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Mental Health and Christmas

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It’s now less than two weeks until Christmas (how it’s gone that fast I have no idea) and lights are twinkling, presents are being wrapped and there’s excitement everywhere, right? When you’re living with a mental illness you don’t get a Christmas break, I wish you did. While there is no doubt there is a little more joy around Christmas time, it can also bring new pressures and strains for those who have a mental illness, things that are easy to overlook.

On Saturday I attended my first work Christmas Party. While in the car on the way to the venue I realised something, I hadn’t had a panic attack over the event, which was incredible. I’ve been plagued by panic and anxiety attacks for years, having them before any kind of night out became the norm, not having one yesterday was a huge step for me. That said it wasn’t without a feeling of anxiety throughout the evening. Big events with a lot of people are incredibly overwhelming and slightly exhausting, my anxiety peaks and I feel a little lost. Luckily Ali was with me, he knows when I need a little space from an event and we still managed to have a lovely time with my work colleagues.

Christmas can be a really hard time of year. There’s an immense pressure to be happy, upbeat and joyful but it’s a hard time of year to do that. I leave for work before the sun rises, I leave after it sets which means it can be really hard without the natural depression booster (the sun is really important in regards to managing depression). On top of that it’s a really busy time of year full of seeing people so I can quite easily become tired and overwhelmed, two things which can easily make me fall into a low.  There’s also a dollop of guilt in the mix because you’re meant to be happy at Christmas time? It’s meant to be happy and relaxing and lovely right?

It’s hard when you don’t feel that way, when your illness takes over and you just don’t feel happy. When you cry for no reason and just can’t see the excitement. I’ve lived that. I was 16 and in the worse stage of my depression I just kept crying, my Mum got upset, I got upset. I couldn’t get any sense of happiness, it was just a desperate numbness and helplessness. I didn’t know how not to sit and cry. That was honestly one of the worst points in my life. There’s a pain in wanting so desperately  to be happy but your mind refuses to let you.

It’s for this reason I look upon Christmas so fondly and any year that I feel well enough I get so excited. I genuinely feel lucky to have some happiness, because it isn’t guaranteed with this illness. As I’m writing this I am tired and a little overwhelmed but managing enough that I’m looking forward to Christmas. I know some of you might not feel that way though and I wanted to let you know that it’s ok. It’s ok to struggle or feel like you can’t get into the spirit because mental illness is hard and it doesn’t give you time off. Do what you need to do, feel how you need to feel because it won’t always be like this.

Feminist Fridays: Wherever You Will Grow

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When I decided to write this post I didn’t really think about the image I’d display with it. I thought that there would be at least one creative comms picture of a woman with body hair. While trying to find that picture I realised how much posts on this topic were needed. I want you to think about the last time you saw a picture of a woman who grew her body hair.

I want you to think about the last time you saw a picture of a woman who grew her body hair. Now think about where you saw that image. I can almost guarantee it wasn’t in a magazine promoting a product, on a billboard or in the latest film you saw. There might be the odd ad campaign such as H&M’s ‘she’s a lady;, but that’s not the norm. Girls are told as soon as possible to ditch the body hair. Do you remember when you first asked your Mum to wax or shave? Or perhaps you remember the first time it was done to you. I was 12 when I first had my eyebrows waxed and in my first year of secondary school when I started shaving my legs.

I don’t understand the fascination with what other people do with their bodies. Do I personally want to grow out my body hair and dye it crazy colours, no, not at all. I do wonder though whether my aversion to my own body hair is because of this social expectation placed on women, I’ve grown up with it and it’s all I’ve experienced. There is this oddity of a woman who doesn’t shave, who just lets it grow like a man and it’s so strange. Similarly to an extent men who want to get rid of all of their body hair are also judged.

All of this stress, money and shame that comes along with body hair, a natural growing thing, just seems bizarre to me. We’re not all the same, were not matching dolls smooth and hairless. There are so many other things in the world so why are we worried about whether people shave or grow some hair on their bodies?

It makes no sense to me so screw everyone else, do what you want to do with the way your body looks! There’s more to all of us than just some hair follicles and what we choose to do with them.

Feminist Fridays: You’re Not Guilty, Just Hungry

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In the last few days I’ve found myself using negative language in regards to food, when talking about eating a cupcake or getting take out with a friend I’ve been describing eating these things as ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’. I’ve been surrounded by other women talking about a ‘naughty’ slice of cake or hating themselves for not sticking only to fruit. I’ve also noticed that I hardly ever hear men speaking like this. I don’t hear men worrying about getting into a certain outfit for Christmas events.

