Waiting pays off! My good news!

May 29, 2015Leave a comment

Hello to all my lovely followers, to start off with today has been a little bit crazy and fast paced and I’m absolutely shattered as I write this. I’m laying in bed at my Basingstoke home with the stupidest grin on my face. All that I’ve been posting about trying to stay positive and not get too low? Well it’s worked because I’ve had great news today!

I have been missing uni lately, missing the structure, learning, having societies to go to. It’s because even though I wouldn’t have been able to go to class, I would have had something to think about, work on rather than my brain going around and around. Really I needed a new challenge, which I have been setting myself. I’ve settled into writing habits, been packing for the trip to Athens and trying to establish some sort of routine around my back, which is harder than it sounds.

Today marks 5 weeks since my accident and by complete surprise I finally got my back brace! My Physio is an angel, and absolute angel and so are the rest of the team. Thanks to them I’ve had a lot less pain after they thought waiting another 2 weeks for my brace to be fitted would be ridiculous. They’d had training themselves so simply went up, got the brace and got me fitted (took 3 members of the very smiley team). I’d been so nervous about physio but I laughed so much and although it was painful I’m so looking forward to getting better now.

People do stare when I wear it, at first I didn’t care I was just so happy and felt so much more protected. My nerves got a bit worse walking though town when people stared but for the most part I was just so, so happy that I finally had my brace and I have things to look forward to. Already today was going better than yesterday and most of the day before. Even though it was pouring down outside it was like I just had this little sunshine following me around that let me forget about everything else for a little bit.

I logged onto my laptop with a few things to do between packing and had a lot of free time to kill (or so I thought) until an email flashed up. I saw that it was about the internship position I’d gone for an interview for, I thought I hadn’t got it. Well how wrong was I! I’ve been offered one of my dream internships!! I’m now a Social Media Coordinator! I get to handle our social media, go to events and live tweet, it’s all so exciting! I’m flying with happiness about it all after thinking I wouldn’t get it at all!

So I got down to the office in the pouring rain as quickly as my spine would let me. Everyone was lovely and welcoming. I felt instantly comfortable in the new office and will be issues with my staff email and such when I start after I come back from my trip to Athens! I’m recognised as staff now!

I’ve got so much to look forward to now that I can relax a little about not getting the grade I wanted and buying a bigger pair of shorts, because you know what? Right now I feel pretty damn awesome.

Perspective

May 28, 2015May 28, 2015Leave a comment

After yesterday’s upset and a hellish day today I wanted to change my perspective. This quote caught my eye and I thought, yeah ok I’m going to embrace this. I’d been clinging on to those summer clothes since I was in college so not being able to fit into them and getting upset was silly. I didn’t want yesterday to define today and I don’t want the let downs of today to define tomorrow.

So I did something to change my perspective on the little bit of weight, I went shopping for shorts. Shorts! I don’t care any more, I don’t care about my stretch marks anymore because I put those shorts on and I looked good, real damn good. I’m going to use the disappointing grade to make sure I work even harder next year so that I get higher grades. I’m going to try and change this into something positive.

Image from Pinterest.

Banishing Body Blues

May 27, 20151 Comment

Honesty time, I have spend this evening wallowing in my own self pity feeling awful and wanting to cry. Why? You ask? Not the injury, I haven’t failed anything (that I know of), nope I couldn’t fit into last years summer clothes. That’s it. Seems silly right? I’ve spent all evening trying to pal na blog but blocked by this big dark cloud of feeling worthless. So I write a blog (it sucked) and put on my iTunes to Emma Blackery, my favourite Youtuber, her song Perfect sits there. I’ve put it above because it’s such an uplifting song. I started listening to it and I was like yeah you know, I’m okay.

I might not be a size 8 any more and it sucks that some of my clothes don’t fit but right now I’m recovering. I can hardly walk but I’ve been crying over putting on weight? No logic there, right? My family, Ali and Friends tell me that it’s the least of my worries with a fractured spine, if there’s any time not to feel guilty about weight gain, it’s now.

