How am I really?

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Hello everyone. I realised reading through my blog that I really haven’t spoken about how I am, mentally I mean. All of my regular readers know about my spine and all that stuff but I did want to write this blog to share my experiences. So how am I really? Well things have been pretty up and down. Even in the last few weeks I’ve been taken hostage by my emotions after a lot of upheavals.

Honestly, I have had my struggles lately. Two of my best friends have moved to New Zealand, I’ve picked up three jobs, going between hospital appointments and just generally learning to cope with the pain of my spine. Not all of these have been necessarily bad or terrible all of the time but as you can imagine it doesn’t make controlling my moods easier. I think the tiredness isn’t easy either.

Living with a mental health condition is just something that I’ve learnt to deal with it. Is it a walk in the park? No. Is it always easy? Definitely not. I am trying to deal with it as best I can though with the help I have and the things I’ve learnt. I still have days where my bed is my best friend and facing the world is what I want to do least but there have been some positives. I’m starting to control the anger and frustration in a healthier way and be able to try and talk to the people around me and just admit when I’m not doing too good and just need some time or some space. I’m getting better at knowing what I need too.

I’m not healed, I might never be, but I’m okay with that. I’ve got through before and no matter how bad it gets, I have some strategies or I know who to talk to because I finally have a good medical team around me. I know right now I’m lucky and when I can pull myself out of that black hole enough to see it, it makes me so happy.

So answering the question, I’m getting through. I’m having more good days than I am bad, which for me is incredible. When I do get sad, anxious or start to develop a panic attack I can look at my tattoo and it reminds me one day at a time, that’s all that matters.

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Basingstooooooke

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Me, Ali, Rhys, Ben, Dan and my bodyguard for the day, Joe. 

Just a quick blog to say how awesome Basingstoke Live was! As usual a wicked crowd, the boys were great and I had a fab time, surrounded by friends and family. I might have had to sit down for a good part of the set (damn spine), but I think it was the best my voice has ever sounded. Now I’m off to get some Chinese food and play Cards Against Humanity. Oh and if you want to check us out (you know you do) go visit http://www.nopeopleclub.com!

Book Review: The Book Thief – Markus Zusak

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The Book Thief contains a few things you need to know about. A young girl, an old couple, a Jewish fist fighter, Hitler and Death. Sounds simple, right?  Liesel herself in a new town with a doting foster father and a sharp tongued foster mother, trying to understand why she can’t see her mother any more. But Liesel Memminger is haunted, haunted by the ghost of her younger brother whom she watched die. Another thing you should know she is a thief, but the novel is about more than that.

The novel is a about a young girl and a country that will never be the same after war. As Liesel, Hanns (her stepfather) and Rosa (her stepmother) hide a young Jewish man they know they are risking their lives, from such risk comes a beautiful tale. The problem with novels as good as this is that you don’t want to ruin any part of it because you love it so much. I will say though the novel is a long one but in a nice way. It’s the kind of book that you can take a break from but as soon as you turn another page you fall straight back into the story. I must tell you that Liesel is quite possibly the cleverest thief you will ever encounter in literature after she is given the gift of education – something no one can take away- she continues to feed that eagerness at all costs.

Which leads me on to another character I have to mention, because I know you will fall in love with him. Rudy is Liesel’s neighbour, a sweet boy who idolises black athlete Jesse Owens in the middle of Nazi Germany. As you can assume this does not work in his favour. The relationship between him and Liesel is one of my favourite parts of the novel though, without him I doubt the Book Thief would have become who she was. It is the childlike simplicity that really recounts the horrors of war, of children that cannot understand the fighting or why some parents never come home.

Although it’s a questionable concept, Death makes and incredible narrator and he was one of the best characters. Who would have thought death could be so kind, caring and thoughtful. Oh and let’s not forget funny, there is great humour in the book even if it seems sad. I laughed more than I ever wanted to cry and it wasn’t just little laughs that would escape me, it was loud laughter which is rare. Death is a curious character, reminiscent of a gentle old man trying to teach lessons to the young. By having war recounted by someone or something which many of us would assume reveled in war Zusak has done something incredible; very few authors could open someone’s mind as he has.

“Even death has a heart.”

At times the book made my heart hurt. I could see the scenes playing out in front of me, I wanted to look away but I couldn’t. I wanted to reach out but I wasn’t really there. What Zusak has done with his magical description should not be taken lightly. I have not read novel like this that is so vivid in a very long time. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry and I wanted to make sure nothing like this could ever happen again. It’s incredible that even though this is fiction, it feels as if it could be real and that is the magic of a good story teller, they made you believe the book is real.This book made me cry, and I’m grateful. It is a stunning piece of literature that I want to read again and again.

