Did I just go back in time?

The last time I saw everyone! 

I feel like my posts are so short at the moment but I’m in and out all the time! Tonight I feel like I’ve gone back in time, I’m back in town, playing Sanctuary and surrounded by people I went to school and college with, dancing to old bands and laughing. It’s been fun and supported a great charity, Mind. After driving back from Kingston it was quick hello at home then out into town, I love seeing everyone but I realised when looking in the mirror I’m not the same girl I was when I was 17. I’m more relaxed, mentally better and although I felt panicked before I was ok. I sung, had fun and now I’m at home relaxed. This year has honestly been brilliant and it was SO much fun to see everyone again!

I’m so lucky!

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I may be writing this a little intoxicated, well at least I was earlier but right now I feel so lucky, so very lucky. I’ve just gotten back from my last day of first semester and an amazing night out with my girls. Good food, great drinks and a lot of laughs. This time last year I was lonely, spending most weekends alone in my room and wondering what this was all about. Now I have a great time in class, brilliant friends, career ideas as well as carrying on the success of No People Club and being able to live with Ali. I feel so, so lucky right now.

Finally: Getting back to myself

After a long few weeks of feeling, low, helpless and not myself I can say that I’m finally pulling through again! It’s been 5 days of solid steadiness and I couldn’t be more pleased, just in time for Christmas! My first realisation, Friday morning, as I was driving back to the flat I’d been awake for an hour where I had just gotten up, dressed and headed out, no anxious thoughts or dread I just, well functioned normally. While Saturday I was slightly off (from a lack of going outside waiting for damn parcels), I carried on and was ok and got on Sunday as well. The last two days I’ve been smiling to myself and humming christmas song and I’m so pleased I could dance around.

I’m not in the mind that I’m completely better, I’m still seeing doctors and mentors more regularly and I’ll carry on without complaining and not rush because when you go through a bad low, like I have been for the past 4/5 weeks it does scare you. I was terrified I’d never get back to this point where I could feel in control and I’d be stuck in sadness for ever, it’s horrible but once you’re starting to get better and have even a little bit of confidence you’re keen to make sure you don’t slip again. It’s a part of my life and I know I will probably slip again but I know I have great people supporting me.

I wanted to write to you all with this sense of amazement and happiness because I want to detail what’s real to live with mental health problems. For me these little victories mean the world, like no anxiety attacks. I’m back to chatting with people at horse riding, texting and seeing my amazing friends (who have also been angels) and being just easier to live with (although I say now I couldn’t have gotten through these last few weeks without Ali) and to top it all off I had band practice today! I just feel so much better after a good ride this morning (on a very tall horse) where I could feel myself becoming a better rider, then a long walk down Kingston Hill which I never done before but just made me feel refreshed.

If any of you are stressed or having a rough time at the moment, just take every day at a time and baby steps when you can. Lows totally suck, but they will go eventually with the right help.

Russell Howard round 2!

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Back to the O2 tonight for Russell Howard part two. This is my birthday present from Ali and although I’ve waited for three months it was definitely worth it. Russell is definitely my favourite comedian and he didn’t disappoint tonight, although I can’t say I loved the support act as much, it was Russell’s usual charm and interesting way to look at life that made me laugh non stop. As ever with Russell, and I won’t ruin the ending, but the ending was happy and left you with real happiness. Great birthday present 😀

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5 years later…

When I was in year 10 I had no idea about uni, about my future, about anything I wanted to do. I’ve been working with some incredible kids lately and I wish I’d been that focused. My sister is only a year younger and my cousin the same age and it feels so strange to think that it’s been 5 years since I was that age and I’ve totally changed, I wouldn’t even recognise me from that age I was so sad. I’m not 15 anymore but I am still confused sometimes and don’t have my life all together but I suppose that’s ok. The kids were learning some valuable things from us ambassadors, things I wish I’d known. It’s says like today when I really love my job.

My first Gymkhana!

I’d never done anything on a horse that could have been remotely competitive, that changed today. Gymkhana is a lot of games in which we all compete for Rosettes, I now have two thanks to horse Shadow (who I’ve never ridden before!). I’m so excited, to show you all the pictures. Not only did I get to compete, get some new skills and hang out at the stables for 2 and a half hour. I also got to spend some more time with a lovely horse, Rubey, who has now figured out how to undo my coat and likes to play! I just had to book another ride for next week, I’m not ready to let go just yet!

