My night time musings

I’ve wanted to write something amazing, incredible and thoughtful. I want to write a book, more songs and d everything right now. I’ve been working lately, I’ve been happier than I have been in a very long time and I have so much to be thankful for. The flat is silent right now, I’m the last one left but I can hear people outside. 

I don’t know if I’ll be sad to leave this place, I’ve felt very isolated here and very lonely I think I’ll miss the halls in Kingston Hill more because of all the memories I made. Saying that I do feel strange that in September this will be someone else room, someone elses normal. I’ll have moved on and I probably will never meet them or know what their flat mates are like. This room is for growing, it’s a temporary place and that’s something I’m not used to but now I like that. It’s been my own space for a year and it’s seen awful lows and incredible highs lately. 

I’m so looking forward to second year, to moving in with Ali and have spent the day setting things up for next year. It will be totally different and I really just want to stay happy and well keep feeling like the real me that I’ve been searching for for years. 

So farewell first year, I’ve loved  you and hated you, I won’t be back for Seething Wells though! 

Back to Mum and Dad’s

So last wee was super hectic I have a load of back log of blogs I need to check over again and upload (they will be up hopefully by mid week). I was working eye day, 6.30 starts and late bedtimes. I’ve also been packing, as of tomorrow I will have moved back in with Mum and Dad, oh and my sister’s new and totally creepy Goldfish… Ellie Goulding-Goldfish. It feel weird that I’m the last one in the flat, Ali’s home already and I’ve been keeping myself busy. Honestly though moving back with Mum and Dad for the summer and then into our new flat feels weird to me. After tonight the majority of times I cook it will be for 2 people, I’ll share almost everything and on the plus side I’ll have someone to come home to again.

Although halls weren’t necessarily the best thing I’ll miss the independence of living here. I can go out at whatever time, come back at whatever time, eat what I like, sleep and shower at weird times. You know normal student stuff. Don’t get me wrong I want to go home for a bit it will just be different to last summer, I’m a very different person to who I was then…oh and I now have a much smaller bedroom. Great.

It will be nice though, having my dog back with me, driving my sister around, seeing my cousins and grandparents and catching up with a few people. Let me say this now though when I go home I feel amazing, I feel like I’ve achieved a lot by going to uni like I said I’m not the same girl I was when I left in  a good way. 

 

So I’m going to get back to finishing packing and Basingstoke? I’m coming back for ya! 😉

Back again, for the last time

Technically this is the last term of my first year, although obviously teach ended weeks ago. I took the opportunity to go food shopping as Mum was giving me a lift back, there’s nothing I hate more than lugging bags of food back from Sainsbury’s in the rain! So we packed up the car, boot full and headed back. 

I must admit I’ve been nervous all day about coming back. I like listening to the noise in my house, I like having people I’m comfortable around, I like having the option of being around people. You don’t get that here. Well I’m sure you do in some flats but I find mine quite a lonely place and I don’t like sitting here with nothing to do. Surprisingly though, after a little wobble earlier I’m okay. I feel ok and kind of focused, I have deadlines, a job and a new flat to work out so it’ll be keep me busy. 

One thing making me nervous though is my mental health support team. I think I’m almost out of ‘alloted hours’ and I could be refused more. The problem is these don’t change with the circumstances of my condition. If I’m feeling awful and in need of help I can apply for more hours, but there is no certainty that it will be granted. I like my mentor a lot, she helps me work through things when I’m really anxious and cutting that off when I still have another 2 months of halls to live in doesn’t make me feel good. I’ll put in the application and fight if it gets denied but this is the problem with MH. We’re constantly told ‘lack of funding’ lack of this, lack of that. It’s taken me 5 years to get help at all, like hell am I letting it go now. 

So in two months time it will be goodbye to Seething Wells and hello to the new flat. I’m excited and nervous and just about everything. I’m hoping this will be really good for me, I wont be forced to be alone any more if I’m feeling down! 

So here it goes, one more term…. 

