Muddled Millennial_ The Beginning

Muddled Millennial – The Beginning

As I write this, I am sitting in Cookie Monster Pyjamas, with a doughnut pillow behind my head and an existential crisis brewing in my head. Welcome to my ongoing mid-twenties crisis. Take a seat.

I’d been toying around with writing a few blogs about being a millennial, because everyone seems to think we’re terrible and um, I think we’re kinda okay. Maybe not all of us, but for the most part. I kept putting off writing it because, well, I was procrastinating. It’s as simple as that.

The logical part of my brain is telling me I need to calm down, it will all be fine I am not the only one. Plus, when I googled quarter life crisis there was a HELL of a lot of people feeling the same. So I thought I’d do what any self-respecting millennial with a blog would do, write about it. Standard.

So, you know the crushing panic that comes with being in your mid-twenties? You do? Awesome we’re on the same page. I’m in this weird part of my life where my friends think I have my shit together, I think they do but really we’re all muddling along.

I’m watching my feeds fill up with ‘I said yes!’, baby posts, new jobs, amazing holidays and here I sit, in my pyjamas. The thing is I don’t have a bad life, in fact, I’m fortunate. I have a wonderful partner, a nice home, family and I’m working for myself – so why do I feel so stressed?

When we were kids we thought we’d have everything sorted by 25. I thought I’d have a mortgage, be married with a kid. Have I done any of these things? Nope, not one. I have done cool things – but sometimes even that feels like it’s not enough.

So, this is a kind of muddled, messy introduction to my latest series where I’m going to spill the tea about being a millennial and hopefully get some of you to as well!

Are you also a muddled millennial? Let me know in the comments below!

 

Blogmas Day 24: A Christmas Message

I may not be the Queen, but I’m still going to give a Christmas message. Fun fact my Dad always watches the Christmas Speech, every year 3pm usually while we’re eating. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Tomorrow is Christmas day. At the time I’ve posted this I’ll be in my PJs, watching a Santa tracker online and feeling very weird about the fact that it is the first year Ali and I are in our own home for Christmas Eve. It’s so weird.

Christmas, we are told, is a time for joy and happiness and family. For many of us, it is all these things. But what if it’s not? Some people have to go to work on Christmas, some are alone, some are dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. This is the thing, just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean life stops, I wish it did.

So, I’m just putting it out there Christmas doesn’t need to be perfect. If, for you, this Christmas has to be just another day then so be it. We put so much pressure on ourselves all the time and it sucks! I’ve been really poorly at Christmas before and the pressure made it worse.

Really, what I’m trying to say is make Christmas what you want or can make it. We don’t all need to have the same day, the same time.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays or, simply, I hope you have a good day.

 

Spine Issues

I thought I was done crying over my spine, I guess not. Today has not been a great day in terms of my spine, what started as just sadness and anger turned into almost being quickly taken into hospital to be hooked up to pain relief. I honestly thought that with the physio, gym sessions and other things I was on the mend, although I was still in pain I thought the excruciating part of it was gone but it’s very much alive in muscle spasms. While I’m on a lot of painkillers, I’m on nothing for my muscle spasms and currently my back and all around my hip is rock hard because of it.

I’ve had to pull out of a show again tonight which I hate, I hate letting anyone down and I hate not being able to perform, possibly the worst part of recovery. I’m miserable with not being able to easily play shows. I thought this part was over, I hoped this was a thing of the past. I was getting ready, about to go load up the car when simply walking around the flat I felt a sharp pain and that was it I was out. The pain was awful, Ali and I tried to wait it out, resting and then trying to walk again but I couldn’t. I was in agony, limping heavily and sobbing. I wasn’t going anywhere tonight. That started about 4 and a half hours ago, I’m still in pain but it feels more manageable now.

On Monday, I finally made the decision to leave the Horse Riding society after talking to my mental health mentor. I really wasn’t coping mentally or physically very well and the society was what was stressing me out most, I had to let the members know today and I am not ashamed to say I cried after posting:

Hello Everyone,

I’m writing this with deep sadness. As most of you will know I was in an accident earlier in the year, breaking my spine. I’ve still got nearly 2 years of recovery time and will probably never ride again. While I’ve loved being a part of the society and your president lately my mental health has deteriorated along with more struggles and nerve damage due to my injury. It is because of this my medical team have said that it would be best for me to step down as soon as possible. Thank you to everyone who rode with me, made me smile and was a friend. I will always love this society and hope that I can still be a friend. I have handed in my notice meaning we are looking for a new president asap and I leave you in the capable hands of Daniela and Amy, while Amanda will be back from leave when she can (please contact them in relation to any questions, queries, rides).

