Sundays

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Sunday evenings always seem to make me sit and reflect a lot. Last year I wrote a really long and kind of trying to understand my own mind (if you missed it here is the link). Sometimes I use this blog to manage how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking about, because I just need to get it out there.

When I was a little girl Sundays were exciting, I got to go to work with Mum and Nanna, unless my Aunt could look after me for the day, which she did a lot. I got to go help out on the stall and serve customers or sit in the car with the bag of colouring, notepads and books that I had bought to keep me entertained. The older I got I could go and explore what other people were selling. Or failing that me, Mum, Nanna and Sums would be up and in the car for 7.30 and would go and look at the car boot sales, where I would find things to sell on and make a profit. That is until it got to a point where I’d fallen in love with sleep, I’d stay at home with the dog and we’d share breakfast.

When I was a teenager I hated Sundays, I’d cry, have a terrible low, fight with my sister and look at the numbers on my wall to see how many days that I absolutely had to be in school I had left (holidays, INSET days, weekends, anything that meant I didn’t have to be there wasn’t counted because I was free). It was terrible I’d usually have to listen to my iPod while falling asleep, cry some more and that was that. I’d almost always try on Mondays. I’d try to go to school like a good girl and hope that this day, this week would be different and I wouldn’t be so crushingly sad any more. Needless to say it rarely changed.

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Taken when I was about 16, a cuddle day with the dog was normal

Through the week Mum and I would make bargains with depressed me to make her go to school. It mostly consisted of when I’d get to see Ali and sometimes it worked. It got better though, after I’d hit bad lows I’d have to work from home, meaning I got better. Then I’d go back to school and it would all happen again, I’d get chipped away piece by piece until I was physically ill again. Now I know it was the depression but I just thought I had a super low immune system. Sundays were always the days where I would try so desperately hard again.

Now I kind of like them, I usually have a day where I just do things for myself, lie ins with Ali after he’s been working late or it’s post gig day. I get my reading finished for the week ahead and look forward to seeing my friends and whatever I’ve planned that week. It’s a far cry from the anxiety ridden days of school.

I know this post is super reflective, but I’ve been thinking about the old me a lot this afternoon while reading ‘The Time In Between’ by Nancy Tucker about her battle with eating disorders. I will be reviewing it because it’s incredible. I read a lot of books like this about overcoming and wonder if, one day, I should write everything down, even if it’s just for me. I wonder if anyone would even be interested in reading that? If by telling my story of when I was younger up until now I would be helping anybody? Am I ready to share everything? It’s a crazy thought and I’m really not sure whether it’s just a silly thing or whether it would be cathartic to get everything out.I don’t know but, there we go my exploring my life Sunday brain is in force. I don’t mind it as much now though, because I don’t dread the week ahead like I used to 🙂

Tomorrow will be interesting, my wheelchair is arriving, another doctors appointment (I hope she’s ready for my super anxious mind) and I have to say goodbye to Alissa before she goes back to the US *sniff, sniff*. Hopefully speak to you guys tomorrow.Oh! Before I forget. You guys have been awesome this past week, likes commenting, I love it, thank you! If you have any ideas on the ‘should I write out my life’ thing then let me know belooooooow. As always I love chatting with you all.

Mental Health awareness week!

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Hello everyone!

This week is Mental Health Awareness week, although I haven’t been really on it this week (I’m sure you’ll all forgive me). So I’ve been thinking all day about what I wanted to write about this year, I’m still not sure. I’m sure that it’s not you guys that need educating, I know I have a lot of loyal followers who understand what’s going on. SO on that note I want to ask all of you to reach out to the people around you can just talk about mental health, it doesn’t have to be about anything personal just bring it into a conversation. The more we talk about mental health the better our lives are going to be!

If you’re in the UK you’ll be aware that mental health has seen some drastic budget cuts and that could get a lot worse. So it’s important that now we speak up, stand together and be there for one another, because this is when we’ll need it most. Sometimes when you’re at your lowest it’s not a doctor you need, it’s just people around you that respect how you feel and try to understand. I won’t stop campaigning and spreading the message so the government understand how vital mental health is in our society and so that we all get support. In myself I have been struggling lately, the spine things put major stress on me and I get quite isolated. I’m lucky though because I have this outlet and many people don’t have that.

