I’m a teeny bit competitive

Nov 17, 2015Leave a comment

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I am a competitive person. I have been for a long time and since being at uni it’s definitely increased. Partly my need to achieve and be the best is to shut up my anxiety and depression who like the tell me that I’m shit but it’s got to this competitive stage, even though I’d never be mean about it. The person I’m the absolute worst to is myself, I am super competitive with me!

Today I was in my 2nd gym class and I’ve started taking into account the little exercise I can do as well as keeping track of what I’m eating and trying to control my portion sizes as well as make better choices. With that in mind and the fact that I already had physio yesterday I did something a little silly, I pushed myself too much. I was getting so happy to see the numbers going up and just the thought of being able to fit into some of my favourite clothes just spurred me on a little too much.

I’m pretty sore right now but I’ve learnt my lesson and I won’t over do it again. I’ve been very strict with myself about numbers, I don’t need anything else negative in my life or anything I could control in a bad way so I banned scales. I don’t have any in my flat apart from kitchen ones on purpose because I know that I would just constantly weigh myself, compare myself and get stupidly anxious over it and then cry and be unhappy, no matter how thin I was.

So in a way I’m doing this blind, there’s no number here. I have a rough idea of what I weighed a while ago and after the end of my sessions I will try on my dress and possibly look when I’m at my parents house but there will be NO obsessive checking because I got absorbed with weight as a teenager. That’s the lovely part of being a teenager, puppy fat, bullying, being told to go to weight watchers, all lovely stuff. The best thing about this recovery is there’s no pressure, just support. I chose to take the class, I’m choosing what I eat and what portion size I want and when I want a day off and a take away.

So maybe I need to work on being a little less competitive for all of this to work and stop being so hard on myself. After all this is recovery, not the Olympics and hopefully it will do wonders for my stress levels too!

The world and my mind

Nov 16, 2015Leave a comment

This will only be a short post. Yesterday I didn’t write, I slept until 1pm and spent the rest of the day switching the news on and off every other hour to see updates of the situation in Paris, reading about other events that caused destruction in the world and trying to distract myself with tv shows and work I had to do.When something like this happens you realise that you need happiness in your life, you need to appreciate the little things, because if the attacks on public places in Paris taught us anything it’s that no one knows what’s going to happen day to day.

It’s been no secret that I’ve been struggling for the last 6 months or so and while I was upset about Paris there were other things that were bothering me. Things that, while they might not mean a lot to anyone else, meant a lot to me and I was having lows. That said I felt like I couldn’t speak about how I felt because there was so much suffering in the world and while normally I’d spend the weekend or any time alone I had working through things, what has been happening meant I felt uncomfortable to even think about.

Today I got to see my mental health team and they understood what I wanted to say and why I didn’t feel I could say it. Those old words ‘everyone is fighting their own battle’ is true and I could finally talk without feeling like the most selfish and self absorbed person ever. I cried tears for the people lost across the world over the weekend but for today I needed to focus on myself again.

I made some important decisions today and while I don’t feel that I can talk about them on here yet, I hope that in the near future I can write about them. I never expected something that didn’t even happen to me to have such a big effect on me, if that makes sense. What’s been going on has just reinforced that life’s too short to spend it unhappy, especially for someone who cannot always have happiness.

I hope this blog made some kind of sense and I promise it will all be more coherent when I’ve had a proper night’s sleep.

Night guys, stay safe.

I Stand With Paris.

Nov 14, 2015Leave a comment

Last night people went out to do normal things, they went out for meals, went to a concert and I think that’s the worst thing about that. I’ve seen pictures of people my age coming out of the concert hall and that just hit me this is something I do monthly, these people were probably excited to see a band and never thought something like this would happen.

Paris is a city that I spent a good deal of my childhood holidays in, my Mum would take me there on a coach regularly, we’d go to Disneyland and then the next day go into the centre of Paris. I’ve seen the Eiffel tower, the streets and although I haven’t been in years the prospect of visiting excited me. I planned to take Ali at the end of this year, either this month or next but didn’t have the money to do it. I still can’t believe I watched last night as this unfolded in a place that brought me so much joy as a child.