Thank you so much for everything.

Chloe

A lot of people commented saying they were sad to see me go, to say thank you and a lot of people to say that I was brave. I still don’t think I fully understand why I’m brave? Because I was honest about the reasons? Because I stepped down to look after myself? I certainly don’t feel brave. I worry I’m letting everyone down, that if anything happens to the society it will be my fault. I worry I’ll lose friends. Now it’s done though and I really need to focus on my studies and try to remember my time with happiness, not tears.

 

10407210_10153613102758206_918236493107446324_nHappier times at the society

I still have a long way to go with my spine and tonight’s reminded me of that. I’m so lucky to have so many amazing people around me caring for me and helping me carry on going forward when times are hard. I don’t know what the future holds in terms of recovery, I’ve been told around 2 years for successful recovery but I’m not holding on to that as a solid date, after all when it first happened I was told I had a 6 week recovery, laughable now. Almost 7 months down and who knows how many to go but I will keep going, I’ll just need a little help along the way.

This is my body

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I’ve been thinking about my body a lot lately. Over the last 7 months I’ve seen it change and adapt so that it can heal, I’ve felt it slow down and been crippled by pain, I’ve seen it expand in the mirror. To say that I’ve been upset about it would be an understatement, combined it wrecked my confidence. How could I be seen with my stunning friends when my skin was marked by the way it had to stretch? How could I pretend to not see when guys would look at them and look past me being the chubby one. It made me angry because I never used to care so why did I now?

Tomorrow I start the gym for my physio sessions, which is a huge part of my recovery. It’s taken 7 long months of small stretches and exercises, acupuncture and pain. While watching Caitlin Moran last night (this is the video that inspired me) I had a realisation. While she stood up and showed her stomach off to the huge crowd and just went this is me I had a feeling burst inside me. She doesn’t give a shit, so why should I? Why should I get teary because I put on weight while my body was you know putting one of the most important bones in my body back together.

So here is the scary bit…this is my belly, something that caused me a lot of upset over the years…

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There you go, that’s it my tum after a lot of healing. I don’t know, looking at it why I get so freaked out and angry at myself. I look at these pictures and think to myself I really like my curves and it’s just what it is. I’m not going into that gym to boast on Instagram and Twitter about how healthy I am, about my fabulous weight loss (if that happens). I’m going to the gym to continue to fix my body after trauma, to build muscle back where it’s gone. If I lose some fat, that’s fine but I’ve decided that it’s no longer my aim.

I don’t want to get into that dangerous territory where I start getting controlling over what I eat again. I know how dangerous that can be especially when you’re already trying to get through depression because you start hating and taking out your sadness on your body. Been there, done that.

I’m fully aware that this post might get some negative responses, that I’m fat, I’m ugly. Whatever. If this makes one person feel better about their body, male or female, then I’m pleased I wrote this. I’m going to try my hardest not to let my body let me down yes I’m bigger than I was and covered in stretch makes but you know what putting a spine back together makes my body pretty cool.

This is my body and I’m proud of it, fuck what anyone else thinks and I hope you can feel that way too.

Milestones

I’ve been thinking lately about milestones. I don’t know what it was exactly but I’m guessing it’s a combination of turning 21 (which I don’t understand why it’s a big deal in the UK), seeing more and more of the people I went to school with having children and getting engaged and a lot of my other friends graduating, starting careers and all that jazz. To put it simply milestones freak me out, I’m sure they do for most people. You’re supposed to do this, do that at a certain age, a certain time. For girls there’s a choice between being a mother and being a career woman, because we’re told we can’t have it all.

In some ways I’m lucky, I found the love of my life when I was 13 years old and we live together. Now we’re more than happy together, we’re both doing degrees we love and have careers that we want, but for everyone else it’s not enough. Everyone asks me when we’ll get married, when we’ll have a baby (never if). I just feel a bit stuck and part of that is because I am a woman. Ali NEVER gets asked when he’ll be a father, he’s asked about his job and what he’s going to do for work, it’s all pretty frustrating. I know that I’m an intelligent woman and I have big aspirations, so why do people ask about these ‘traditional’ things.

