I’m not ready for 2016

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2016 is supposed to be an exciting year for me. Graduation for a lot of people is something to celebrate but with graduation comes a minefield of uncertainty and basically leaving me on the verge of panic attack central. As the days creep closer to the new year I feel like I’m digging my heels in and just saying no, no, no, no.

I’m not feeling happy or confident about graduating. I don’t like not having a plan and knowing what I’m going to do. I don’t know what I’ll graduate with, I don’t know if I can get a job or if I’ll get the one I want, I don’t know if my MA will run or if I’ll be able to afford it. Where will I live? Will I be able to deal with doing my MA and working at the same time? All these questions are running around my head and my anxiety is attacking me like a laser.

I’m hoping I’ll calm down and take it day by day, month by month but you do get asked a lot of questions. Everyone is interested in a kind way but it’s still stressful. Knowing that in a few months people will be coming to view mine and Ali’s home for the past few years and that I’ll have to start boxing things up again…To say that all this makes me emotional is an understatement and this is all probably a lot work because I’m tired and generally emotional at the moment.

It isn’t all doom and gloom. Some nights I think about exciting things and plans I have and ideas for the blog or the book I’ve always wanted to write. I guess it’s all ups and downs. I’ll try and go into 2016 with a day by day attitude because there are going to be a lot of changes coming my way and I am really anxious. I’m hoping I can work on my techniques and keep fighting the anxiety because I really do want to enjoy what I have left of my undergraduate degree and hopefully there will be good things to come in 2016.

 

 

Picture from Pinterest

Sisters – The ride of my life.

I’m struggling tonight. I’m struggling to get what I want to say on to the page, or really to know what I want to say at all. My sister’s gone home and it’s the first time in three days I’ve had time to just sit with my own thoughts and man they’re loud. It’s weird not to have Sum’s here because it’s just so natural to me to have my little sister around.

Every time I spend time with her now I just marvel at the person she is. I can’t be more proud of the kid, well she’s not a kid any more exactly. She’s smart, funny and just an awesome person that I’m so incredibly blessed to have in my life. I always get a little sad when we’re apart because I had this big thing when I went to uni, I was scared of not being around for her. Basically I didn’t want her to have the same troubles and make the same mistakes I did. She doesn’t and she hasn’t and I’m so grateful. In the hardest of times it was my sister that got me through, I could never have let her down, I don’t know if she knows that. At the same time she NEVER has to be perfect or pretend to be, she’s pretty awesome just the way she is.

She also reminded me that I’m not her age any more. I’m about to go into my third year at uni and that is more than a little bit terrifying. I’m finally going into this big unknown. What am I going to do for a job? Am I going to still want to do my PhD? Will I get the funding I need? Or will I just jump into something completely different? Will the band take off and I finally get to perform for a living?

Her excited voice and endless amounts of energy have shushed the worries for a little while but I know they’re there. I know that I’m heading towards the unknown and old enough to admit that it’s both overwhelmingly terrifying and incredibly exciting. I can plan as much as I like but I have no idea what’s going to happen. All I know is that my sister’s going to be coming along for the ride and she’s an awesome person to take along.