On a Mad One

Amy has a phrase for whenever one of us gets angry/upset/annoyed and needs to vent until we calm down we go on a ‘mad one’. Now in the last few months there have been various forms of this and today it hit me, big time. I haven’t had a break or a rest since the beginning of January it’s been at least 4 weeks of non stop work, so today my brain just said no. Throw in room issues, bus issues, a disgusting smelling kitchen, arrogant show offs from earlier in the week and generally irritating people and you’ve got how I feel right now. I know people will read this, some may think I’m talking about them and be offended…if that is you think about why you’re offended, then you’ll get to how I feel when I write this. I ended up in the university Starbucks with Amy having a little heart to heart and she just made me feel ok , she reminded me that I am a part of something and going up to Kingston Hill just lifts my mood 90% of the time. 

I hate feeling low, it’s one of the worst things in the world and sometimes a ‘mad one’ is just a part of a low. I’ve tried to be positive today and when I was with Amy it was ok, I didn’t think about everything that was bothering me too much and I just talked it out. The problem is when I’m upset and alone or when I’m surrounded by people who just don’t help. So I’m spending this evening locked in my room listening to You Me At Six and trying to get this assignment finished. What people don’t tell you is no matter how much you love uni (and I honestly do) being in halls is hard work. Not every flat has a magical connection and sometimes you lock horns, not in a big way but when you want to slob out and just eat crappy food all day you feel this pressure, well I personally do. I generally find it quite hard when I’m having a bad day, feeling like someone is constantly looking at what you’re doing. The bottom line, it’s not like you’re at home, you have to think about a lot more, you can’t want around in some of your PJs because they might be ‘too revealing’, you don’t wear make up and people think your ill! 

Sometimes all that compared with a bad day is just a little too much. I’m trying to look forward though, to next year. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but Ali and I will be living together so it makes life a little easier. I just feel so comfortable around him, I can do whatever the hell I want and not feel like I have to think about it or discuss it later. I guess what I’m tring to say in this blog post is that honestly I struggle sometimes living with a whole block full of people and not feeling close to any of them and it’s just a part of life. Plus, going from somewhere where you feel like you belong, the band, Hannafords etc to being completely alone isn’t the nicest feeling. Now I’m shaking off this ‘Mad One’ I’m hoping that I can get rid of it and go to uni feeling a bit better about everything and just get on with my work before going out with Amy tomorrow night! 

I’m not a fan of being alone

 

Last Sunday I thought I might be going mad. I had spent 23 hours in my flat without seeing another human being, it was torture. Before I started uni I thought I liked being alone. I would sit in my room and crave that people would just stay out and let me do my thing, then I moved and I found I was alone a lot more than I liked. It’s not that I’m the most social person on the plant but my flat is pretty quiet, unlike other flats I know we’re not best friends. We do get one and there aren’t any major disagreements but we’re very much six individuals who live in the same flat and share a kitchen, that’s about it.

While I was at home this weekend a familiar sense of dread crept in, I’d be going back on Sunday night…an evening of being alone before seeing my friends again. Unlike most students I dread the weekend, there is no uni bus so if I want to see my Kingston Hill friends I need to walk to the station for a bus, most of my other friends either commute or work in shop jobs over the weekend so I spent quality time with myself. I find myself trying to sleep the weekend away because I get bored and frustrated. I don’t want to be surrounded by people but I would like to just have people around me if that makes sense? For reasons like when I’m feeling a bit low I can go and have a conversation and forget what’s on my mind. The other problem is that it gives me time to think and obsess, something I’m working with my mentor not to do, so I get upset and I try to call everyone I know so I won’t start overthinking…it doesn’t always work. Hopefully tomorrow will be ok because I’m getting back fairly late so I can get showered and go to bed.

