Tag: failed

I didn’t pass, but that’s ok!

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I’ve been keeping something back from you all, something that has had me going up and down more times than a yoyo. I had my driving test today, I’ve been hinting at it on the blog for a few weeks but luckily none of you noticed. Before I start this blog I have to thank my best friend Jen, Ali, my parents and my sister. They’ve had to keep me calm for the past few weeks and it hasn’t been easy, there have been a lot of tears. 

Jens been at my flat for 8am for the last 2 days running to keep me calm and just talk me through things, my driving instructor has dealt with various panic attacks and tears for the past week. As I said before driving tests wind me up to no end but something amazing happened. After warming up before and constantly stalling, panicking and being sick I started talking to myself. Sounds crazy, right? I’m pleased to say despite not passing I’m very proud of myself. I got in the car and had one panic moment where I started losing control but other than that I talked myself through, I encouraged myself like I was talking to someone else. I thought I failed before I actually did but I got through and it didn’t matter. I even said to the examiner ‘before you tell me can I just say for me getting through that was enough, I’m happy’ which is a huge achievement for me. I’m terrified of failing, I don’t handle it well in the slightest but today it didn’t matter. 

What did I fail on you may ask? I didn’t overtake a cyclist and therefore held up traffic for a few minutes. That’s all. So my actual driving? Well enough to pass that damn test! That’s what I’m thinking now, I finally feel safe enough to go out alone in my car, obviously wont but I know I can now once I get that certificate in my hand. Also it passed so quickly and I got my manoeuvre near on perfect even though I had to do it backwards and up a hill. 

I would have loved to have passed today, for a moment I thought I had. In a way though failing on something so silly made me more confident. It means I’m a good driver, I am a safe driver. So I got out of the car smiling ran into the flat and gave my instructor the money to book my test again for after the Easter break. I know I can do this now and it took me 4 times of failing to realise that I can do this! I hope it will be next time, I really want to finally have the weight off my shoulders. If it isn’t I’m pretty certain that I will pass before my birthday when my theory certificate runs out. 

Either way today meant a lot for me and I’ve been happy ever since, I never thought failing would make me feel so good! So here’s to next time!! Oh and here’s to kicking Depression and Anxiety’s butt! 

Maybe I’ll go, before I fall to pieces

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Starting a blog with lyrics from Razorlight is always fun. I remember when I was around 11 and I got this CD at the airport for my Walkman  CD player (HAH just proves that I am as old as I feel!) and I constantly played ‘before I fall to pieces’. When I was 11 I had no idea what it meant and now when I listen to the song I have some idea, if you want to listen to it here is the link. Anyway I’m not writing today to give you the Pros and Cons of a Walkman, although I might save that for later. The title reminds me of how I feel in driving test situations! 

Last year I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to do in 2013, some I achieved my nose piercing, my change in hair colour, my tattoo, passing my exams, getting into univeristy. Some of them I know have a great chance of happening this year, such as recording an EP (finally). There is one on there though that sticks out and pisses me off endlessly, get my driving license. Aha there we go, the big one. Get that damn bit of card and paper that says I’m allowed to drive in my car without an adult. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. More than anything else driving stresses me out. Not the actual driving a car I’m generally a good driver but knowing I have to take a test at the end of it. 

Now I’ve done well over my 40 hours by now, I’ve passed the theory, I’ve taken 3 different tests. The problem? A mix of general driving test nerves, awful anxiety issues and memories of past tests. I’ve moved now and I thought that would be enough but I’m still terrified, we have a DOUBLE roundabout. Who even invented those? So while I’ve seen loads of people I went to school with in their own cars, effortlessly driving I’m still the idiot who can’t pass. I’ve had the BS from everyone of ‘don’t think like that’, ‘everyone is different’ blah blah blah. I honestly think that if I hadn’t had such an awful examiner in Basingstoke then I would have been ok. I had them for 2/3 tests, for the first they were fine, for the second they turned into the bloody devil. After sighing when I done anything wrong, raising their voice to me when I chose the safest thing to do and just being a general arse I fell to pieces. After a long appeal where I was called a liar (don’t even get me started) I had to pay once again and was not granted the promise I wouldn’t have them again. The third test was nothing more than hilarious, I was awful!  Here is a tip for you all, don’t take your driving test the day before you get the most important results of your life! 

All this said, I will attempt it again and again. I think this is one of THE main areas my anxiety can take hold of my life. While people say ‘don’t let it’ my fellow anxiety sufferers will know that this isn’t something you can switch on and off. I’m going to try and carry on this year, not because it’s new years but because my theory test runs out in September. After going out with my Dad tonight (and only almost killing us 4 times…I kid, I kid!) I’m feeling a bit better and one day I might actually enjoy driving!