Book Review: Am I Normal Yet – Holly Bourne

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All Evie wants is to be normal. She’s almost off her meds and at a new college where no one knows her as the girl-who-went-crazy.

Evie’s been the ‘crazy girl’ throughout school when her OCD took hold of her and everyone viewed as that and that alone. Now she has a fresh start she’s under control, apart from her annoying therapist, no one knows about her past so now she wants to be normal. The thing is normal isn’t as easy as it looks she needs to find some friends, find a boyfriend and have absolutely no one find out. Oh and getting rid of the medication is a good deal too.

This is the second of Holly’s novels that I’ve ready and she solidified her place in my top 5 authors of all time. There is no doubt that Holly can write but the most amazing thing is that she can make the mind of a teenager come alive on the pages. Am I Normal Yet is different though because it also raises awareness of what it’s really like to live with a mental health condition as a young person right now.

Speaking as someone who has been through mental health and is still going through it now I think that Evie’s fears and anxieties are real. I don’t have OCD but there are a lot of overlapping fears, especially when you start somewhere new. Do I tell my new friends? How will they react? Why am I on these meds? I hate my meds. What’s the point of all this? Am I crazy? Am I doing enough normal things? The list goes on and on. Bourne captures this perfectly. She also makes it clear

The medication debate is a big one too and I’m really pleased at it is finally in literature for young adults. Medication is a strongly debated subject specifically in regards to young people, it seems that everyone has an opinion on this and they don’t really understand. Medication is a very personal choice for some people it works, for some people it doesn’t I’ve met people on both sides. It’s sad that people are made to feel like they are somehow ‘fake’ if they take medication to help stabilize their illness, you wouldn’t ask a diabetic to stop taking their insulin.

There was also something unexpected in the novel too, it talks about feminism in a totally unapologetic way the girls aren’t just going out of their way to meet boys or talk about boys. In fact that’s even a point in the novel they swear to have conversations that don’t even mention boys. It’s actually pretty refreshing, of course relationships feature but they’re not the absolute only thing.

Of course I’m giving this novel five stars *****. Bourne is one of my favourite authors for a reason and I think I love Am I Normal Yet more than I did The Manifesto on how to be Interesting (check out that review too if you like the sound of Holly, she won’t dissapoint). Holly has a third book that I am yet to read which was her debut called Soulmates, so I’ll be reading and reviewing that soon too. As always well done Holly another fantastic novel.

Mental illness isn’t easy

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Up and down, up and down. Mental illness isn’t something easy to live with and as a uni student sometimes you get pressures that other people aren’t used to. I’ve been open and honest in the last three years on this blog about my life living with mental health issues. I’ve given speeches and I’ve tried to educate the people around me about illnesses. Despite all that I’m no superhero and I feel like that’s something I need to share because of course we post the most positive and best parts of our lives, but it’s not always real.

While I’m really happy to be back at uni and feel happiest when I’m in my lectures focusing and getting new ideas, when I’m on breaks I’m not as happy the depression creeps up and grabs me. I wish I could go I’m fine I’m great I never get depressed any more but that would be a lie. It is an illness and it is something I live with. I’ve found this week difficult, getting back into routine, dealing with the constant pain in my spine, trying to do the horse riding society, sorting band stuff out when shows are cancelled and organising everything else as well as doing my uni work and my job. It is a lot and I do get overwhelmed.

I guess the point of writing this is because I don’t want to seem like this person who has no worries, no troubles. I do struggle and I do have days where I just can’t face anything, need to switch my phone off and try and make my head stop spinning, usually by sleeping it off. I have days when I just feel like I can’t do anything or I’m angry because why the hell do I deserve this. At the same time though I’ve always said that having this illness really makes me appreciate happiness.

I don’t want people to freak out after reading this and call and text, this is part of my normal life. Just because I am open about it doesn’t mean that things are getting worse, there are times when I need my own time or I need time away but I’m dealing with my struggles in a much healthier way than I used to. I’ve lost horse riding but I’m playing with some other things and if all else fails I have my music.