I don’t want to be this critical of myself, if anything I think it’s just wanting control back of my body. It’s just letting me down and I hate it and there is nothing I can do, which hurts the most. Since I’ve been getting better from the depression I’ve wanted to be so positive and do things but I fall down sometimes and want to go back to bad habits. I’m still fighting and I wanted to share this song with you because I know that everyone has their own struggles, something I wrote about a couple of months back.

Am I completely happy and fine and cheery? No, that’s why I wrote this because if any of you are going through the same thing I want you to know it’s ok. I don’t want it to become this big disgusting secret and I might get crap for this but guess what I PUT ON WEIGHT. Just like all of us will at some point in our lives, I might put it on, lose it, I might never reach a size 8 again and I’ll never be the same size as my tiny sister. I’m trying to focus on the positives though, I’m smart, I’m going on a course in ATHENS for my work and can travel with my lovely boyfriend. It’s all about trying to put it in perspective and hopefully I can keep listening to the music until this cloud decides to go.

As always I’d love to talk to you guys so leave a comment! If you want to hear more about Emma Blackery you can also check out her YouTube channel, it’s brilliant. What are you waiting for, click the link here for her regular channel and here for lifestyle and advice!

10 things I’ve learnt in the last month

May 25, 2015May 25, 20151 Comment

Yesterday was 1 month since I fell off Rose, I couldn’t believe how quickly one month had gone. Although I still have a month until my next spine appointment, I will have hopefully made some more improvements. Where am I at the moment? I’m still taking very strong painkillers and have trouble getting up but I can walk that little bit further than before. I was quite poorly yesterday night (hence no blog) but I wanted to use today’s to think about some of the things I’ve learnt this month while I’ve been resting. Enjoy 🙂

1. Fear of falling is never a good thing

When I fell from Rose, I wasn’t scared. I knew that I had to just let go, it was only a fall. Ok, yes I ended up with much more than just an initial bruise BUT I want to get that feeling back. I want to get that feeling where I’m not scared of falling because I can’t just go around scared whenever I ride. I kind of want to apply it to other areas of my life too. I’m a total perfectionist, I’m absolutely terrified of failing, especially academically. So maybe I can relax a little? Just enough so I’m not a huge ball of stress all through third year.

I will get back to being this fearless on a horse!

2. How lucky I am

I am walking. I am not permanently in a wheelchair and I’m so grateful. The lack of finding the fractures meant I went back to my normal life, I could have very easily ended up paralysed. I’ve been cared for by the people who matter and I’m still getting there but it looks like I’m going to recover from this, for that I am so,so lucky.

3. I want to be financially secure so I can afford private healthcare once I’ve graduated

I don’t want the NHS to be privatised because for most of my life it’s been there and I’m glad we can rely on a National System. That said, I wasn’t treated well with this serious injury, I’ve had to wait and push and be in extreme pain for appointments and I still don’t have my back brace never mind that the fractures were missed. It’s one of my goals in life to have private healthcare because I know I will be treated with the best possible care, it’s sad but true.

4. I have lots of wonderful people around me

My family is incredible and so are my friends. I’ve had this outpouring of love from all of my friends and family. Cards have been sent, I’ve been accompanied to hospital, Ali’d had to help me move, I’ve been pushed in my wheelchair and made to smile about it, comments,presents and messages. I feel so loved and appreciated everything so, so much.

5. Sometimes it’s ok that things don’t go to plan

As you all know I was meant to go to Prague with Eleanor and Dani this month. I’d been counting down for so long and I couldn’t go. I was devastated to say the least and I cried, a lot. The thing is although I didn’t get to go to Prague, I got invited to the Society Awards instead and saw my society win an award, as well as another one of my best friends win an award. Am I still sad that I missed out on time with El and Dani? Of course I am but at least I still got to smile with two of my other best friends.

6. You can always embarrass yourself in front of your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together

Ali and I have been together for seven years and yet I still find ways to embarrass myself. I’ve been taking showers as I can stand up in the warm water, it helps the pain. I decided my legs NEEDED shaving so I sat down in the bath…then realised I was stuck. Ali then had to come and lift me out of the bath, it was a beautiful moment. I was so embarrassed, love huh?

