So what I really want you all to know, especially my 3rd year friends, is that none of us are 100% sure of what’s going to come our way, we can plan but that’s about it. So if you don’t know then who cares? You’ll find a way to work, to pay the bills. I have so many incredibly talented people that I know and love in my life and I hope they all continue their passions in some way because you might as well, you can’t see the future after all.
I found an American, can I keep him?!
My favourite American
Today I handed in my keys and bought an American home with me. That’s right Rhys has come to stay for a few weeks and after lugging his stuff from Kingston Hill to Seething Wells for our lift back to Basingstoke. Rhys, as usual, was a charmer with my Mum and sister. I can’t wait to show him around but helping him settle in at Ali’s tonight was odd, it’s so strange to have another person at Ali’s but I’m hoping he will find it fun and have a great run up to Basingstoke Live!
Right now I’m cuddled up with stuff all around me in the box room, it feels good to be home.
My night time musings
I’ve wanted to write something amazing, incredible and thoughtful. I want to write a book, more songs and d everything right now. I’ve been working lately, I’ve been happier than I have been in a very long time and I have so much to be thankful for. The flat is silent right now, I’m the last one left but I can hear people outside.
I don’t know if I’ll be sad to leave this place, I’ve felt very isolated here and very lonely I think I’ll miss the halls in Kingston Hill more because of all the memories I made. Saying that I do feel strange that in September this will be someone else room, someone elses normal. I’ll have moved on and I probably will never meet them or know what their flat mates are like. This room is for growing, it’s a temporary place and that’s something I’m not used to but now I like that. It’s been my own space for a year and it’s seen awful lows and incredible highs lately.
I’m so looking forward to second year, to moving in with Ali and have spent the day setting things up for next year. It will be totally different and I really just want to stay happy and well keep feeling like the real me that I’ve been searching for for years.
So farewell first year, I’ve loved you and hated you, I won’t be back for Seething Wells though!
Life in the box room
I used to think that my room in halls was small, compared to my old bedroom it was but now that room is a luxury because I’ve moved into the box room. I have stuff all over the house and all over the room and it’s going to take quite a while until everything is in the right place and I can move again. I’ve slept for most of the day so apart from trying to move things around I don’t have much to tell you all about or many pictures either. I’m going back to Kingston tomorrow so hopefully there will be more to tell then!
Tying up loose ends
Goodbye P block!
9 months after I moved in my stuff was back in boxes and I waiting for a car feeling very excited. 9 months ago I moved into Seething Wells and now it’s time to leave (well at least all my stuff is leaving). Today really has been for tying up loose ends. I’ve been in meetings, saying goodbye to my lovely mentor until September as well as work meetings before the summer.
When people say uni goes fast, believe them. I can’t believe I’m a third of the way through my degree already it’s exciting and scary all at the same time. I won’t miss halls, they weren’t my favourite place and I often felt lonely in them because I didn’t make many close friends in halls. If anything I wish I’d taken the chance to move up to Kingston Hill but at the same time I know I can live alone now and get by. It might have been the happiest of times but I got through the long and lonely weekends when I didn’t have plans.
Second year is looking amazing though, I have a new flat, I’ll be moving in with Ali (eek!), I have a great group of friends with which I have loads of plans made already and my course is going to be incredible ( I’m so excited!) and a job that I absolutely love. I’m not worried about being a second year I’m just excited and I can’t wait to see what the summer brings!
Fathers Day
I want to use this post to wish my Daddy a great Father’s day! I wont see him until tomorrow so a phone call and a post will have to do! Love you Daddy 🙂
Back to Mum and Dad’s
So last wee was super hectic I have a load of back log of blogs I need to check over again and upload (they will be up hopefully by mid week). I was working eye day, 6.30 starts and late bedtimes. I’ve also been packing, as of tomorrow I will have moved back in with Mum and Dad, oh and my sister’s new and totally creepy Goldfish… Ellie Goulding-Goldfish. It feel weird that I’m the last one in the flat, Ali’s home already and I’ve been keeping myself busy. Honestly though moving back with Mum and Dad for the summer and then into our new flat feels weird to me. After tonight the majority of times I cook it will be for 2 people, I’ll share almost everything and on the plus side I’ll have someone to come home to again.
Although halls weren’t necessarily the best thing I’ll miss the independence of living here. I can go out at whatever time, come back at whatever time, eat what I like, sleep and shower at weird times. You know normal student stuff. Don’t get me wrong I want to go home for a bit it will just be different to last summer, I’m a very different person to who I was then…oh and I now have a much smaller bedroom. Great.
It will be nice though, having my dog back with me, driving my sister around, seeing my cousins and grandparents and catching up with a few people. Let me say this now though when I go home I feel amazing, I feel like I’ve achieved a lot by going to uni like I said I’m not the same girl I was when I left in a good way.
So I’m going to get back to finishing packing and Basingstoke? I’m coming back for ya! 😉
Last night!/We love KU!
Last night was supposed to be some chilled out bowling, a drink or two and making some new friends. It turned out to be so, so much more than that and one of the best nights I’ve ever had at uni, although it could quite well have ended very differently.
I’d gone almost straight from work to meet the girls outside the bowling ally…apart from I didn’t know who I was meeting except from Daniela. Time passed and soon it was half past with no sight of anyone I recognised. Anxious didn’t even cover how I was feeling, I was trying not to cry and all sorts of horrible situations ran through my mind, maybe they didn’t want to hang out with me after all? I’d been surprised in the first place that anyone, girls, wanted to hang out with me. You can imagine how crushed I was when I thought no one was coming. Just as I had decided to go home and try not to be too upset then my phone lit up, Dani was apologising and saying to head to Spoons and I’ll see the girls.
From that point on the night was full of laughter, happiness and a night I wont forget. I went to two pubs and then I finally made it to Pryzm night club!!! The biggest surprise? I absolutely loved it! I drank a lot I danced, laughed, made friends and got home safe. I couldn’t be happier that someone has given me a chance to be one of the girls.
Fast forward to 6am, I had hardly slept, a few hours at most and I headed into work feeling a little off but otherwise good. I was at work for 7.45 and got straight into it. I love meeting people, talking to them and making sure they get all the info. I was able to work with people who remided me of me as well as a few disabled students. I got home exhausted but happy and started to pack. Overall the past week has been exhausting and amazing, I’m so damn excited for second year!
Last Day of Placement/ Pre night out nerves
A lesson plan I wrote up… I ended up not using it!
I wrote earlier in the week about the fact that I’ve decided not to become a teacher any time soon. I finished my placement today and had a fairly easy day and I still feel the same. The 15 days that I’ve done have made me realise that I love working with children but I couldn’t be a teacher. I want to work with children but on a smaller scale, maybe even as a teaching assistant? I also didn’t get the feedback I wanted which is a shame but that’s not to say I wouldn’t go back and work in a school again.
This is just a quick and early blog tonight because I’m finally going out with some girls! The lovely Daniela invited me to meet some of the girls who will be in full field English with me next year and I’m really nervous. Let’s hope my bowling skills are up to the task!
Chloe Metzger 