This may seem like a bit of an odd blog post but I’ve heard the same thing from various friends of mine, especially if you live in a busy house as I do. You don’t miss constant interruptions but you don’t mind the background noise or your dog falling asleep on your feet. At the same time though I do like being able to wander around at 3am and not wake anyone up, so there are some bonus points. It is because of this I’m looking forward to September, Ali and I will be moving in together after  6 years. I’m planning on writing a long blog about it later on about house hunting and all that jazz but for now I’m just getting a little bit excited and a little bit nervous!

That’s enough for the day as I’m enjoying being home and have a few posts to publish that I haven’t already! Harry Potter studio tour tomorrow! I can’t wait to share thee pictures with you all!

Getting ready to head back.

While many of us are getting excited about seeing friends again, the miracle of Student Loan and being able to order pizza at 3am there is one thing that stands in our way. Packing. As many of my regular readers will know my anxiety has been peeking for the last week or so, the thought of going back to halls of residence hasn’t filled me with much joy. If anything it’s made the whole issue of going back to uni worse. 

The problem is that when I’m stressed my mind goes into overdrive. I can’t sit still and I begin to get anxious and panic and then I start to have an anxiety/panic attack. I turn into someone I don’t recognise and say things I don’t mean. I do my best to avoid stress and put things in place so that if I’d under a lot of pressure I can deal with it but sometimes, like today, there isn’t a lot I can do. The reason for all this stress? Packing and going back to being alone in my flat. While I’ve made plans for in the week tomorrow night is going to be pretty tough and I know that. I’m hoping that the box of chocolates I have left over from Christmas might make it a little bit better. 

I’m hoping that once the worst is over I can try and see things in a more positive light. I have a wonderful boyfriend, some brilliant friends and a band that I’m going to be proud of. There is also talk of finding me some alternative housing in the next month and I’m realising that’s ok. I gave Seething Wells a really good try but when my health is involved I need to seriously consider what to do about it. So I might be writing to you guys again about packing for a move once again! We’ll see. 

Right now I’m going to catch up on publishing a few other posts I’ve missed and have my last night in a quiet room for a change! 

Uni sure is a crazy place

Today had been quite abnormal for more than one reason and sometimes you realise that moving from a town to a big city wasn’t your smartest move. Ok so let’s start with Surbiton where I currently live (and will be swiftly moving out of come June). There are two parts of Surbiton the nice part which is stunning and a weird grubby part, I’m kind of in the middle. Today after getting off the bus at the station I was shocked to find a woman look at me and start screaming at me. She ranted and raved at me and nobody batted an eyelid she she told me I was ‘f***ing miserable’ and to ‘get my tits out’, because apparently if you do that you get a fella…according to her anyway. Nobody stopped, nobody looked, nobody wanted to help, they just kept their heads down. So I done what any normal human being would do…I went and bought a whole pizza for myself and dessert. Well it is Friday. Plus I’m sure you guy would find me boring if I was on a constant diet like someone I heard today who is worryingly on a diet where she replaces food with cigarettes… something I will never understand.

Apart from the Surbiton divide halls have also become an odd place with reports of fights breaking out again and some drunk loser taking a s**t on the stairs outside our flat after we wouldn’t let him into the flat. It’s just becaomse accepted that people will get drunk or high and that is a ‘good time’. Now maybe it’s time I got into my granny pants but doesn’t it get boring? Maybe it’s just me. 

Either way the most abnormal thing today was the way people reacted to a lack of internet. 15 universities internet was knocked out, meaning my presentation went to pieces. I’m not good with presenting anyway unless I’m singing, not having material made me want to hide under the table ( I didn’t you’ll be pleased to know). Still everything just seemed to shut down for some reason, people completely panicked. I wont lie and say I wasn’t irritated that some moron stole the server but it just proved how reliant we are on technology now. It wasn’t all bad though I ended up spending the morning with my lovely tutor group after our tutor bought us hot chocolate and muffins today, due to not being able to do our online work (yeah we’re not grown up enough for coffee yet, well we don’t think we should be anyway). 

Now I’m off to a very loud and messy Christmas party…let’s see how this goes!