The people of France are waking up this morning in shock and horror, not sure how to process what happened last night. I am grateful to hear from friends in the city that they are all safe, but I know others will have to cope with the loss of people they love. What I also know is that the people of Paris are strong, they will help each other get through this. They will stand up to these spineless terrorists, they will not let anyone beat them.

We all need to remember that we cannot blame a religion for this, it is not the fault of religion. It is the fault of some disgusting and twisted minds who wanted an excuse, this is the fault of terrorism. I will not stand for my friends in the religion of Islam hated and being attacked for something they didn’t do and stand against, like the rest of us.

I stand with Paris and my heart goes out to you, the city of lights will not stay dark ❤

Of course my period is a luxury…right?

Nov 13, 20157 Comments

Every year since I was about 12 I have been blessed with the greatest luxury according to my government. I’ve gone out and bought a box of tampons or pads, my ‘luxury item’ and paid tax, meanwhile if I’d have bought some jaffa cakes I would have paid no tax, my boyfriend buying his razor isn’t taxed.

When I heard that the tampon tax would be debated I stupidly had some hope, of course anyone who was intelligent would end a tax on tampons and pads it’s something 50% of the population need. I saw the news after and remembered that the stupidly high percentage of tory men obviously aren’t intelligent and I was stupid to believe they were. Now I used to roll my eyes at this I was like but they’re not that much right? Then I sat and thought about it, actually if I add up how much I have spent and will spend it’s an obscene amount of money and simply because I am a woman. I didn’t ask for my period, I really don’t want it and it causes a stupid amount of trouble as well as eating my money.

I then saw something else, women around the world who can’t afford these items. Women in my own country, one of the most forward in the world, are having to ask food banks if they can get hold of tampons and pads because they’re having to use things they have made themselves to stop the flow. I don’t understand how it’s gotten to this. You can walk into a clinic and get free condoms but you can’t get anything free for your period? So those who can’t afford it risk their health because the blood is seen as unsanitary.

On that note I was thinking about the girl whose picture was taken off Instagram because it showed that she had bled through her pajama bottoms.

Now, hands up ladies who’s had an accident at some point or another? Whether that be at night when mother nature surprises you or just in your pants. If I could see through the screen I would see everyone who had had a period with their hand up. These things happen more often than people would like to admit. Now I admit do I like looking at this picture? No. Is it because it’s her period? Also no. I don’t like blood! I don’t like blood coming from anywhere I’m a squeamish person! But without periods none of us would be here. None at all.

What I’m really begging for here is common sense. Periods (literally) make the world go round, they hurt and they’re irritating without having to pay extra on the items to please other people and you know not ruin our clothes. I have no doubt if it was more acceptable some people would just you know bleed and not give a damn, not me personally but some people would. Our periods are necessary whether some stuck up men who run the country are intelligent enough to know that or not, so don’t tax us on what we need!

Book Review: Travelling to Infinity – Jane Hawking

Nov 12, 2015Aug 20, 2016Leave a comment

“I say to you what I always say when things cannot be altered: count your blessings.”

While many have often worshiped and stared in awe of Stephen Hawking, there is one person who many do not even consider. For Stephen to overcome his disability and become the man he is today he needed love and support that wasn’t freely available when he was diagnosed. Let me introduce you to Jane Hawking, who fell in love with Stephen as a young girl at university and grew into a woman with an incredible sense of determination.

Through Jane Hawkings eyes we are shown her life with Stephen, from the beginning when she met him at a party, through his diagnoses, the fights with the university in the face of eviction, raising children and putting her own dreams aside. Jane Hawking has an incredible sense of resilience through everything. What many don’t know is that Jane is also a professor and incredible academic, although at a time she was surrounded by men and having to fully support Stephen, she thought that it would never happen.

