One year ago today, the 23rd March 2020 we entered lockdown in England. Sitting down and watch the Prime Minister was surreal, you knew you were watching a moment in history. I can only imagine it was similar to hearing the word that we were at war with Germany back in the 1930s. Something shifted in that moment, this was a big deal. I got emotional but it wasn’t going to be for long, I only had to get to June, right? It was going to be ok (oh the poor optimistic soul I was).
I am not the same woman I was a year ago. Things have been harder than I could imagine them being one punch after the other but I am still standing with a strength I didn’t know I possessed. We’ve all been through trauma that will take time to heal from.
At the start of the pandemic I was a mess. Anxiety took over my brain and body, regular panic attacks, sobbing constantly, being afraid of going outside my front door, comfort eating. I watched as industries completely shut down and the weeks turned into months, including my partners industry. We still had rent to pay and it wasn’t an easy time.
Across the year alongside the external pain we lost three of our hamsters. While two were expected (old age), one came completely out of the blue. We both contracted Covid, spent Christmas in isolation and had to move in with family when our flat was up for renewal. We moved our wedding date an entire year. My partners whole industry disappeared practically overnight.
The past year I’ve felt like I am just keeping my head above water. There were countless times where I didn’t think I could carry on, when I didn’t want to carry on. I know the majority of us have felt that way. Between being at home constantly or going to jobs when there is a deadly virus, people being furloughed, the fear of catching the virus and, of course, those who have lost those they love we’ve all been just trying to get through the days.
There were a few positives to come out of the time spent at home, I got to spend more time with Ali than I have since we were at university, I made decisions about my life and my health, I started to let go of relationships that were toxic, I realised that I was going to keep fighting to be freelance.
We didn’t expect this to last this long, I remember the thought of still wearing masks at Christmas seeming laughable last summer. It couldn’t carry on that long, could it? Instead we spent Boxing Day back in tight restrictions and went into lockdown for the 3rd time a week later.
All of us are exhausted, mentally and physically drained, of course that doesn’t compare to those on the front line who have been risking their lives, but we’ve got this far – as battered and broken as we may feel.
I can’t help but feel that when we do emerge from this, when restrictions are lifted and we’re back in the sunshine, for a while at least, we will appreciate the little things a bit more. We’ll hug those we love a little longer, try not to sweat the small stuff, well that’s what I plan to do.
Of course I wish this had never happened, that thousands hadn’t had to die and questions will need to be answered later. We’ll all need time to heal and recover from this year, because I don’t think anyone really came out unscathed.
Does this post make the most sense? Nope. Is it mostly me just getting my thoughts down on to a page and trying to make sense of the madness that this has been our lives for the past year? Pretty much. I do have hope though, better days are coming and I’m holding on to that.