I don’t know where this came from. Why there’s this idea of naughty food. Actually, that’s a lie, I know exactly where it came from. It came from diets, from women being told that to be beautiful they must look a certain way. Of course, if we’re having a little history lesson here, the concept of beauty changes throughout time. Look at the early 2000s when everyone who was anyone strived to get to a size 0, whereas a hundred years ago being that thin was seen as a sign of poverty, to be bigger was to be more desirable.

With Christmas just around the corner so many of us are denying ourselves the food we want to slip into a dress perhaps. I’ve been told by countless women they’ll buy clothes they know are too small in order to make them lose weight. Now, I’ll make it clear I’m not against anyone looking after themselves and being fit and healthy but I do wonder what impact this will have in the long term. How linking food to behaviour will impact not only us but those around us. By calling a piece of food good or bad will impact us mentally with these feelings of guilt that really don’t belong.

So I’ll say it and I want you to repeat it. I’m not guilty, just hungry. Life is short, while I know we all want to be our best selves eating a muffin while you’re out for coffee with your friends isn’t the end of the world. Buying a dress in your actual size and knowing you’ll be comfortable rather than struggling and feeling self-conscious if it doesn’t fit isn’t a terrible thing.  If you’re hungry, eat. Starving yourself and denying yourself won’t make you happy. You’re beautiful just the way you are.

Book Review: Hello Me, It’s You – Edited by Hannah Todd

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‘Hello Me, it’s You is a collection of letters by young adults aged 17-24 about their experiences with mental health issues. The letters are written to their 16-year-old selves, giving beautifully honest advice, insight and encouragement for all that lays ahead of them.’

When hearing about the premise of this book, I was intrigued. I know that when I was 16 and suffering with a deep depression I felt alone and that no on in the world felt this way, that it wouldn’t get better. I really wish I’d had this book. Each letter is written by a different person telling their younger selves what they wish they had known and what is to come. It was interesting to read, partially because of a lot of the letters written were by people my own age, writing back, it definitely made me think about what I would want to tell to my 16-year-old self.

Each letter was deeply emotional and took a different direction. While some authors felt that they would simply tell their past selves that things get better, others gave advice on what they were going to go through and how to cope or ways they would cope eventually. I think that this is a book to pick up and put down because it can be quite heavy reading. There are a lot of issues discussed, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, general feelings of a lack of self-worth. Of course, these are issues that need to be spoken about, but as someone who has been and currently is going through mental health issues it can be hard to read about these things, so I found myself taking a break here and there. If nothing else this book should remind you that self-care is important.

I will admit there are some point where I wondered if you would really tell your past self just how bad things will get, but I think that really depends on you as a person. Of course, all of this is hypothetical, we know that we can’t go back in time and tell our past selves anything, however, what is incredible about these letters is that it could speak to someone who feels like they are alone. Each and every one of these letters is unique and will be able to speak to young people who are struggling and encourage them to either talk to someone or give comfort that they are not alone.

I gave this book 4 stars. It was a brilliant idea and I think it could help a lot of young people through some really difficult times. More books like this are definitely needed to show people that mental illness does not mean that your life is over. It also doesn’t mean that you need to live in fear, nor do you have to live alone.

Sunday Seven: Adventures at Winchester Christmas Market

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I took a quick trip down to the Winchester Christmas Market today, it’s only half an hours drive and I’ve never been, even though it’s now one of the best in Europe! This Sunday I wanted to share some of the snaps I took today!

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I picked up this adorable little fox! Isn’t she the cutest! This was in the craft section from a company called Original Apple Box and I am in love!

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These were some of the adorable Christmas decorations that were on sale, Abbie gets her Mum a glass ornament from the market every year, there were so many lovely ones on sale.

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I have to admit when I heard there was a fudge hut I was set, I was going to this Market. It didn’t disappoint I was able to bring home Chocolate Raspberry, Chocolate Mint, Chocolate Orange and Vanilla. But, because I’m nice I’m sharing them with Ali instead of devouring them all myself.

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Winchester Cathedral looks really pretty, I’m not religious but it is a beautiful building, I manage to snap a picture of my sister in front of it actually smiling!

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A quick selfie in front of the ice rink with Abs.

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These adorable little tea light holders were so beautiful, the market is full of some really unique things.