“That single afternoon completely destroyed whatever illusions I might have held about combining motherhood with some sort of intellectual occupation.”

It would be wrong not to mention the Oscar winning movie, The Theory of Everything, which I didn’t know when watching had come from this book. It is one of my all time favourite movies and so of course I had to read the book. I was pleasantly surprised but at the same time my eyes were opened, obviously a lot was missed out. The focus has always been on Stephen and he’s incredible and deserves his credit, but after reading this I’m pleased that Jane also got her own moment.

I will say that this is a memoir that you have to stick with, but won’t regret. By the end I was emotionally connected to it and had a new hero in not Stephen, but Jane. She was everything that I aspired to be a wife, a mother and in the end an Academic. I also felt angry for her, upset for her at the end when Stephen left her for another woman, causing their divorce. I couldn’t comprehend it after all she had done, but again it didn’t stop her, she still achieved her dreams.

I’m going to give this four stars ****. It is a brilliant book, strong and interesting. We get an insight into the life of Stephen Hawking that we’ve never had before and we get a new hero too. If I can grow to be anything like Jane Hawking I’ve done something great. The reason I didn’t give it five stars is because there is some challenging language in the book as well as it being rather long. For the first time I feel like if I hadn’t seen the film I might not have finished the book because it does take some time to get through. That doesn’t mean that it’s not addictive, Jane’s way of telling her story is incredible and if you’re up to the challenge put it on your to read list.

Happy 21st Joe!

Nov 11, 2015Leave a comment

This is just a quick post to say Happy Birthday to one of the most amazing people in my life. The brother I never had, the most sarcastic bitch I know and just all around good guy. This is going to be your best year yet!!! Thanks for everything and here’s to getting through our twenteens together!

The Gym: Let’s do this.

Nov 10, 2015Nov 11, 20151 Comment

This morning I crawled out of bed after being awake for most of the night. I was tired, nervous and excited. After 7 months of not being allowed to push myself, of having to watch for signs that my legs were giving up and tense doctors appointments I got to go into a supervised gym class with a physio instructor. I wrote about my body and its changes this week as well, which had such an incredible response from all over the world. I knew I had to write about this too but I was so nervous. I really didn’t want to have to stop after a few exercises or for my leg to go completely numb so that I fall over.

I turned up in my matching gym clothes and was the youngest one there, mostly OAPs, one man who I’d say was in his 30s with a leg injury and a woman in her 30s who came in later. To say I was self conscious was an understatement and when we started warm up I started to panic, it was painful and I couldn’t keep up very easily. As we moved on to the machines I needed a little bit of help going through my routine.

For now it consists of 2-3 minutes on each machine/ activity and I mix them up with how I feel:

Cross Trainer

Exercise Bike level 3

Balancing on a ball board (I don’t know the proper name for this)

Marching while doing weights on a trampoline

Holding my balance on an exercise ball while lifting weights

Sitting on an exercise ball and catching a ball that is either thrown to me or I catch after throwing it at the wall

Rising on my toes (aided) holding and going back down

While this week I had to do them in burst and I could only do each one once in the session each week I will build this up and by the end of my 6 weeks I should be able to do all of them a few times in the session! I left completely covered in sweat, tired but really happy. I finally felt like I’d achieved something and although I was pretty sore I was ok, I could still walk which was a bonus. I had about an hour to get back, have a shower and be on the bus to uni, believe me a shower has never felt so good in all my life.

My next stop was the university doctor, again. I have reviews pretty regularly for my medication and generally how I’m doing. This time it was another increase in medication, this time to help me sleep. The pain in the day I’m pretty much stuck with and just have to take both the good and the bad days, do my physio and wait it out. Not sleeping because of the pain is an entirely different thing, if I don’t sleep it affects my mood, I quickly get very depressed and lose all motivation to do anything so making such I’m not kept awake all night is a priority. My dose of both my Dihydrocodine and Gabapentin have gone up at night and I have another check in two weeks.