I’m in no way saying that people my age shouldn’t be married or have children, most of the women in my family had babies by the time they were my age and they’ve all taught me so much. My best friend became a mother at 17 and she’s one of the most awesome ones I know.The thing is my dream right now is walking across that stage to pick up my degree, being able to treat myself with money I’ve earnt and being happy. I will have children, I’d love to be a mum at some point but I wish people would understand there is so much more to me than the fact I can grow a human. I liked this picture below, it definitely made me smile.

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This isn’t an anti-children post, which is how some will read it, it’s just a frustration that sometimes I’m judged by these milestones when I have other amazing things going on. I hate that I have to think about body clocks and all that crap when I’m trying to plan things out about where I want to be in my life, because I’ve been bombarded with media listing risks and problems. Like I said why am I even thinking about this as a twenty year old!

I appreciate that this post might not make much sense, I don’t even know if it does to me, but I can’t be the only one who feels like this. Who knows how I’ll feel in a month, a year or ten but I just want it to be on my own terms, not because of supposed milestones and other people’s ideas of what happiness is.

5 Confessions of all workaholics and how to beat them!

Workaholic is a word that sums me up whether I like it or not, be it in my job, my course, my hobbies I work damn hard and sometimes forget that I’m not supposed to be working 24/7, non stop. I notice this more when I get told to stop tidying and just sit down doing something I like rather than cleaning or organising or doing extra reading. So I decided to write another one of those lovely lists but, well, a helpful one (I hope).

1. I over organise.

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No word of a lie my calendar is always jam packed, when it isn’t I feel a little odd. I try and over schedule my entire life. So after having something on every single night of the week ( any paying for it a little bit), I realised that this is one of my workaholic traits.

How I beat it: 

Making sure that if I’m planning everything I leave myself time to relax or do what I want. Of course right now with my spine I don’t have much of a choice, but I have learnt the value of rest. If you know you’re going to be busy make sure you also have some relaxation time planned too, even an hour or two. Trust me it’ll make you happier and healthier!

2.  I put a lot of pressure on myself! 

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I am a perfectionist. In uni, in work and in a lot of other things. Now I don’t have a pushy family, they’re happy when I’m happy. It’s me who puts pressure on myself to be the best of the best, get constant firsts and good results at work. Although it’s good to aim high, sometimes it’s absolutely exhausting!

How I beat it: 

This is possibly one of the hardest things to beat. It’s taking me a long time to accept that I don’t have to be perfect all the time, that getting a 66 instead of a 70 isn’t terrible. That not working every single shift at work doesn’t make me a bad worker. This goes hand in hand with planning me time so that I can accept and be happy with who I am.

3. I drive my friends/family/boyfriend crazy with things that aren’t happening for months.

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‘But these books have to be read in the next 6 months’- really NOT an issue

How I beat it: It’s good to have a plan but now I have a laptop I focus on the month ahead, not 6 months ahead and try and take it a little bit at a time without worrying about things to come. I write a to do list for the week and focus on that instead of whats happening in 3 weeks time.

4. Not sleeping enough 

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Not having enough time to sleep is a bad move! It will effect my mood, my appetite, the way I am around other people. All in all a lack of sleep is one of the worst things for me.

How I beat it: PRIORITISE! Make sure I know what needs to be done and what can wait until the next day. Also asking for help doesn’t show weakness it shows strength. When I really can’t cope and know in advance there is usually the option for an extension at uni and my bosses are there to talk to if I’m struggling and need support.

5. Not eating properly

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This happens to a lot of people I know. Personally I get so into a project or piece of work that I keep going and going until I physically have to stop. One of my first open days for work, I kept putting off my lunch break because I was enjoying the day so much one of the older girls pulled me aside and reminded me I needed to eat, no matter how exciting this all is.

How I beat it: If you’re in an office, make lunch plans with someone else in the office. If you’re at home maybe set an alarm on your phone. I’m the worst at forgetting to eat if I’m absorbed in something but these usually work! Another thing is have regular smaller snacks, sunflower seeds are one of my favourites or a good old chocolate bar. Remember your body is your machine! Treat it well because you’re going to need it to succeed in whatever you want to do!

As always I love to hear from you guys! So fellow workaholics, what are your confessions and have you found a way to stop/get around them? Let me know!