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This year is the 10th anniversary of the market and it’s open until just before Christmas! It’s also really close to Winchester town center, if you’re interested in going check the website for all the info!

Feminist Friday: 10 Fab Feminist Quotes

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“Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”
― Sheng Wang 

“We need to reclaim the word ‘feminism’. We need the word ‘feminism’ back real bad. When statistics come in saying that only 29% of American women would describe themselves as feminist – and only 42% of British women – I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What part of ‘liberation for women’ is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? ‘Vogue’ by Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just DRUNK AT THE TIME OF THE SURVEY?” 

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“We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, you can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you would threaten the man. Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors not for jobs or accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.”
― Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, We Should All Be Feminists

“Responsibility to yourself means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and naming for you; it means learning to respect and use your own brains and instincts; hence, grappling with hard work.”
― Adrienne Rich

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“Feminism is not a dirty word. It does not mean you hate men, it does not mean you hate girls that have nice legs and a tan, and it does not mean you are a ‘bitch’ or ‘dyke’; it means you believe in equality.” – Kate Nash 

“Women are leaders everywhere you look — from the CEO who runs a Fortune 500 company to the housewife who raises her children and heads her household. Our country was built by strong women, and we will continue to break down walls and defy stereotypes.” – Nancy Pelosi 

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“For I conclude that the enemy is not lipstick, but guilt itself; we deserve lipstick, if we want it, AND free speech; we deserve to be sexual AND serious – or whatever we please. We are entitled to wear cowboy boots to our own revolution.” – Naomi Wolf 

“Value yourself for what the media doesn’t – your intelligence, your street smarts, your ability to play a kick-ass game of pool, whatever. So long as it’s not just valuing yourself for your ability to look hot in a bikini and be available to men, it’s an improvement.” – Jessica Valenti 

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There’s just as many different kinds of feminism as there are women in the world. -Kathleen Hanna

Feminism is dated? Yes, for privileged women like my daughter and all of us here today, but not for most of our sisters in the rest of the world who are still forced into premature marriage, prostitution, forced labor – they have children that they don’t want or they cannot feed. – Isabel Allende

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The I Love Sleep Tag!

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Lately, I’ve found myself even more in love with sleep. My weekend lie-ins are one of my favourite parts of the week, particularly after getting up at 6.30 every weekday (and that’s the latest it can be *sob*).  So I thought I’d give this a go, partly because it’s fun and partly because my brain has turned into a sleepy mush. I found this over on Dreaming of Spoons, go take a look!

1. What time do you go to bed?
Usually between 10 and 11, got to get some shut eye!

2. What’s your routine before sleeping?
Set out my clothes for the next day, check on my Hamster, go and pee, brush my teeth, set my alarm and curl up.

3. What do you do when you can’t sleep?
Try and tense and then release muscles if I know I need to sleep, if it’s the weekend I might get up and do something.

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4. What is your favourite sleeping position?
On my front, facing the wall.

5. What is something people may wake you up for?
Ali wakes me up on a regular basis to tell me to stop snoring…whoops.

6. What time does your alarm clock go off?
6.30am

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7. Snoozing or getting out of bed immediately?
Normally I just get up, I start work a while before Ali does so I don’t let it keep going as I don’t want to wake him up, top girlfriend award over here!

8. Do you sleep in late on the weekends?
I try to, it doesn’t always work but when I can I’ll let myself have a lie in, particularly in the winter.

9. Are there any strange things you do while sleeping?
According to Ali I chew in my sleep…I have no idea when or how this started.

10. How many pillows are there in your bed?
Four, two for me, two for Ali. Although occasionally I get to steal all of them 😛

11. What do you wear in bed?
Character PJs.

12. Do you sleep with your socks on?
Nope. I like feeling my feet against the sheets.

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13. How big is your bed?
It’s apparently a double but it feels a LOT  smaller than my last one.

14. If I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is…
Switch off my alarm and convince myself to leave the warmth.

15. Do you dream every night?
Not that I can remember.

16. Which dream or nightmare is still in your memory?
I had a nightmare about Smurfs when I was a kid…still don’t trust Smurfs.

17. What’s your biggest dream?

To be happy and successful.