7. There are other ways to let out pain and frustration

In the past when I was in the darkest parts of depression I didn’t know how to let my pain and frustration out in a positive way, now it’s a lot better. I write a lot or I draw sometimes. There are so many things that you can do to let it all out, I’ll be writing a post in the future about it.

8. Friends are priceless

I couldn’t have kept my spirits up the way I have without my friends, they’ve been incredible. They’ve visited or messaged me and kept my spirits up with I’ve been very low and they haven’t gotten frustrated when it takes me so long to walk anywhere.Thank you to all of you, I love you so much.

9. A lot needs to be done for people who are permanently in wheelchairs

I’ve gone out in my wheelchair twice and I’ve noticed this. While the majority of people have been nice and helpful I’ve been moaned at my people in cars for not being off the road the second the light turns green for them, I’ve been sighed at when someone needs to change their path because of my wheelchair and I’ve been walked in front of. This is where angry Chloe happens who doesn’t give a monkeys, I usually shout after them. It’s been so hard getting about in the wheelchair, to get up the pavement is a major issue, getting into shops, getting around in general! More needs to be done for people in wheelchairs to make their lives easier!

10. Pain doesn’t mean the end of happiness

I’ve been pretty low through all this but I’ve still managed happiness. I can stil laugh with my friends and I’ve adapted things. I’m not saying I don’t get upset, frustrated and angry, but I can still achieve happiness even if it’s harder.

Still smiling

My Big Mouth: Ireland changes the world, Take Note USA

May 23, 2015Leave a comment

Today history was made in Ireland, the good people of that beautiful country voted YES to everyone being able to marry! While I was unhappy that it had come down to a vote (I mean come on no one had to vote on straight people being able to get married) the result is incredible.

I’ve been watching the news for the past two days, hoping and keeping everything crossed. People travelled home to cast this vote, because they are decent people, who believe in freedom and equality. Someone asked me ‘Why are you so excited?, It’s great but you don’t live in Ireland and you’re not gay?’. Correct, I neither live in Ireland, nor am I gay but I have a really close friend who is. I wrote a letter to them last year for National Coming Out Day (read it here), it makes me sick that if they lived in another country they might not be able to marry someone they love because of someone else’s bull**** opinions. I don’t care what religion you’re a part of, you can’t take away someone else’s happiness.

I’m bursting with happiness for Ireland but there is so much that we need to do! Listen up America, it’s your turn! America is getting a lot better with legalising gay marriage (pft legalising it, I hate writing that). That said, some people still think if they shout loud enough they and stop whatever they want, especially if they back themselves up with some religious book.People deserve the right to get married no matter what their sexual preference is. They are in love, they want to be committed to each other and it’s not going to impact anyone else’s life other than theirs.

I realise this has gotten slightly ranty and I apologise. I just feel so passionate that countries such as the UK and USA are leading countries so we should set an example and show love and compassion. I’ve hung out with a lot of LGBTQ people and guess what? They’re good, normal, honest people! So what if a girl likes another girl, a boy likes another boy or someone decides they like the best of both or uncomfortable in their own skin.

Change the world, spread some love and fight for equality! Congratulations Ireland!

Image from Pinterest

Society Awards 2015!!!

May 23, 2015May 23, 20151 Comment

Last night I mentioned that I was getting ready for the university Society Awards. It was all a bit of a rush at first with missing trains, busses not turning up and my sat in my wheelchair waiting for someone (Amy) to come and push me. We’ve gotten A LOT better at navigating around Kingston since the last time and Amy has strength that she never knew she did. So Amy, Laura and I headed out to represent Kingston Horse Riding Society at the awards.

It was a big dinner and award ceremony and I was wheeled around (and to my embarrassment carried because there weren’t ramps to the waiting area). We ate, laughed and took photos. First up was volunteering awards, which I’m embarrassed to say that I really didn’t know anything about. I’d love to volunteer but next year I’m going to be doing so much it will be unreal!