I can’t give this book anything less than five stars *****, something I don’t give lightly. I remember not reading this book years ago when I had the chance and I wish someone had shaken me! Zusak is an incredible writer, so much so that if he never wrote again this book would be enough. If you haven’t read it, you should need to, it is beautiful and one of the best novels ever written.

Review by Chloe Metzger

I can write a book….right?

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Walking around Waterstones (my bank accounts worst enemy), I marvel at all the books and just feel happy and calm surrounded by all the literature around me. Well apart from 50 shades, but I pretend that doesn’t exist. I feel so amazed and confident, all these books have been written, I can write one too. Right? Right! Then I go home, get a blank word document up and stare at my screen for a good few hours.

When I’m not thinking about writing I get so many ideas it’s unreal, when I can I scribble them and wish I could just stop and continue writing. The times I set aside to actually write I’m stuck. I’m stuck in a frenzy of wanting perfection, wanting to know where I’m going with this. Two months ago I was lucky enough to be accepted to spend a week studying in Athens for Kingston University’s Creative Writing Summer School. I had the best time, met like minded people and got some great tips and feedback on the novel I was working on. I flew back to the UK and now I’m stuck again.

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Some of the inspiration in Athens 

Some writers compare writing a novel to a really long labour. Once it’s finished and you have the finished thing everything’s lovely and wonderful but while you’re trying to birth this magical piece of literature there is blood, sweat and tears and lots of them. Now as you know, I’ve never had a child (nor do I really want to at this point, I’ll stick to babysitting) but I can understand this thought process. Writing this book is on my mind 24/7, sometimes I feel like I eat, sleep and breath wanting to get it done. Ther problem is I have a huge enemy…myself.

Come on, hands up my fellow writers, who feeds their inner critic? Who’s let them get big and fat off of fears and negativity. Yes, I’m guilty of it as well. I, like many of you reading this, am a perfectionist. I give everything I care about 110% and that, in writing is not always a good thing. I stop myself sometimes from making progress because I’m so fixated on things not being quite right or some feedback that someone has given me. But I do have ideas! I really, really do. I have ideas that I’m working on about families, I have ideas for YA Literature and nonfiction too. I know it’s there I just need to unlock everything that’s there.

How about you all? I’d love to hear what you think and how you deal with the blocks! Leave me a message in the comments below!

Gone but not forgotten, remembering 7/7

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10 years ago, London fell silent, what was first thought to be a power surge was actually more than anyone could imagine, a terror attack on our beautiful capital. Everyone remembers where they were when these things happen,  I was only 10 years old at the time, I even remember what I was wearing. I was heading back from a physio appointment with my Mum in her car (some things never change) and something came on the radio about something happening in London, being 10 years old I didn’t really understand or think much of it.

I didn’t go back to school, Mum took me home and my Dad was there it must have been his day off. He was trying to call his friend, Lee, but he couldn’t get through I just remember he kept calling. I still didn’t really understand properly but when Dad took me to get food shopping the next day the above picture was all over the papers, I remember both wanting to look and covering my eyes. My parents told me everyone needed to carry on, when they were kids bombs were going off in London all the time (when the IRA were around) , what had happened was awful but I wasn’t to be scared.

I’ve grown up with the constant reminders of 9/11 but there was something in my heart that made me never want to forget about 7/7. I wanted to keep getting the tube the older I got and not let fear dictate me (even though getting trapped on the underground is one of my worst fears). For the past few days I’ve read about each and every one of the people who were murdered 10 years ago, because they deserve to be remembered. I’ve sat and thought about them a lot today, their families, the people who tried to give them the dignity they deserved in death.

I decided to write a poem for them.

It didn’t seem different, like any other day

Rushing from the house

Can’t be late, can’t be late

London will never be the same.

The trains pull out of stations,

You think about the day ahead,

The pride of the Olympics

Something funny someone said.

But then everything is different,

You can’t see any more.

Everythings so dark, so dark

why are you on the floor.

The hours tick by and London’s awake

Clinging to the news, trying to guess their loved ones fate.

‘Did you hear about the bus?’ No one want’s to say.

It’s been 10 years now since that fateful day,

their hate will not replace the love of Londoners.

We’ll bow our heads in mourning, and remember each and every one.

Not just those who aren’t here today, but those replaying it, coping in their own way.

We will not forget you, or let your London down.

All we can hope is that we do your memory proud.