I want to end this by saying don’t be afraid of admitting you have low days and that you’re not perfect. Having a mental illness doesn’t make you weak or stupid, it’s just something some of us have to deal with. As always I’m eternally grateful to the family, friends and incredible partner I have helping me through my fuzzy head days.

As always I love to hear from you guys and if you’d like to share your story feel free to email me chloefmetzger@gmail.com

Being a ‘Game Changer’

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This is the face of someone who is considered a ‘game changer’. No it’s not a title that I’ve given myself, someone else actually thought I was pretty cool. I received an email a while ago asking if I’d be part of a 3rd year project on successful students at Kingston. I’ll be honest I thought it was a wind up at first, I don’t see myself as some really successful person, I just do what I need to do and work hard.

Apparently my shortlisting at the KU Talent awards last year was interesting enough. So I sat in a studio today (with the most horrendous cold) and spoke about my experiences and advice to other students. It was fun as well as a bit strange.

Sometimes I get really embarrassed as well as proud of what I’ve achieved. I’ve never felt like I’m better than other people or something extraordinary, I just get on with my work and that’s that really. I love what I do for the most part so that makes it easier. That said I’ve dealt with jealousy since I was little and it’s still something I really don’t get. I’m just me, I’m a sort of normal 20 year old, who struggles just as much as anyone else.

I’m really pleased that I got picked for the project and it was nice thing to do but I’m just me! Promise!

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“If you’re always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”- Maya Angelou

Today the world lost an incredible woman. Writer, Activist and Survivor you can be sure that Maya Angelou will be remembered by thousands around the globe for her fight for equality. As all of the quotes came exploding over the internet this one in particular caught my eye. I had read one of her books for a project I did in college about African American women, once it got to 8000 words I had to stop but I so, so wish I could have researched this incredible woman more.

This quote really hits home with me personally. I write a lot about my experience and I feel like this speaks to me, especially when I’m not feeling that great. There is a huge pressure to be ‘normal’ and most of the time I feel like I’m not. I don’t like going out clubbing, I’m one of the few people who aren’t majorly involved with a club or society and I’m not a huge fan of halls. I tried changing the way I dressed to please people on my courses, I tried drinking more than I was comfortable with and sometimes just tried to change being myself.

So I’m going try just being me and seeing how that goes. So thank you Maya Angelou for your words and wisdom and may you rest in peace.

Feeling like me again.

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Bekks and I in the studio in one of my hyperactive moments while Ali was hard at work.

Today was a day where I finally went ‘back to work’. Ok so it isn’t a paid job and I don’t have to do it but still. I finally went back into the studio to start recording No People Clubs EP!!! It was long, tiring and meant that I had to deal with a lot of emotions but I feel so much better after doing it. Although today didn’t quite start out like that, uni was a bit of a night and so was the afternoon of ‘freedom’. I haven’t been sleeping much so a 9am start wasn’t top of my list of things to do today especially when it is pissing down with rain. Today has also been a very up and down experience in terms of my moods (as have the last few days. I love uni and then I hate it and my mind is arguing with itself every five minutes about something and it gets a little bit exhausting. I think that if I hadn’t have recorded today I wouldn’t have been able to release anything, I needed something else to concentrate on that just wasn’t to do with uni stuff. It definitely worked because for the first time in over a month I was able to write a review again, my confidence just appeared and although its 1am I feel ALIVE. I feel ready to write and perform music again, I feel ready to let go of the hurt that was still inside me from home and I feel ready to write properly and just hold out on the academics until second year (when I actually get to CHOOSE what I want to study).

 

There was one other little thing that may have helped today and that’s a few phone calls one from my amazing Grampey who never ever fails to make me feel better. What did he do you may ask? He simply asked me about my day and told me about his, it’s little things like that I love and miss the most and the thought of going home for a few days at the end of the month makes me so damn excited! The other phone call was from my Mum as part of our daily phone calling it always makes me feel better and she managed to calm me down after a run in with a nightmare hairdresser (thankfully all my hair is okay but I will NEVER be going back to that place again!). You’ll already have guessed Ali and Bekkie played a major part in today too. 

So really everyone I just wanted to write this to let you know that I’m doing ok! Well I will be anyway, days like this give me hope. 

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Ali hard at work