So all I ask of you is to spread the word, talk to people about mental health and little by little we’re going to get rid of stigma and make sure everyone who is in need of it gets help!

I feel loved!

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It’s strange how something like this accident has made me realise how loved I really am. It’s not that I didn’t know before, but I’ve just had an outpouring of love and good wishes since I found out about the fractures and it’s been really making me smile. I’ve had a lot of support from you guys, my lovely followers! People wishing me the best, thinking of be, keeping me in their prayers, which is lovely and I thank you all so much. The kindness towards me has been cheering me up when I’m stuck in bed, on the sofa or only able to take little walks into town before I fall asleep again. IMG_2651

My card from Nanna and Gramps 🙂

Obviously you all know about how amazing Ali has been. He’s cooking for me, cleaning for me, helping me get up in the morning (not mentally, physically I have to do a really weird wiggle/roll thing to get out of bed) and he’s had to deal with me being frustrated and angry. He’d really do anything for me. On top of that my family have been incredible, my parents have been coming up for appointments, calling me every day and giving me advice or cheering me up when I need it. My sister’s been letting me rant when people get too worried and my grandparents have been great with texts, cards and phone calls 🙂 Ali’s Mum’s paid for him to come to Athens with me so that I can still go! Oh and not to forget my Lucy and little Lexi who have been texting most days and Lexi, being the sweetheart she is wanted to see me today so she could kiss my ouchie better, but she’s sending me magic anyway (seriously 3 year olds are THE cutest). IMG_2646

Keeping updated with Spider Gwen thanks to Joe! 

My friends have also been incredible, these are just some of the gifts and friends! My band have been super supportive over everything when I’ve been feeling so guilty,so have the music community making me determined to be back to performing as soon as I possibly can! As well as Laura coming with me to the hospital in the first place, she’s a regular visitor at the flat now, bringing me flowers, chocolate and a funny card to cheer me up. Joe got me another issue of Spider Gwen and made sure that I could see everyone at my work do even if it was just for a little bit and offered to pick me up anything I needed around town, as well as being hooked into helping me take my library books back and carrying my shopping around for me. Dani is collecting bits and bobs from the horse show to cheer me up and Amy got me a cute little notebook to cheer me up. I’m also chatting with all the girls on our whatsapp group too! As well as all that I get to see Alissa before she goes back to the US on Monday as well as El and Dani before they go to Prague.

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My new notebook from Amy 🙂

I’m in so much pain but I keep smiling because I feel so loved and cared for at the moment. I needed to write this down so that I can read it again later and be cheered up. I don’t know how to express how thankful I am for all the people who light up my life and are making this easier for me 🙂 I love you all so much and I’m so lucky to have such amazing people in my life.

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Flowers from Laura 🙂 

Things get better!

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Hello you lovely lot!

Yesterday I was pretty down, I’m sure a lot of you saw it, I needed to get all the stress and anxiety and worries I had written down because I promised all of you I would be honest. Today was met with another trip to Kingston Hospital and desperately hoping something would be sorted. My lovely Mum came up today to come with me so that Ali could go and record Bass with the boys.

Now I’m very slow at walking at the moment, I’m hardly walking at all. So I met my Mum for a hot chocolate on this miserable rainy day and managed to find a Sylvia Plath book to pick me up a little bit before the big appointment, but that wasn’t what was amazing about today. This morning I started reading Katie Piper’s ‘Things Get Better’ after the horrible lows and anxiety yesterday. I tweeted about it and then the BEST thing happened KATIE REPLIED! THE KATIE PIPER!!!  Now I’m a huge fan of her’s she stands for everything I want to be and believe in. It gave me the push I needed to get me through the day! I want to get real copies of all her books, especially ‘Start your day with Katie’ to help with my positivity.

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My tweet from Katie Piper!!! 🙂 

Mum and I braved the rain and wind to get the bus to the hospital (thankfully the passengers and bus drivers were really helpful today, thank you!). I was terrified. Nobody had really told me what to expect or what could happen, the last I knew they were still on the edge of debating surgery. So I sat and waited to be called through for what seemed like ages until a friendly nurse called me through. The walk down the corridor was possibly the longest and most embarrasing. It’s painful to walk so I walk with tiny steps, holding on to the wall for support and I could see the sympathy in everyone’s faces while mine was going red with both determination and embarrassment. When I finally got into the room again the nurses were great getting me settled to wait for the doctor.