Image from the BBC

Goodbyes

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I’m writing this post with both a heavy heart and endless excitement. In the next two days two of my best friends will be getting on a plane and heading to New Zealand for a year of exciting adventures and studying! Eleanor and Maisha have bigger lady balls than I ever will and I am so proud of both of them for not only getting on to the programme in the first place but accepting. It seems to strange that come September it will only be me, Dani and Amy heading into our third and final year of our undergrad degree.

I wanted to write this small post just to say how bloody proud I am of them, how much I am going to miss them (words can’t even describe) and that I know for a fact both of them will have the time of their lives out there. I love both of you girls so, so much. Good Luck ❤

99 beautifully useless questions.

It’s time again, I thought, for a silly post. Something fun and light with a few laughs, something I need right now. So here are 99 questions that I found on Macup101, I hope you enjoy.

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
When I was a kid I had to check it then close it. Now I’m older (and sleep in the same room as someone else) I’m generally not bothered.

2:Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
Not really, I haven’t been to any hotels where they were that posh.
3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
They always end up out, messy and wrapped around me.

4:Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
…do people do that? As in that’s actually a thing?

5:Do you like to use post-it notes?
Obsessed. Reminders everywhere.

6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
I don’t cut them out but if I get them I use about half and the other half end up in the bottom of my bag somewhere.

7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
At least a bear would be quick…I’d hope.

8:Do you have freckles?
All over my face, I’ve always been fond of them.

9:Do you always smile for pictures?
Not always, I stick my tongue out quite a lot.

10:What is your biggest pet peeve?
When people file their nails near me, no, no ,no.

11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
Not really, if I wanted to I’d get a little counter.

12:Have you ever peed in the woods?
Nope

13:What about pooped in the woods?
No, what if a squirrel was watching or something bit my butt?

14:Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?
Yes! Especially if something goes well or I do something right.

15:Do you chew your pens and pencils?
Yup, not as much as I used to but it’s definitely there.

number 16 was skipped out, so I’ll make my own

What is something you cherish from childhood?

My teddy bear, if I go somewhere for more than one night most of the time he comes too. Yes I’m 20, no I don’t care.

17:What size is your bed?
Double

18:What is your Song of the week?
Hmmm I’ve had It’s a Hard Knock Life stuck in my head for the past few days…yes the one from Annie. This ORIGINAL.

19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Of course, colours don’t have gender!

20:Do you still watch cartoons?
Of course

21:What’s your least favorite movie?
least favourite? why would I remember that?

22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
That’s for me to know 😉

23:What do you drink with dinner?
Some kind of soft drink, or water.

24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Ketchup or BBQ sauce ofc

25:What is your favorite food?
Chocolate or if you mean ‘proper’ food, pasta 🙂

26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Desparately Seeking Susan

The Devil Wears Prada

Most of the Disney collection

The Fault in Our Stars

27:Last person you kissed/kissed you?
My boyfriend 🙂

28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
I was a Brownie (UK for girl scout)

29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
Yes, I have absolutely no problem with posing nude as long as it’s done tastefully.

30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
I don’t know about letters but I’ve written a lot of thank you notes in the last few months.

31:Can you change the oil on a car?
Of course I can, I’m a driver!

32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Nope

33:Ever ran out of gas?
Nope

34:Favorite kind of sandwich?
Boxing Day (the day after Christmas) Turkey sandwiches

35:Best thing to eat for breakfast?
I don’t have it often but a chocolate pastry

36:What is your usual bedtime?
Around midnight

37:Are you lazy?
I can be, apart from when I’m a work I am definitely a workaholic.

38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
A witch mostly or a vampire.

39:What is your Chinese astrological sign?
Dog.

40:How many languages can you speak?
English, I wish I could learn more but they just don’t seem to stick in my head.

41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Not any more.

42:Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
I don’t know what lincoln logs are but there’s not much that’s better than Lego.

43:Are you stubborn?
Yes. Hell yes.

44:Who is better…Leno or Letterman?
Ellen…that answer was already here and I totally agree

45:Ever watch soap operas?
Yup, catch up on EastEnders every now and again.

46:Are you afraid of heights?

I’m not petrified, but I don’t like them.

47:Do you sing in the car?
In a traffic jam I might as well be considered entertainment.

48:Do you sing in the shower?
That or make important decisions, depends on my mood.

49:Do you dance in the car?
Yes, of course. Who doesn’t?

50:Ever used a gun?
Only a BB Gun. I’d like to shoot a real one at some point just to know how in case I ever needed it (i.e someone was going to try and really hurt me).