We nervously waited for our categories. This year we were nominated for Most Improved Society, Best President and Laura for Outstanding Contribution. We were shortlisted for the first….and then we won!!!!! We screamed so loud, our little society had won most improved! I was gutted that I couldn’t go up and accept with the others but a special mention was made and my picture taken! It was an incredible feeling and something I’m so proud to take through when I am president next year.

The society’s award!!!

Next up was president of the year, which unfortunately Laura didn’t win but was shortlisted! We sat through the rest of the evening grinning like idiots because we did it! We had an award!! We only had one more to go and I, being the clumsy idiot I was, was trying not to knock everything over on the table.

Can you tell how excited we are? 😀

For the final award of the night, Outstanding Contribution and we have a winner!!! Laura was one of 8 chosen! I cried when she won this award. I’m proud of all for my friends for different reasons, for Laura this is just a smidgen of how proud I am of her. Like me, she had a fall last year but is STILL recovering and had 9 months off of riding while she helped all of us and taught me everything I know about horses. She’d dealt with a load of other stuff as well and always has a smile on her face. Well deserved is an understatement and I am so happy to have her in my life and I can’t wait to watch our friendship grow over all our riding adventures!

Lovely Laura with her incredible award!

I was so glad I went, after all the nerves and panic I felt about going in the chair. There were also times while I was there and feeling a little bit overwhelmed. So many people wanted to know about the wheelchair and what happened and what was going on in terms of recovery. I appreciated their kindness but it sent my anxiety into overdrive and nervousness.

Later on I’d calmed down and enjoyed myself. I was even wheeled on the dance floor and spun around, trying to wave my arms like a mad thing. Later, Laura did the same until my meds started to ware off and I got tired. I ended up getting wheeled home after midnight with lollipops and sweets. I was tucked up in bed (after being lifted in when my back decided it didn’t want to work) with a smile on my face and a tummy full of nerves for a fantastic society next year.

Dressing up

May 22, 20151 Comment

I’m writing this in the 15 minutes or so that I have before Laura and Amy arrive to pick up me and my wheels for tonight’s society night out. It’s the Volunteering and Society awards, yaaaaay! The Riding society is up for best new society and best president (go Laura!).

No was with many of these types of occasions there is a theme to adhere to, this year was a mix between carnival and Gatsby. It meant I had to find something to where which didn’t make me feel hideously underdressed but still fancy enough while being comfortable in my wheelchair. I’ve had an outfit change already due to to outfit I wanted to wear not looking as good sitting down as standing up.

I don’t know what it is about dressing up to go out but it leaves me in a cold sweat. I’m not entirely comfortable in short dresses/ skirts for a night out and as fo heels? I love wearing them but I’m not great at walking in them. There was a time when I was younger that dressing up was my favourite thing ever, I loved discos and parties and would try ANYTHING in terms of fashion. Now I seem to have developed a uniform at uni of jeans and a nice jumper or t-shirt to uni, with my parka on top and either converses or Doc Martin’s on my feet. In the summer jeans get changed to shorts and tops to vest tops, with some floaty dresses thrown in one or twice a week.

I don’t know what it is there is just this horrible panicking fear when I dress up and wanting to measure up to other girls around me. Now I know 90% of girls do this, they look around the room and try and see if they look ‘good enough’. I try not to do this but I’m human like all of you. Once I’m there and relaxed I mostly calm down but the thought of dressing up and going to a big room full of people I don’t know, especially when I’m in a wheelchair, makes me go incredibly shy, which I NEVER AM!

It’s the huge internal monologue of Ok, who do I know here, do I know anyone here? No? Ok right talk to people, come on talk. Right ok now you’re talking to someone don’t say anything stupid. Did I hear someone laughing, shit is my dress up at the back? How do I subtly find out without making it look like I’ve got a major wedgie? Oh god what are they talking about now? Just smile and nod, smile and nod.

Usually I get away with it and people are nice and I catch up with what’s going on. So there you have it, I’m off out, nervous and anxious as hell for no apparent reason, which is odd because if I was doing a mental health speech I’d be fine, but this and feeling out of my depth, not so much. That’s me off so hopefully I’ll have a good night and something interesting to tweet about later!