I try not to cry in these situations, I want to seem like a good patient, that I appreciate what doctors do. I held my Mum’s hand while waiting and just hoped they wouldn’t go ahead with surgery. The doctor was sweet, quick and good at what he had to do. He checked me over, answered my questions and apologised for the rudeness of A&E a few days before. Apparently my legs are strong, which is a happy surprise for me, he could see how much pain I was in and tried to make it as quick as possible. I was told a back brace would be needed, stronger painkillers and a follow up appointment with x rays in 6 weeks. That was it but I felt so much more confident that he knew what he was doing. Then on to physio while the nurse thankfully ran up to put my brace request in for me (it’s special equipment that needs to be ordered in).

I only had to wait 10 minutes to see my lovely physio lady, Linda. She was funny, kind and made me feel good and didn’t push me to see what movement I had for now! I really liked her and she me so now I have physio lined up asap but the good news is I should fully recover. I’ve also been suggested a wheelchair (now purchased) for days out and NOT to push myself too hard at all, like I kind of have been.

With the good news I called around, I’m also still allowed to go to Athens! Then it was off to buy a few new pair of PJs, The Simpsons ones, The Little Mermaid, Monsters Inc, Cola ones – thank you Primark! Finally Mum, Ali and I went for some dinner before I got taken home to rest again, it had been quite a painful day.

I’m still struggling with all of this, I know how lucky I am but I’m nervous about the Brace and Wheelchair. No ones ever been able to see something wrong with me, I get worried about how people will react, even if it is temporary. It might seem silly but I’m trying to work through and not get too angry/frustrated as I have been.

So there you go! Fully up to date and hopefully my wheelchair will be here after the weekend and I’ll have news on the rest of my appointments soon. I’m still super bored and in bed most of the time so I’m coming up with new things for the blog but I’d love for you guys to chat to me too, leave me a comment, tweet me, email me! I love to hear from you all!

I have to say it

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I’m feeling low, there I said it, I typed what I’ve wanted to type for days. I’m trying so hard to be positive and thankful all the time but I’m so worried about all this. No one tells me what’s really going on and I’m losing all my faith in the NHS, which I hate. I’ve always been someone who shouts how great it is and for most of the time (apart from my mental health) I’ve been seen and sorted with kindess and concern. Now I don’t know if it’s because I’m older but no one who’s supposed to be taking care of me medically cares.

Everyone’s telling me to do this, do that, don’t to this blah, blah,blah. The thing is? The people I need to tell me the stuff I can and can’t do aren’t listening. I’ve had these fractures for 3 weeks and by sobbing in A&E last night it’s the only way it’s been pushed through. I was treated like shit by the doctor last night, he didn’t care, he any sympathy, I waited 4 hours for his rudeness.

I feel so lost and lonely. Ali’s working his arse off looking after me, my parents and grandparents are all worried and I hate it. I hate it. Sometimes I want to scream and launch things because this is the kind of low I’ve never experienced before. I can’t just do what I normally do when I’m going into a low, go from along walk to clear my head because that walk leaves me in a lot of pain and having to lie down and think again. I’m fed up, lonely and so worried about what’s going on with me spine. Am I crazy?

I’m supposed to be going for a meal with work tonight, I’m a ball of anxiety and not wanting to go. You watch me walk and you know something’s wrong. I know Joe’s going to have to help me tonight and, well, I’m fiercely independent and to me it’s just embarrassing.

I’m sorry to write such negativity, I might change my mind later if/when I go out. I just need a hug and hopefully I’ll sleep this low off later. I really, really hope so. Maybe I’ll write again later.

Much love to you all and thank you for your support x

Silver Linings

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In my Creative Writing classes if we used the cliché of ‘Every Cloud has a Silver Lining’ we’d be in for it. I hadn’t really thought of things being that way but Dani sent me a text the other day reminding me and I thought, yeah actually she’s right.

I’ve had a few few things in my life not go to plan or not go very well. Take for instance failing my driving test 4 times, the first time I walked into my house, decided I couldn’t hold it together and launched my shoes at the wall. Once I’d calmed down my Mum said she knew that I’d have a melt-down because I’d never failed before, not in any sort of test. I kind of needed to fail then I think, I needed to to remind me that things could take time and that’s ok. Don’t get me wrong I wish my parents and I hadn’t had to pay out hundreds of pounds before I passed in my 5th test but there was a silver lining there.

