The world and my mind

This will only be a short post. Yesterday I didn’t write, I slept until 1pm and spent the rest of the day switching the news on and off every other hour to see updates of the situation in Paris, reading about other events that caused destruction in the world and trying to distract myself with tv shows and work I had to do.When something like this happens you realise that you need happiness in your life, you need to appreciate the little things, because if the attacks on public places in Paris taught us anything it’s that no one knows what’s going to happen day to day.

It’s been no secret that I’ve been struggling for the last 6 months or so and while I was upset about Paris there were other things that were bothering me. Things that, while they might not mean a lot to anyone else, meant a lot to me and I was having lows. That said I felt like I couldn’t speak about how I felt because there was so much suffering in the world and while normally I’d spend the weekend or any time alone I had working through things, what has been happening meant I felt uncomfortable to even think about.

Today I got to see my mental health team and they understood what I wanted to say and why I didn’t feel I could say it. Those old words ‘everyone is fighting their own battle’ is true and I could finally talk without feeling like the most selfish and self absorbed person ever. I cried tears for the people lost across the world over the weekend but for today I needed to focus on myself again.

I made some important decisions today and while I don’t feel that I can talk about them on here yet, I hope that in the near future I can write about them. I never expected something that didn’t even happen to me to have such a big effect on me, if that makes sense. What’s been going on has just reinforced that life’s too short to spend it unhappy, especially for someone who cannot always have happiness.

I hope this blog made some kind of sense and I promise it will all be more coherent when I’ve had a proper night’s sleep.

Night guys, stay safe.

A quarter life crisis (five years early) – growing up, meltdowns and questions.

Sometimes I am sure that I’m actually still a sixteen year old trapped in a twenty year olds body. It’s my annual crisis, you know the one I mean don’t you? The whole, what am I doing with my life, am I behind? Look at what my friends are doing while I’m stuck at home. Yup all that came today. I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, the pictures of people’s kids, engagement rings and weddings make me break out into a cold sweat, I don’t feel ready for this stuff!

I get so worried about what I should be doing that I freak out. Never mind the fact that I’m not keen on having a small person around right now, would probably burst out laughing if I got proposed to and am too broke/ addicted to expensive things to get married. Yup, that pile of books get in my amazon cart, a sale on handbags well it would be rude not to look and as for Topshop? Well I’m like a bloody magpie.

So I sat this afternoon, like many hormonal girls before me, in my PJs, my hair atrocious with chocolate in one hand and a coming of age book in the other (book of choice this time Caitlin Moran’s How to be a Woman) sobbing my little heart out. I had a bit of a fit at Ali, locked myself in the bedroom and let it all out. I cried because I don’t feel like a grown up, I have no idea whatsoever about grown up things like marriage and mortgages and I don’t have a life plan. Yup, yup, yup feeling sorry for myself and a little bit of self indulgence.

I get told that it’s perfectly normal to have days where you completely lose your shit and feel like a child again. There are days when I want to crawl up into my Mum’s lap and let her tell me it’s going to be ok. Well, nowadays I have to settle with cuddling up to Ali while he does the same thing and assures me that doing badly on that one assignment will not balls up my entire life or a phone call to my Mum about what job I’m going to go into.

You can probably guess that I’ve calmed down now, had some good old comfort food and vented to my Mum. I guess I’m writing because it should be something we can talk to each other about, all us 20 somethings who really feel like everyone else has their shit together and you’re clutching at straws. So I’m allowed to feel a little lost and scared that two of my best friends are moving across the world and another is getting a real proper job with proper (not student loan) money. I’m allowed to get a little freaked out that it’s my last year of undergrad and the next few years are going to be grown up and scary because, well, that’s what you’re 20s are for right?

So I’m sorry to everyone who’s waiting for any big announcements from me, I’m still in Little Mermaid Pjs (thank you Primark) and working out how to be a woman in the first place. Basically, I’m just being a 20 year old student who doesn’t have a clue.

The Fault in Our Stars

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My fan screening pass 

I’ve waited for well over a year for one of my favourite novels to be made into a film. Now I’m normally very untrustworthy of books being made into films, it’s rare I’ll like a book as much as a film. I haven’t just been pleasantly surprised tonight, I’m excited and I’m heartbroken and that’s just how I wanted to feel after seeing this film.

I am incredibly privileged to have been able to see this movie and a staff Q & A as a part of the fan screening along with a poster and the fan screening pass in the picture above. I went with my friend Rhys another huge John Green fan. Oh and a load of pre teen girls…. I think we were the oldest there who weren’t parents.

Every part of this film was done perfectly, the music, the actors, the writing absolutely everything.  I couldn’t have asked as a fan for a better film adaptation. I can’t rant and rave about it enough and I can’t wait to go and see it again. One tip though? Don’t wear any eye make up there is one point the film where everyone and I mean everyone had tears in their eyes or was openly crying.

Read the book, watch the film and just enjoy John Green’s incredible talent.