Tag: creative

10 things I’ve learnt in the last month

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Yesterday was 1 month since I fell off Rose, I couldn’t believe how quickly one month had gone. Although I still have a month until my next spine appointment, I will have hopefully made some more improvements. Where am I at the moment? I’m still taking very strong painkillers and have trouble getting up but I can walk that little bit further than before. I was quite poorly yesterday night (hence no blog) but I wanted to use today’s to think about some of the things I’ve learnt this month while I’ve been resting. Enjoy 🙂

1. Fear of falling is never a good thing

When I fell from Rose, I wasn’t scared. I knew that I had to just let go, it was only a fall. Ok, yes I ended up with much more than just an initial bruise BUT I want to get that feeling back. I want to get that feeling where I’m not scared of falling because I can’t just go around scared whenever I ride. I kind of want to apply it to other areas of my life too. I’m a total perfectionist, I’m absolutely terrified of failing, especially academically. So maybe I can relax a little? Just enough so I’m not a huge ball of stress all through third year.

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I will get back to being this fearless on a horse! 

2. How lucky I am

I am walking. I am not permanently in a wheelchair and I’m so grateful. The lack of finding the fractures meant I went back to my normal life, I could have very easily ended up paralysed. I’ve been cared for by the people who matter and I’m still getting there but it looks like I’m going to recover from this, for that I am so,so lucky.

3. I want to be financially secure so I can afford private healthcare once I’ve graduated

I don’t want the NHS to be privatised because for most of my life it’s been there and I’m glad we can rely on a National System. That said, I wasn’t treated well with this serious injury, I’ve had to wait and push and be in extreme pain for appointments and I still don’t have my back brace never mind that the fractures were missed. It’s one of my goals in life to have private healthcare because I know I will be treated with the best possible care, it’s sad but true.

4. I have lots of wonderful people around me 

My family is incredible and so are my friends. I’ve had this outpouring of love from all of my friends and family. Cards have been sent, I’ve been accompanied to hospital, Ali’d had to help me move, I’ve been pushed in my wheelchair and made to smile about it, comments,presents and messages. I feel so loved and appreciated everything so, so much.

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5. Sometimes it’s ok that things don’t go to plan 

As you all know I was meant to go to Prague with Eleanor and Dani this month. I’d been counting down for so long and I couldn’t go. I was devastated to say the least and I cried, a lot. The thing is although I didn’t get to go to Prague, I got invited to the Society Awards instead and saw my society win an award, as well as another one of my best friends win an award. Am I still sad that I missed out on time with El and Dani? Of course I am but at least I still got to smile with two of my other best friends.

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6. You can always embarrass yourself in front of your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together 

Ali and I have been together for seven years and yet I still find ways to embarrass myself. I’ve been taking showers as I can stand up in the warm water, it helps the pain. I decided my legs NEEDED shaving so I sat down in the bath…then realised I was stuck. Ali then had to come and lift me out of the bath, it was a beautiful moment. I was so embarrassed, love huh?

7. There are other ways to let out pain and frustration 

In the past when I was in the darkest parts of depression I didn’t know how to let my pain and frustration out in a positive way, now it’s a lot better. I write a lot or I draw sometimes. There are so many things that you can do to let it all out, I’ll be writing a post in the future about it.

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8. Friends are priceless

I couldn’t have kept my spirits up the way I have without my friends, they’ve been incredible. They’ve visited or messaged me and kept my spirits up with I’ve been very low and they haven’t gotten frustrated when it takes me so long to walk anywhere.Thank you to all of you, I love you so much.

9. A lot needs to be done for people who are permanently in wheelchairs 

I’ve gone out in my wheelchair twice and I’ve noticed this. While the majority of people have been nice and helpful I’ve been moaned at my people in cars for not being off the road the second the light turns green for them, I’ve been sighed at when someone needs to change their path because of my wheelchair and I’ve been walked in front of. This is where angry Chloe happens who doesn’t give a monkeys, I usually shout after them. It’s been so hard getting about in the wheelchair, to get up the pavement is a major issue, getting into shops, getting around in general! More needs to be done for people in wheelchairs to make their lives easier!

10. Pain doesn’t mean the end of happiness 

I’ve been pretty low through all this but I’ve still managed happiness. I can stil laugh with my friends and I’ve adapted things. I’m not saying I don’t get upset, frustrated and angry, but I can still achieve happiness even if it’s harder.

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Still smiling 

Being Creative

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I know, I know my blogging skills have been slacking lately. I’ve been awful and all over the place for so many reasons I can’t list them all on here. I’ve had family stuff, illness stuff, house stuff name anything and it’s probably been a giant pain in the ass in the last few weeks but thinking about it this didn’t help me to understand why I not only wasn’t writing but why I didn’t want to. It seems odd that his time last year I was trying to write a novel and now I can’t bring myself to write even a song, but I think I’ve worked it out. Confidence. 

A lack of confidence with my writing is something I’ve never felt before. I’ve never really had to feel that way about it, my readers have always been happy and that was enough for me. Then I enrolled on a Creative Writing course and for me it couldn’t have been a worse decision. Now I’m not knocking Kingston, I love my uni with a passion but it’s not secret I’m leaving the Creative Writing course. I just don’t enjoy it, I haven’t really since the first week. I couldn’t get creative from the lessons, it stopped me being creative if anything and made me worry far too much of what others thought of me, I don’t need any more of that! 

Music and writing are now two things I can’t be academically involved with, I don’t want to do it to please people or to their rules. I want to be able to use the words I use and not be restricted because someone doesn’t like them. I want to be free to write in a way that suits me. 

The thing is creativity is where I can be myself and not have to worry and I’m afraid doing Creative Writing as a course really knocked my confidence. While my peers loved my work there were more than one academic who didn’t because it wasn’t their style. I now have a load of rules in my head that are stopping me from writing. I don’t review any more because I’m so nervous about making a mistake and not ‘grabbing’ the reader. I’ve forgotten what I started doing 2 years ago and why. I wrote because I loved it and that bought people in, it still does when I stop worrying enough to write one. 

I’m not knocking all Creative Writing courses, my classmates seemed happy and came up with some fab stuff but it just wasn’t for me, it made me really unhappy and kind of made me forget why I write. I don’t want to worry about nit picking and the correct punctuation when I write something for the first time. I did have two fantastic teachers this year, both I value very highly and they liked my work and gave me constructive criticism if and when it was needed. 

My  point is that now I’ve decided to stick with academics I’m hoping I can have creativity as fun and release. Do I want it as a job? Of course I do but I know that kind would be different. Now is the time to trial things, make mistakes and then go for it with the writing and the music. 

5 reasons being sleep deprived is a good thing

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So as you all know I’m going on very little sleep at the moment here are 5 ways it’s a good thing! 

 

 

1.  Creativity!!! Was I always this creative… 

2. Constantly eating is acceptable because it’s to ‘keep up your energy levels’

 

3. Watching your favourite series back to back because what else can you do at 3am? 

 

4. Everything becomes funny, even things that make no sense… (or tearful but lets ignore that)

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It’s a lobster…haha a LOBSTER *giggles in hysterics for the next 20 minutes* 

 

5. ‘ Don’t disturb them they’re finally sleeping!!!’ 

When you finally manage sleep no one wants to wake you because you look so peaceful….