51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
Back in March, Awards Ceremony.

52:Do you think musicals are cheesy?
They can be but if you have a good enough story and a good enough piece they can be incredible.

53:Is Christmas stressful?

It’s not too bad for me. I mean of course it’s a bit stressful but I’m not at the point of having to book for anyone or anything like that yet.

54:Ever eat a pierogi?
A what now?

55:Favorite type of fruit pie?
None, I only eat savoury pies.

56:Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Page 3 model, Singer, Actress.

57:Do you believe in ghosts?
I don’t believe in ghosts, but I believe in something.

58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
Yes!

59:Take a vitamin daily?
Nope, super strength twice a week though, gotta love that vitamin D (y).

60:Wear slippers?
Only slipper socks, my feet get way too warm in slippers.

61:Wear a bath robe?
If a dressing gown is the same thing yes.

62:What do you wear to bed?
A pair of ridiculously cute PJs from my collection of them.

63:First concert?
Spice Girls 1999

64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
I’ve only ever been in Wal-mart and it was huge so I’ll go with that.

65:Nike or Adidas?
Nike

66:Cheetos Or Fritos?
Cheetos, but NOT the skinny type.

67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Sunflower seeds, yummy yum yum.

68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
Nope

69:Ever take dance lessons?
Yep Ballet, Tap, Jazz, Modern, Street.

70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

Sound Engineer…because he is one

71:Can you curl your tongue?
Uh huh

72:Ever won a spelling bee?
Nope, don’t have them in the UK, plus my Dyslexic brain would need some SERIOUS training.

73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
Yes and I love that feeling.

74:Own any record albums?
No 😦 I don’t have a record player.

75:Own a record player?
See above

76:Regularly burn incense?
Noooo I used to but I lost a load when I moved to uni.

77:Ever been in love?
Yes and I still am :3

78:Who would you like to see in concert?
Foo Fighters, please come back soon ❤

79:What was the last concert you saw?
Postmodern Jukebox

80:Hot tea or cold tea?
Hot obviously, who the hell drinks cold tea?

81:Tea or coffee?
Tea, always.

82:Sugar or snickerdoodles?
Sugar…I don’t know what a snickerdoodle is.

83:Can you swim well?
Fairly

84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
Yup.

85:Are you patient?
Nope I wish I was.

86:DJ or band, at a wedding?
Both! Band until about 10.30, then a DJ till 1am 🙂

87:Ever won a contest?
A few here and there.

88:Ever have plastic surgery?
Right now no, but I’ll never say never if I was really unhappy with myself.

89:Which are better black or green olives?
Neither, vom.

90:Can you knit or crochet?
No, I kind of wish I knew how though.

91:Best room for a fireplace?
Living room.

92:Do you want to get married?
Yes!

93:If married, how long have you been married?
I’m not 😦

94:Who was your HS crush?
Ali, and I got to keep him 🙂

95:Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
Not in a brat way. I’ll cry and get mad if I really care about something.

96:Do you have kids?
Nope

97:Do you want kids?
Yes!!!!

98:Whats your favorite color?
Aqua blue

99:Do you miss anyone right now?

A little I suppose,

Book Review – How to be a Woman by Caitlin Moran

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Are you ready to laugh? Are you ready to have your mind changed? Are you ready to change your life whilst trying to make sure you don’t pee your pants. Well sit down and grab a copy of How to Be a Woman. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man, a woman, young or old. Moran is both fabulous, funny as well as bloody opinionated. Not only does she tackle the big issues, but the book is full of her own anecdotes that will have you in stitches, while you feel like you’ve known her your whole life.

When this book came out in 2010 I got myself a copy after reading the blurb, thinking it was going to be some kind of history of feminism, only to find a woman ranting and raving about things that really I didn’t understand or really care about at the time. I was only 15 then, but this time around when it came up on a reading list for next year I thought I might as well read it properly this time. I’m pleased to say that having lived through a lot more of the experiences in Moran’s book, I could fully understand and appreciate her honesty and frankness. She doesn’t stand for any BS and says, what I think most of us are actually thinking.

Talking about some of the great feminist minds such as De Beauvoir and Germaine Greer (even if I don’t agree with her myself) and putting a 21st century spin on it. There is no man hating, she doesn’t tell us to burn our bras or never to shave again, if I’m honest she just talks a lot of sense. I started this book not being sure how I felt but after reading I had this overwhelming need to tell people that feminism was important god damn it. That there were normal women who were good examples, not the ones I’ve been shown, that make me happy to say I’m a feminist, a real feminist. I want equality and , like Caitlin, think men are pretty great.

