How is my Mental Health right now?

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As I write this, I realise I haven’t really been writing about myself and mental health, not for a while! We’ve gotten to September already and while we’ve still got 3 months of this year left, it feels like 2017 has just been a bit of battering for me and my old mind. Actually, if I’m honest since my accident in 2015 it’s been a bit of a struggle but in terms of this year, how about a bit of an update?

Back in April, I lost my job as most of my regular readers know. At the time it was the worst thing what could have happened in my mind. My depression became unbearable and after 5 and a half months at the company where I was incredibly unhappy and then being let go out of the blue meant that my confidence was shot to pieces. Even when I had a job offer for temporary work I was in a constant anxious state that I wasn’t good enough, that I’d be let go again and I was just an awful human being.

After applying for job after job while temping and not getting jobs, I decided I’d had enough. I was sleeping better at this point and not doing the long drive, so, mentally I was better than I had been since the year before, yeah that long. In my mind, a job was a job and you didn’t leave no matter how much you hated it (this is the worst thing I could have thought). This time I wanted to work for a company permanently that I enjoyed, in a great atmosphere and not too far a commute. So I did what I needed to do I researched and I called around, which eventually meant getting my current job that I love.

In all of this I felt like, mentally, I was on a tight rope. I needed something to come through, to prove to my ‘Mind Goblin’ wrong, that I wasn’t awful and I wasn’t useless and I could do a good job. I was right, the Mind Goblin was wrong. That was that, everything was going to be great. So I got the job, I went on holiday. I forgot to take my medication in the sunshine and had a drop on holiday, but within a day or so I was back on form.

The last 2 months of my job have been incredible, overwhelming and a boost. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still had anxiety attacks, I’ve still had the usual good days and bad days because that’s a part of my life and a part of my condition. Being more content doesn’t mean it disappears or that the ‘Mind Goblin’ doesn’t appear sometimes trying to take over my mind. I’m not writing this to tell you I’m fine and perfect but I’m taking it day by day. Which is all anyone who lives with a mental health condition can do.

As I write this I’m experiencing my first time as a ‘Tour Wife’ while Ali goes across the country with work. It comes with its own challenges, mostly loneliness and not having anyone to talk to when my Mind Goblin creeps out and I have to fight him away on my own. Or maybe not on my own. I’m lucky to have some wonderful friends, family and a great set of colleagues to chat to and to have for company.

Basically, it’s been good, bad and ugly but I’m getting there.

Spine Update: 15 weeks in

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Now and a few weeks ago

So here we are, it’s been 15 weeks since my accident and 13 since I found out that the pain was actually a compression fracture and severe bruising on my spine. Ouch. After a stack of doctors appointments, tears, physio and recently having tiny needles stuck in me in what they call acupuncture. It’s been 15 long weeks and I’m still not really anywhere near the end.

I’m still taking pain meds, still in pain and not able to walk far and walking isn’t a good idea either. It sounds like a lot of negatives but I’m not completely bummed out, I’ve realised that there really are some amazingly supportive people around me and I really am happy. I don’t know if I’ll go back to riding, it really depends on what the surgeon says, I’m more focused on making sure I don’t do any more damage to my spine. Nothing is worth the pain and nearly losing the ability to walk.

I just wanted to write this post as a little update for all of you who asked after me and tried to cheer me up or sent me bits and pieces. I’ll keep posting updates when I hear something, I have pain clinic at the end of the month and hopefully I’ll be seeing the Neurosurgeon sooner rather than later (although they’ve been really messing up with it and I feel quite let down). I’m also still trying to do a little physio and any fitness I can, I really hope that changes soon.

Thank you again to everyone, I really couldn’t have done it without you all.

A few days of hibernation

Being completely well for over a month is a little suspicious to me, aside from the lows which are going to happen anyway, I’ve been well. So roll up, roll up let’s see what is going to take a whack at my immune system today! I’m kidding, I’ve been enjoying feeling healthy but the last few days have knocked me for six! I slept for 17 hours yesterday. 17 hours! 

My blog has been quiet, my Twitter and my Facebook. I felt absolutely awful for the past few days and was barely able to get out of bed, let alone write for you all. I was frustrated in the few times I was awake but as my Mum said, my body must have needed the rest if I just passed out the way I did only waking up for a drink of water and then falling asleep again. 

I’m slowly, but surely, on the mend and getting prepared for a very busy week as the festival is only 6 days away! I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet, I’ll be livening up soon enough! 

Updating the blog and thank you

Those of you who follow my twitter may have seen an explosion of blog posts dated a while ago come up. I’m not advertising just clearing my backlog of blogs I didn’t post, didn’t finish etc. The next week or so I will be doing this but also posting my regular posts with pictures and my musings like this one. 

I wanted to use this post to say thank you to you all as well. My followers have gone crazy and in less than a year I nearly have 100 followers which means the world to me and gives me so much confidence in my writing when others in the field haven’t been so supportive. It’s a great feeling when people say I don’t have good writing skills I can pull this up and go well these guys don’t think so! My writing is always improving and scrolling back to September I can see the change regular writing has achieved. I hope to carry on and have an incredible second year for you all to read about. If you want something new I post a new book review every Sunday night at http://www.ihadtobuyanotherbookcas.wordpress.com please take a look if you want!

 

Thank you so, so much

 

Chloe