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The 105 Books I’ve Read So Far

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This year I set myself a target of reading 100 books by the end of year, relying on the fact I’d be finishing my degree, would have more time to read and I just wanted to have a fun little goal for myself to see if I could do it. Tonight I checked my Goodreads tracker and it told me that I’d read 105 books! I’m so happy that I’ve reached this goal and wanted to share with you the list of books I’ve read (and that are now in the review queue). Don’t forget I’d love to have more friends on Goodreads so add me! And now, here’s the list…

Spider Gwen vol 1 – Jason Latour

I Never Promised You A Rose Garden – Hannah Green

Fun Home – Alison Bechdel

Late Fragments – Kate Gross

Star Wars: Skywalker Strikes – Jason Aaron

Star Wars – Before the Awakening – Greg Ruka

Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them – J.K Rowling

Why Not Me – Mindy Kaling

The Trial of Captain America – Ed Brubaker

Harley Quinn: Hot in the Summer – Amanda Connor

Captain America: The New Deal – John Ney Rieber

The Namesake – Jhumpa Lahiri

Darth Vader: Shadows and Secrets – Kieron Gillen

Strong Looks Better Naked – Khloé Kardashian

Faceless – Alyssa B Sheinmel

Vader Down – Jason Aaron

Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier

Sex Criminals Volume 2 – Matt Fraction

Hot Feminist – Polly Vernon

Harley Quinn: Power Outage – Amanda Connor

How Hard Can Love Be – Holly Bourne

The Widow – Fiona Barton

Living Dolls – Natasha Walter

Girl Meets Boy – Ali  Smith

The Wicked + The Divine: The Faust Act – Kieron Gillen

Postcards from the Edge – Carrie Fisher

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl – Jesse Andrews

Wonder Woman – Jodi Picoult

The Wicked + The Divine: Fandemonium: Kieron Gillen

Phonogram: The Immaterial Girl – Kieron Gillen

Baboushka – Antony Johnston

Spider-Gwen: Greater Power – Jason Latour

Black Magick: Awakening – Greg Rucka

The Wicked + The Divine: Commercial Suicide – Kieron Gillen

Everyday Sexism – Laura Bates

Chewbacca – Gerry Duggan

Phonogram: Rue Britania – Kieron Gillen

Silk: The Life and Times of Cindy Moon – Robbie Thompson

Light Box – K J Orr

Moranifesto – Caitlin Moran

Phonogram: The Singles Club – Kieron Gillen

Maestra – L.S. Hilton

Sane New World – Ruby Wax

All of the Above – James Dawson

Deadpool kills Deadpool – Cullen Bunn

Deadpool Killustrated – Cullen Bunn

Huck – Mark Millar

Girl Up – Laura Bates

One Breath Away – Heather Gudenkauf

Harley Quinn: Welcome to Metropolis – Karl Kesel

Alex + Ada vol 1 – Jonathan Lunar

#Girlboss – Sophia Amorusa

Alex + Ada vol 2 – Jonathan Lunar

Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe – Cullen Bunn

Alex + Ada vol 3 – Jonathan Lunar

Barbara The Slut and Other People – Lauren Holmes

Wonder – R.J. Palacio

One – Sarah Crossan

Everything Everything – Nicola Yoon

Bloodline – Claudia Gray

I Call Myself a Feminist – Victoria Pepe

Deadpool: Millionaire with a Mouth – Gerry Duggan

Bombshells: Enlisted – Marguerite Bennett

Letters to my Fanny – Cherry Healey

Radio Silence – Alice Oseman

Highly Illogical Behaviour – John Corey Whaley

Archie: The Never Riverdale – Mark Waid

The Vagenda- Holly Baxter and Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett

Sex Criminals vol 3 – Matt Fraction

If I Was Your Girl – Meredith Russo

Obi-Wan and Anakin – Charles Soule

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child – J.K Rowling

Harley Quinn: Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Stab – Amanda Connor

What’s a Girl Gotta Do – Holly Bourne

Baby Doll – Hollie Overton

A Game of Thrones – George R. R. Martin

What I Couldn’t Tell You – Faye Bird

So Sad Today – Melissa Broder

On The Other Side – Carrie Hope Fletcher

Mad Girl – Bryony Gordon

The Perfect Girl – Gilly Macmillan

The Graces – Laure Eve

Short Stories from Hogwarts of Heroism, Hardship and Dangerous Hobbies – J.K. Rowling

Short Stories from Hogwarts of Power, Politics and Pesky Poltergeists – J.K Rowling