Another thing, my time at school. I don’t write about it much on here, I might some day to do a post on bullying. So it was horrendous, I was spat at, beaten up, spiralled into my darkest days of depression and for the most part left by my school to spiral more and more until my parents took me out for exams. That said, I can’t write school off as a totally negative experience, it’s where I met the love of my life. It’s where I kept forgetting a girls name and calling her Frizz who 5 years later gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who is now my goddaughter. Again, another silver lining.

And now my back. If I’m honest it’s really hard to see silver linings at the moment, my days are long and boring. So I’ve tried to find some and there are there a little. I can’t go to Prague, but I am allowed to go to the Society Awards where hopefully Horse Riding will win a few awards. I’ve been stuck in bed as it’s the only place I’m really comfortable, but I have had time to go over and submit my assignments as well as read any book I want too at the moment.

I try to remember this in times when I’m really low. If you’re reading this and thinking I can’t do it, I feel too bad, that’s okay! I know the feeling of being so low and shitty that there aren’t any positives and if there are you’re hurting too much to care. I’ve been there. Like most of us I’m just trying to have a little bit of positivity 🙂

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I’m not giving up.

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I’ve spent a lot of time thinking for the past few days and it’s not always been positive. Being stuck indoors and not allowed to even clean when I feel like it has been getting me down, as has being in pain whenever I get up or go for a walk. I mean I’m human, those kinds of things would make most people fed up.

I haven’t slept much since yesterday and my painkillers are definitely kicking in because I’m sleepy as I write this (hooray!). I’ve been trying to get on with things as much as possible and without realising it I’ve gotten quite a lot done today, going for a walk to get parts of Eleanor’s leaving present, submitting my final assignments (yay!) and reading over a quarter of another book.

It’s weird knowing that I have 6 weeks of recovery and not doing too much, 6 weeks of living with this and not being able to go at a million miles per hour like I normally do, it’s going to take a bit of getting used to. I promised I’d be honest, I’ve been really low at times since this happened and cried a lot, mostly out of frustration. I feel slowed down and tired and I just want to do everything like normal. Ali says just think of it as a little holiday, do things I want to do and relax, I suppose he’s right to some extent.

I started reading Katie Piper’s Beautiful Ever After, she’s cheered me up once again. I was meant to meet Katie at the KU Talent Awards this year, she was supposed to be hosting but got rushed to hospital instead. I was gutted not to meet her but obviously glad that she was going to be ok, I’m hoping she’ll still come and visit Kingston because she’s an inspiration to me. So I’ve just sat reading the book and it’s made me smile and not feel so low. It’s also inspired me to use these 6 weeks to do something. I just want to write at the moment, I might take a crack at the novel again, write the blog and add more of my experiences and do some mental health work. I can use my recovery time to do some good through my laptop 🙂

In short, I’m not giving up. I’m not silly enough to believe that writing this post is going to magically change my mindset and there will be no more tears or frustrations, there will because I’m human. I just hope that I can start something good while I’m stuck with not a lot to do.

Please, please, please use the comments section below! I’d love to use this time to chat to you guys! Or drop me a tweet @chloemetzger 🙂

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Little things to cheer me up

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I’ve been waiting to write this post all day, but at the same time not sure to write about. I’ve been feeling pretty low today, miserable from not really being able to do anything. As soon as I feel miserable though, I also feel guilty and remember how lucky I am, which makes me feel worse a horrible cycle. Ali’s been amazing, as usual and won’t let me lift a finger. He’s gotten very cautious about making sure that my back stays as strain free as possible.

Today’s revolved around my laptop, my bed, taking my medication and books to be precise finishing 2 books in 24 hours. If I do 2 books in a day, I’ll be burning through my bookcase by the time I get to fracture clinic! I just keep reading, writing and I’ll submit my final essay of the year once I can have a read and I’m not exhausted. Aside from all that I finally managed to convince Ali that I’d be ok on my own he’s gone to airsofting with the lads. I’d resigned to an evening on my own with a take away for one and a box of chocolates but Laura stepped in so I could go outside and get some chips 🙂

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Laura and I 

It’s nice to just have little trips out, even if I’m completely exhausted after. I need to get out occasionally because it can get a little disheartening just being stuck here and being in a lot of pain. I need to listen to the pain now and not just brush it off, which if I’m honest makes me really nervous. I know how serious this is now and how easily something could put me in a back brace.