‘All you need is POSITIVITY’

May 21, 2015May 21, 2015Leave a comment

Yes, yes I did just quote a Spice Girls song and no I do not have any shame (come on I was a Spice Girls obsessed little girl, of course I can quote the songs).

Hello lovely readers, I hope you’re all doing ok. So today hasn’t been a great day, It’s been pretty rubbish although I’ve had some good news (more on that later) but mostly bad, which left me pretty low. I reached a point today after a little cry where I saw up and thought, right I’ve had time to be low and now I’ve got to get on with what I need to do. For now, that means resting but keeping my mind active, doing my physio and then slowly moving up with the goal of still having a great summer. What’s being miserable going to achieve?

Now I know what some of you are thinking, It’s great for her, but I can’t do that. Let me tell you a little secret, for years when people told me to ‘stop being negative’ I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell and fight and make them understand that I just couldn’t be, why didn’t they understand? I just couldn’t be positive, I couldn’t get out of this black cloud and sometimes you can’t. You have to be at a point where you’re well enough and bit by bit you will get there, it just takes time.

Anyway, back to today. I’m not saying I won’t have lows, I have depression lows are a part of my life, so are anxiety attacks. I just want to try and control them, grab positives when I can. It is hard and I am struggling but I’ve been worse than this before and somehow I got through. I know I’m stubborn and headstrong, so I’m going to try and use that to be positive when I can. I’ve got so many people helping and caring for me, the least I can do is try. Although I had an avalanche of bad news, it wasn’t all bad, I’ve got an interview for some really incredible work opportunities, I got to see Joe today and I finally have physio booked!

Being positive with a mental health condition isn’t always easy but it is possible, just not all the time! Take some time to do something you want to do, go back to something you enjoy (for me it’s been sketching), make a plan of things you’d like to do or ,if you’re like me, lists can make you feel so much more in control of the situation (which I struggle with, not being in control make a very stressed Chloe). So even if right now, there is no light you can see in your life. If things are so stressful you just want to hide under the covers, you’ll get there and there WILL be better things to come. Also why not try reading the ‘helping yourself list‘ I wrote about last year?

I hope you’ve enjoyed todays blog, as ever leave a comment below and let me know what you think!

Image from Pinterest

Book Review: Breaking The Silence by Jo Milne

May 20, 2015Aug 20, 2016Leave a comment

For most of us, listening to the kettle boil, the voices of our families or the sound of a bird is something that we take for granted. These are just sounds of everyday life, right? Not for Jo Milne and thousands of others like her who are registered deaf. Jo was born deaf and after it being picked up in her early childhood in the 1970s, Jo was simply known as ‘the deaf girl to those around her who knew and loved her. With the support of a loving family Jo managed to live a relatively normal life and was happy.

All goes well for Jo who doesn’t let her disability stop her, instead spending her life to help others with disabilities. That is, until she is diagnosed with Usher Syndrome, meaning that as well as being deaf, she is also going blind. Her fear of being plunged into darkness and silence is always present (as it would be for any of us!). After battling for years with these feelings a lifeline was offered to her, the ability to hear via a cochlear implant to the brain. A video that went viral on Youtube, prompting interest around the world.

This is a story of determination, courage and love. I read this within 24 hours and was glued to it the whole time. I loved Jo’s spirit and that of her family who merely adapted their lives so that she was always a part of their life. Although it is clear Jo struggles, and some of the tales from school will make your heart fill with anger and sadness, she keeps bouncing back, never letting life drag her down.

I’ve always been fascinated by the deaf community, sign language and lip reading are both beautiful forms of communication. Jo has handled all of this and then has to learn again, this time to cope without her sight, which understandably she struggles with but she is so honest. I think the reason I loved Jo’s memoir so much is that she’s honest, nothing is sugar coated but she’s not bitter either. She constantly fights through and believes in herself with the wisdom her late grandfather gave to her. I think that struck a chord personally too, the connection she has with her grandfather reminded me very much of the connection with mine.