Grief is a Thing with Feathers – Max Porter

Hogwarts: An Incomplete and Unreliable Guide – J.K. Rowling

The Girl With The Lower Back Tattoo – Amy Schumer

Spectacles – Sue Perkins

Rad Women Worldwide – Kate Schatz

Milk and Honey – Rupi Kaur

The Girl on The Train – Paula Hawkins

A Boy Made of Blocks – Keith Stuart

Small Great Things – Jodi Picoult

Harley Quinn: A Call to Arms  – Amanda Connor

Where Am I Now? – Mara Wilson

The Wicked + The Divine: Rising Action – Kieron Gillen

When We Collided – Emery Lord

And A Happy New Year? – Holly Bourne

Our Super Adventure – Sarah Graley

The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*** – Sarah Knight

Scarlet Witch: Witches Road – James Robinson

Silk: Sinister – Robbie Thompson

The Girl in the Picture – Alexandra Monir

Belzhar – Meg Wolitzer

What have you been reading and what should I read next?! Let me know in the comments below!

Feminist Fridays: How Girlpower inspired my Feminism

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Today is the 20 year anniversary of the album ‘SPICE’ one that shaped my life. While a lot of people would find it odd that I’m equating the Spice Girls with feminism (particularly after those comments by Geri Halliwell about ‘bra burning lesbians back in 2007), but hear me out. I worshipped the Spice Girls as a little girl, from the age of two I would watch their videos on the TV and beg my Mum to put the tape on again and again. I remember watching them switch the Oxford Street lights on on TV and had the dolls, the clothes and knew the words to every single song. It was more than pop music, because by the time I was five I was shouting Girl Power at just about anyone who would listen.

This morning I drove to work to Spice, listening to songs the reminded me of my childhood and thinking it about what these songs mean to me now and I was surprised. I was gobsmacked at how different these girls were. While I might not have completely understood the lyrics as a little girl, as a grown woman I was proud. Wannabe spoke about friends being more important than boyfriends, 2 become 1 was about safe sex, Love Thing was about women not being interested in a serious relationship and just being themselves, Mama about the connection with their mothers and Who Do You Think You Are about the industry. These weren’t soppy love songs or about women focusing on being sexy and nothing else. As I grew I listened to their other albums and the messages were similar.

I knew that Girl Power meant that I was equal to the boys, I could kick butt. I never felt like I was less than any boy or that I couldn’t do a job because I was a girl. The Spice Girls started that for me, that belief and while I do find Geri’s comments troublesome I understand her resistance to the word. Hell, I was against calling myself a feminist and the label of feminism wasn’t appealing. The interview says:

” OK, concedes Halliwell, maybe she is a feminist: but she has a few distinct caveats. One objection seems to be that she fears feminism will emasculate and demoralise men: but her bigger problem is its image. “It’s about labelling. For me feminism is bra-burning lesbianism. It’s very unglamorous. I’d like to see it rebranded. We need to see a celebration of our femininity and softness.” 

Something which I’m sure a lot of us have felt about portrayals, particularly looking at how feminism was viewed in the 90s.  Either way watching them and listening to their positive messages about what it means to be a girl and rely on each other and I truly think it shaped who I am today and I think they helped a lot of other little girls too.

 

October’s Owlcrate Review and Unboxing

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It’s my favourite time of the moooooonth! Yes, it’s unboxing and this is the only box I’m receiving this month. Owlcrate went with a Fairytale theme this month and I was so excited! Because everyone needs a little magic in their life, right?

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Vassa in the Night by Sarah Porter 

I’d never heard of this book but I’m intrigued by the blurb. I’ve always wanted to read more fairytale retellings, just because there’s so many places you can go with it, there’s also a really interesting class dynamic (that’s the lit geek in me coming out). It’s now on the TBR pile, have a look and see if it’s going to be on yours too!

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Bookmark and Oz Notebook. 

Aren’t these adorable?! I’m always game for a new bookmark (you can never have enough). I loved the notebook too, it’s a cute size that you can just throw in your bag and has a vintage vibe to it. img_1086

Pin Badge and Bookmark 

While I wasn’t that keen on the pin badge I loved the message on the bookmark and I’ll definitely be checking out The New World Series and seeing what it’s all about.

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Sleeping Beauty Bracelet 

This is absolutely adorable and really well crafted. It was a nice surprise and even though I’m not big on jewellery myself it’s definitely peaked my interest in what is to come.

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Peter Pan Hat 

I literally squealed when I saw this. I absolutely love Peter Pan, it’s one of my favourite Disney films (because who doesn’t love Peter Pan?). I’ve been wearing it with pride.

What did you think of this month’s Owlcrate? Let me know in the comments below!