I had another nice little surprise when I got home, my hamsters were awake. I tried to play with them, see what they wanted to do and something amazing happened.  They stayed calm and just let me stroke them, didn’t even try to move which means they really are getting used to me 🙂 It’s the little things that make me smile the most.

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Noodle (left) and Hamski (right) chilling together

What’s in store for tomorrow? Probably more sleeping because all my body seems to want to do is sleep. I’ll be reading more books, possibly writing some more, editing and I think I have a few uploads here to do as well. As well as that I’ll be submitting my FINAL ASSIGNMENT OF THE YEAR YIPPIE!!!! So it’s taking a while but hopefully my x-rays in 2 weeks will show an improvement 🙂

Being very lucky

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I’d dropped off the radar for a few days from Twitter, Facebook kind of because I got some shocking news yesterday about my fall. I’d been called back into St Heliers Hospital after my GP got a letter saying that they had gotten something wrong. I spent 7 hours in hospital yesterday with people looking at my spine, checking me, taking my blood pressure, having an MRI scan (which was absolutely horrible) and waiting some more. The result? I’ve gone from being told I have nothing wrong to having three fractured vertebrae, possibly a fourth that they’re not sure about. I’m also told that they’re not sure how I’m walking around as I am, basically I’m lucky to be walking and not to have to have surgery. For now I’m in the clear for surgery as I have stable fractures, hopefully they’ll stay that way.

For the next 10 days at least there is no driving, no shows, no carrying my handbag. I’m stuck either in the flat or for little trips out. In short, I’m very lucky to be walking and to be the way I am I just have to be extremely careful. If I’m honest, I’m heartbroken more than anything. I was living and breathing for riding this year, it was always the best day of the week, Wednesday. So I feel really gutted and a bit back to square one, I’ve had to cancel Prague and shows and my parents as well as Ali had to spend hours and hours in a hospital.

So hopefully these blogs will be updated because I really don’t have much else left to do. Everyone is being so good to be at the moment and to be honest my anxiety is sky high worrying about the fractures moving and you know what? I’m really, really angry that this was missed one, I could have forgiven but three or four is just not on. Now I just have to wait to go to fracture clinic for more x rays and hopefully all will be well until then.

Book Review – Reasons to Stay Alive – Matt Haig

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What are the reasons to stay alive? When you feel like there isn’t much left in the world and the people you love would be better off without you. This is the position Matt Haig found himself in during his 20s as he decided to commit suicide. Now I know what you’re thinking, what a cheerful book why would I read that but I’m here to change your mind. Haig writes with intelligence, kindness and has the ability to make you laugh in this book. I picked this up after hearing a lot about it and I was curious. Was this going to be some slep help guide where the key to depression was ‘positive thinking and getting on with it’, you’ll be pleased to know that I have road tested it and it is not one of those awful books.

If you know anyone with depression, you’re experiencing it or you’ve been through it you need to read this. Actually scratch that I think everyone should read this book. Haig has done something astounding with this book because he’s honest. He’s honest in the fact that he doesn’t pretend that depression magically goes away or that you forget your lowest points. The book is a mix of facts, lists, experiences and things that might help. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t a ‘how to get better guide’, far from it, this is a book that helps people understand a truly confusing illness.

This is the only book I’ve read so far that makes sense to me, that makes me feel like I’ve come really far because a lot of the situations that are mentioned in the book are ones that I have lived through. There are things that are hard to understand, like why walking to the corner shop would send someone into a wave of panic, anxiety and fear. I’ve been there. I’ve been trapped in my own head and Haig has explained it perfectly, so much so that I’ve recommended this book to various people wither as a way of understanding or to for them to make sense of themselves.

I will give this book 5 stars *****, Haig is an absolute god of a writer in my eyes. He proves to us that this is a medical illness and like with most illnesses it is possible to get better, it’s possible to have relapses. The stories of his struggles and that of his girlfriend and family are ones that will hit a chord with a lot of us, but he reminds people that it’s ok to feel this way. It reminds things get and sometimes us that we’re all human too much. I very much feel that Haig is going to be a part of the revolution in how we think about mental health and I’m really, very excited about that.