While you would expect this story to make you a little low, I can tell you with certainty it doesn’t. What Jo does is make you realise that each day is different, that even in truly dark times where you feel like your body is betraying you there is a way around it. She has a kind heart and the steely determination of the Geordie roots she is so proud of (and so she should be!).

I’m giving this book 5 stars *****, because if anything it’s one of the most inspirational memoirs I’ve ever read. I remember watching Joanne on TV when the video first came out and I could have listened to her all day, reading her book has made it possible to understand her world. I feel like EVERYONE should read this, if anything just to understand what life is like for someone with disabilities. This is a truly amazing book and I hope you all have the pleasure to read it.

Also, here is the viral video of Jo being able to hear for the first time, prepare to have tears in your eyes! 🙂

Review by Chloe Metzger

Wheelchairs, Goodbyes and Dinner along the river

May 19, 20153 Comments

Left to Right Alissa,Eleanor, Amy, Maisha, Dani, Me

Yesterday marked the arrival of my wheelchair, which I’d been recommended to rent out, but it was more cost effective to buy it *sigh*. I hadn’t been looking forward to it but I wasn’t that anxious until they rang the doorbell to deliver it. It came in it’s big box while Ali unwrapped it for me. We both just kind of stared at it for a while. I could tell that something in him matched my uneasiness about it. I sat in it and got back out again trying not to cry before asking him to put it away, I can’t even push myself in it! I didn’t want it, I hated it and I didn’t want to go anywhere.

Luckily I got to escape to my doctors appointment, determined to walk to the bus stop. I got given more pain medication, had been dealing with the lousy insurance company and had to call Orthopaedics about a mistake they had made in my appointments. To put it simply I was pretty low. It didn’t help that on the bus ride home there were no seats. Standing on a bus brings unbelievable pain and luckily a woman spotted my face and let me sit down and a man offered to help me get up again after, which being me I said no to. I met Laura quickly to pick up my new prescription and she cheered me up, but I was still uneasy about going out in the evening.

A thousand thoughts went through my head, what if people stare? What if I just become the wheelchair girl when I go out? What if people laugh? I didn’t have too long to think about it before Amy picked me up. From then on it was more trying to navigate the roads…they really aren’t that wheelchair friendly. Pavements to get across the road weren’t straight and we couldn’t pull my chair, horrendous pathways I feel for people who are wheelchair bound, it’s really not fair!

From then on we met the girls and I started to relax, nobody here treated me different that’s for sure! They all relaxed too after being a bit nervous themselves and we were ready to have a great last meal with Alissa before she headed back to the US *sniff* and before Dani and El caught their flight to Prague.We had a great time, good food and I laughed so much my face hurt. We were all laughing and screaming while Amy and Eleanor divided steering me and trying to avoid the river ;).

Dinner along the Thames

Despite smiling so much I went home and cried, I cried because I was going to miss Alissa who has become such a big part of our lives, I cried because I wished more than anything that I was going to Prague with the girls and I partly cried with relief because none of them saw me any differently. I woke up with a funny picture of ‘stick chloe’ on the plane with El and Dani to make me smile. I carried on with the day going for my brace measurement appointment, having a coffee with Laura before picking up some drawing stuff on the way home as something to do.

Last night when the girls had made me laugh so much the chair didn’t matter 🙂

The closer I got to home the more pain I was in. I got so mad, I was trying to be positive and everything but WHY was I so frustrated and sad all the time? On top of that I was completely exhausted, fed up I took a lie down to rest again. It is hard, I didn’t think I’d mind as much as I do but I’m usually up and about all the time. I caught myself dreaming about going swimming again, or for an absent minded walk around Kingston and for the next 6 or so weeks I’m stuck not being able to do either.

Being Supergirl for my brace measurements appointment

I’m both positive and sad at the same time. I know it won’t be forever but I think missing out on Prague has hit the hardest. I know I can go again, but I look at the girls pictures and love and miss them both so much. So all in all a confusing day and I’m just about ready to sleep after being cooked a lovely Steak by Ali tonight (to make up for the palm size excuse for one that had the girls wetting themselves last night!).

Tomorrow will be better, I’ll make sure of it. Night guys!

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