I also made it through my lecture without falling asleep too although I wasn’t really myself. All aside this spine focused day has given me some hope and don’t tell anyone but I actually quite liked going to the gym to start my day. When I have a bigger place/ am better I would definitely like to get a Cross trainer for me at home. So that’s the start of my gym time done and I’m kind of looking forward to next week although I may change my mind on that tomorrow…

This is my body

Nov 9, 2015Nov 9, 20155 Comments

I’ve been thinking about my body a lot lately. Over the last 7 months I’ve seen it change and adapt so that it can heal, I’ve felt it slow down and been crippled by pain, I’ve seen it expand in the mirror. To say that I’ve been upset about it would be an understatement, combined it wrecked my confidence. How could I be seen with my stunning friends when my skin was marked by the way it had to stretch? How could I pretend to not see when guys would look at them and look past me being the chubby one. It made me angry because I never used to care so why did I now?

Tomorrow I start the gym for my physio sessions, which is a huge part of my recovery. It’s taken 7 long months of small stretches and exercises, acupuncture and pain. While watching Caitlin Moran last night (this is the video that inspired me) I had a realisation. While she stood up and showed her stomach off to the huge crowd and just went this is me I had a feeling burst inside me. She doesn’t give a shit, so why should I? Why should I get teary because I put on weight while my body was you know putting one of the most important bones in my body back together.

So here is the scary bit…this is my belly, something that caused me a lot of upset over the years…

There you go, that’s it my tum after a lot of healing. I don’t know, looking at it why I get so freaked out and angry at myself. I look at these pictures and think to myself I really like my curves and it’s just what it is. I’m not going into that gym to boast on Instagram and Twitter about how healthy I am, about my fabulous weight loss (if that happens). I’m going to the gym to continue to fix my body after trauma, to build muscle back where it’s gone. If I lose some fat, that’s fine but I’ve decided that it’s no longer my aim.

I don’t want to get into that dangerous territory where I start getting controlling over what I eat again. I know how dangerous that can be especially when you’re already trying to get through depression because you start hating and taking out your sadness on your body. Been there, done that.

I’m fully aware that this post might get some negative responses, that I’m fat, I’m ugly. Whatever. If this makes one person feel better about their body, male or female, then I’m pleased I wrote this. I’m going to try my hardest not to let my body let me down yes I’m bigger than I was and covered in stretch makes but you know what putting a spine back together makes my body pretty cool.

This is my body and I’m proud of it, fuck what anyone else thinks and I hope you can feel that way too.

I don’t know what I’m doing

Nov 8, 2015Nov 8, 20154 Comments

I took myself off the blog for the last few days for a combination of things, I’ve been busy, my backs been keeping up at night and I’ve been freaking out more than a little bit. So I spent my time with family, at work, sleeping and occasionally having an almost panic attack.

I had a conversation with my Mum last night and just ended up saying ‘you know what I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, I have no idea what to do when I graduate, I just really don’t know’. Honestly that is how I feel right now but my Mum, being the babe she is just said to me ‘You know what Chlo, no one knows what they’re doing, just do what you want to do’ and there it was. It’s something so simple but something that we all forget.

I don’t think that anyone’s job choices will make everyone happy. Some people will make choices based on what other people want and then make themselves happy and to be honest no one really gives a shit. You get a job, you make people proud, blah blah blah, but no one else has to go to the job every day, has to work with the people in it and to you know earn a living and possibly do it until they die.

Does any of this mean that I understand what to do with my life? Of course not I still get stressed out all the bloody time. Will I get a good class degree? Do I go and do a grad scheme I like the look of? Do I go all in and just do my PhD and worry about money later? Do I just go and get a job straight away? Part of me just wants to go please someone give me a crystal bloody ball so I know what should happen!

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I’m guessing that there are a lot of people who just freak out sometimes and don’t know what’s going on or what they should do or if they’re even doing the right thing right now. I don’t think it’s specific this fear and uncertainty can impact anyone regardless of race, gender, sexuality, class etc. Who knows maybe everyone else is just pretending very well.