Livin' The Vida Lockdown: Day Ten - Getting Into Routine...Kinda

Livin’ The Vida Lockdown: Day Ten – Getting Into Routine…Kinda

Well people we’ve made it through a week and a half of the first part of the UK Lockdown and I think I’m getting into some kind or routine or a new normal at least.

This morning felt a little easier, there was no magical change and I haven’t suddenly fallen in love with not leaving my home or seeing a real life human being, but it was okay. I might have slept terribly but I got up and felt more normal.

For the first time in I don’t know how long I was able to get up, drink my tea and catch up on some YouTube without feeling the panic and dread. I managed to do some bits around the house, shower, wear real clothes, get some ideas down and crack on with work.

It might not sound like a huge deal, maybe to some it isn’t but adjusting isn’t going to be easy. Every day that I can have some kind of control over my life and the little bit I can still do by myself and for myself. For the last few weeks my anxiety had gotten to such a level that I haven’t felt like myself at or, or like I have any way to make myself better.

I got frustrated this evening when I did feel that wave of sadness and hopelessness hit. I did cry and want to crawl into bed for a few hours. You know what I did? I let myself have some time to get the emotions out, I talked to Ali and some of my friends about my anxieties about going outside…and it was still progress.

As each day continues, I’m hoping I can have a little more structure. I’ve still got an alarm set for weekdays that I try and stick to and have a rough to-do list written down. It’s not ‘normal’ and so long as this virus is around it won’t be but finding some day to day routine has to help.

Are you getting into any kind of new routine? I’d love to hear about it! Let me know below or tweet me on @chloemetzger!

Back to the Routine

6a00d8341db40553ef014e8c0cb63b970d-320wi

When you’re in a depressed cycle, getting back into routine after a string of bad days can feel like a mammoth task. This morning I wanted to go back to bed as soon as I woke up, I didn’t want to face going to uni, being around people and facing up to my responsibilities now I’m back from being sick. Urgh. My mentor said she was really proud of me for trying to get back into the swing of things, even though I felt so overwhelmed this morning and just wanted to pull the duvet over my head and cry. From being sick and my body being so exhausted I’d fallen into my depression again and it wanted to pull me down and strangle me.

For someone who doesn’t know much about living with depression and anxiety it might seem like I’m being melodramatic or a giant clichรฉ and I hate that. I hate that there is this sense that I have to defend myself when I’m feeling back enough, so I’ve stopped. I’ve decided to be honest with people and then just see how things go because, frankly, I’m exhausted. I can’t use my energy trying to make myself feel better because other people don’t or don’t want to understand. I’m lucky that I have got a lot of people around me who do support me when I’m struggling, but that doesn’t stop me feeling alone sometimes.

It’s going to be harder to keep routine now that most of my classes have ended and it might not be as strict, but being down has reminded me how important it is. I know that I have some big challenges for me in terms of my illness coming up, I’m going to have to deal with a lot of uncertainty and a lot of change. Am I scared? Absolutely. It’s like my own personal nightmare, leaving somewhere I’ve laid down roots, become the person I wanted to be and feel safe. No one here knows the old me and the way I used to be, the thought of returning to a town where a lot of people know the old me is terrifying, because I don’t want to go back to being that sad and terrified young girl I was. So I’m trying to learn now, get a toolbox of things that make me feel better and the knowledge I need to be able to fight my fears head on and getting back into routine is just the start.