The book follows Caitlin from the age of 13 to 35 and as she calls it this is ‘part memoir, part rant.’ As a young, probably quite impressionable 20 year old, I read this and laughed, smiled and finally breathed. I’m not  the only one who’s had these things happen to her, I’m not the only one who thinks that heels are torturous devices that we all try so hard to wear but no one actually enjoys. That said, I will give warning that the opinions are not tidy, politely written paragraphs, Moran isn’t interested in that. There’s a lot of swearing, masturbating and frankness which I found myself laughing at so hard my boyfriend thought something was wrong with me…oops.  I don’t agree with absolutely everything Moran says or does, 95% I do but theres 5% I don’t and that’s okay because I’m human. So I’d definitely say if you want to laugh, question and celebrate being a woman this book is for you.

So I’m going to give this 5 stars *****, because I really think this is going to go into my ‘books that changed my life’ list that I’ll recommend to almost anyone who will let me. It’s opened up my eyes to so much and I really could not put it down even if I wanted to.

Review by Chloe Metzger

I’m meltinggggggg

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Now I may not be the Wicked Witch, although damn I wish I could be every night in Wicked, but I’m pretty sure I’m melting right now. I know, I know, how British of me a few days and I’m complaining. BUT! I am not someone who wishes for extreme heat, the only time I can hack it is when I’ve paid to go to another country and have access to a pool and preferably some juicy cocktails. Even in that situation I need to be able to sit under some shade.

This morning saw me putting on factor 30 in an effort to keep myself from turning lobster red. All hail the pale kids, we are the warriors in this fight, the sun is definitely not our friend.  My friend phil has decided all he wants for christmas is some melanin …maybe I should put that on my list too. While I love warm weather, enough to go out in jeans and a t-shirt, maybe a cheeky pair of shorts this is more like walking into a sauna complete with lots of nipples in the street (seriously guys put. them. away. I don’t need to see your man nips).

Luckily I found some happiness in the beautifully air conditioned rooms at uni whilst working today. All in all though it’s been a pretty awesome day, despite the heat. I got to do some amazing work for the uni, get some questions answered about dissertation, have a gorgeous frappachino with the amazing Mr Phil Brookes (who also saved me from not having any tea this morning, what.a.babe.), go book shopping again *cough* book haul *cough* and have a catch up with Joe which always makes me smile.

So I’m afraid that is as much creative juice as I can give right now, my brain is turning to mush and my bed is calling me! BUT as always I love to hear from you guys so drop me a comment below with how you’re coping with the heat where you are! And coming up tomorrow a review of Caitlin Moran’s How to be a Woman.

Why I’m not a beauty blogger!

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Hello there!

Today I thought I would talk about beauty blogging and why it’s not happening on this channel. Now I want to start off saying that I admire beauty bloggers for what they do, I know some great ones! So this is not a thing against beauty bloggers they’re great, all done.

Now back to me, why don’t I want to be a beauty blogger you ask? It’s not that I don’t want to it’s that I  have absolutely no idea about it. I’m not really that girly, I don’t know much about make up. While most girls were playing around with make up at school (and telling me I’d look ‘so much better’ with make up…erm thanks? I guess?) I was kind of just applying a lot of eyeliner and hating the world. So the older I got I played around with my Mum’s lipsticks, a lot more eyeliner and that was about it. I acquired some blusher and bronzer at some point later from a christmas present. So I had all these odds and ends, no idea about makeup at all and still couldn’t really apply what I had.

Let’s fast forward to my first year at uni most of the girls around me had whole routines and expensive make up. I just kind of looked on it awe at the girls around me. So off I popped to Boots with a bit of cash expecting to know what to buy, how hard could it be? Oh my god I had no idea at all what to buy. What does any of it mean, matte, shiny what, what?!

Now I’m 20 years old, and I’m slowly getting up there with the big boys. I can kind of do winged eyeliner, cover up the spots that used to make me really sad and I have some to die for MAC lipstick, oh and there’s less eyeliner…much less eyeliner. That said, sometimes I still go out and look a little orange from too much bronzer, I still don’t know what half of the makeup counter does and don’t even start me on contouring….all I see is colouring your face. Sorry!

So there you have it, that’s why I’m not a beauty blogger, I don’t have a clue! That and I’ve never wanted to be someone who feels like they can’t go out without make up? I’ve never wanted to rely on it like that, I want to have the choice. How about you guys? Any other 20 somethings with hardly any make up skills?!