Playing ‘around the world’ 

How to explain ‘Head Sick’ – Mental Health

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Me age 16 trying to be ‘normal’ and ‘fun’ on a bad low

Calling in sick to work is not a great experience for anyone, especially when it’s for something mental health related, because it relies on people having knowledge as well as people not judging you. You can’t phone your boss and say ‘I feel really sad, I can’t come into work’. A lot of people think that bad depression means you just lie in bed all day and that’s that. For most of us, that isn’t true because we can’t let it, we have bills to pay and things to do and even if you don’t care about those things you go on in cycles but don’t feel anything towards what you’re doing and then the says you do have off/ evening when you can crawling into bed and staying there becomes all you want to do…sometimes.

I’ve been mentally ill for about 5 years now and the picture above is me at one of my worst points. Being 16 was a terrifying year and there is so much I just don’t remember, my mind just goes blank. The picture above was be trying to be happy, fun and normal. I hadnt been diagnosed and every just said it was my hormones but I felt crazy, when I did manage to go into school I’d normally leave early or just sit in my lessons and slowly going numb, not taking anything in. It was torture.

In a way it’s good that I can’t do that anymore, I need to work to have money, I need to go in to get my degree which I care a great deal about and differing from first year I live with someone who knows when I’m unwell and helps me any way he can. Days when I am low and not functioning are what I call ‘Head Sick Days’ and I’m thankful that my tutors and my friends know when I really need some time as well as encouraging me. I hope though, one day, that everyone can have this kind of understanding and help that they really deserve because depression, anxiety, bipolar etc are all illnesses and we need to support those who need it.

I’ve been pretty rocky for the past month, a lot of lows and needing a bit more support than normal from those around me, but I don’t feel hopeless. 2015 is looking to be fun and busy, especially for the band and my work. So right now my posts might not be exciting but I’m taking it day by day a step at a time, with ‘Head Sick’ time included.

My Big Mouth: Zoella who? Ghost Writers should get credit!

Publishers Penguin has said Zoe 'Zoella' Sugg, 24, 'did not write the book Girl Online on her own,' but did not confirm that the sales success was ghostwritten

Teen Blogger Zoella with a copy of Girl online (photo belongs from Daily Mail Website).

 Teen blogger Zoella Sugg was in headline this week after her debut book had outsold J.K Rowling. For someone so young an inexperienced to beat a much loved author means this young girl must have some talent…except penguin have now announced that the novel was not written by Zoella, instead by a ghost writer, although jumping to Zoella’s defence her fans are content because she came up with the plot.

For a long time the thought of ghost writers have upset and angered me. The process of writing a book (especially one to sell this many copies upon release) makes me feel very disappointed as a writer.  I have hundreds of ideas in my head for plots, if someone managed to create that into an incredible novel, I’d be a little peeved but I wouldn’t say nope it’s all mine. The hours of writing it takes to create a novel (and believe me I’ve tried) is something that deserves recognition. While some fans claim she was honest about it the whole way through and that means it’s ok. What about the author! Could this not have been a collaborative effort? Instead of simply putting Zoella’s name on the cover why not the names of both of them?

In my opinion this sends out a bad message to kids, if you have an idea get someone else to do the hard work for you and then get all the attention and money from it. It’s not how the real world works, a world of hard work and determination and yet we are willing to look the other way, I for one am not. Another famous name to have her own novel is model Katie Price, a.k.a Jordan. Katie brings out a new book every few years and ,like Zoella, claims that she only comes up with the plot and lets someone else write if for her. We’re not talking about getting help on an autobiography but writing novel after novel and putting her own name on them as well as getting the profits for it.

Glamour model Katie Price has published numerous books under her name,

all of which have been ghostwritten (image from Daily Mail website). 

While many call on me for being too harsh on Zoella and can’t understand why I get irritated by this news I say to them take the best piece of work you’ve ever done, now imagine someone else gave you that idea and they get all the credit. Doesn’t feel too great does it? Writers don’t choose to have their own name abolished form a creation but they do it because they want their work out there and it’s damn hard for authors to do. I will say this though, to the real author of Girl Online, I hope you go on to get the recognition you deserve.

PJs, assignments and Turkey Dinosaurs- Friday night madness

What am I doing tonight? Going out on the town, Jager Bombs, films? The glorious friday night of a student is now going to consist of 2 seasons of The Inbetweeners, Turkey Dinosaurs and research for assignments. I have to say second year is not as carefree as first, all of us are in on party nights. I wish I had something more interesting to write about for you all but alas this is the real life of a student!