Hedgehog Watching

I’m home! Surprise! 

I’m happy, so, so happy to be home and relaxing. I’ve been surprising people since I got back. No one but my Mum knew again and I loved the looks on my families faces, especially my grandparents! I spent this evening watching hedgehogs with Gramps in their garden, he’s kind of adopted them and feeds them every night. Sometimes they’ll come up to him and walk around, it’s cute and I’m so glad I finally got to see them eating. 

I’m also in my new room, which is really weird but I really enjoy it. It’s a lot smaller but it’s kinda homely. I’ve unpacked some of my books which I brought back with me and I’ve cleared out some of the boxes. It wont be long until I head back for a month/the summer. Today another one of my flat mates moved out and headed back to India, another will be leaving this week and then another at the end of the month, soon it will just be me and one other flat mate. It’s going to be even quieter….if that can happen. It’s because of this I’ve bought new books and I’m going to be trying to get out more as well and do more things, if I can. 

I’m going to enjoy curling up in my new room and relax for a few days before heading back. Besides, I’ll be back in a few weeks I have a cupcake class with Mum, her birthday and fathers day around the corner! 

I didn’t pass, but that’s ok!

I’ve been keeping something back from you all, something that has had me going up and down more times than a yoyo. I had my driving test today, I’ve been hinting at it on the blog for a few weeks but luckily none of you noticed. Before I start this blog I have to thank my best friend Jen, Ali, my parents and my sister. They’ve had to keep me calm for the past few weeks and it hasn’t been easy, there have been a lot of tears. 

Jens been at my flat for 8am for the last 2 days running to keep me calm and just talk me through things, my driving instructor has dealt with various panic attacks and tears for the past week. As I said before driving tests wind me up to no end but something amazing happened. After warming up before and constantly stalling, panicking and being sick I started talking to myself. Sounds crazy, right? I’m pleased to say despite not passing I’m very proud of myself. I got in the car and had one panic moment where I started losing control but other than that I talked myself through, I encouraged myself like I was talking to someone else. I thought I failed before I actually did but I got through and it didn’t matter. I even said to the examiner ‘before you tell me can I just say for me getting through that was enough, I’m happy’ which is a huge achievement for me. I’m terrified of failing, I don’t handle it well in the slightest but today it didn’t matter. 

What did I fail on you may ask? I didn’t overtake a cyclist and therefore held up traffic for a few minutes. That’s all. So my actual driving? Well enough to pass that damn test! That’s what I’m thinking now, I finally feel safe enough to go out alone in my car, obviously wont but I know I can now once I get that certificate in my hand. Also it passed so quickly and I got my manoeuvre near on perfect even though I had to do it backwards and up a hill. 

I would have loved to have passed today, for a moment I thought I had. In a way though failing on something so silly made me more confident. It means I’m a good driver, I am a safe driver. So I got out of the car smiling ran into the flat and gave my instructor the money to book my test again for after the Easter break. I know I can do this now and it took me 4 times of failing to realise that I can do this! I hope it will be next time, I really want to finally have the weight off my shoulders. If it isn’t I’m pretty certain that I will pass before my birthday when my theory certificate runs out. 

Either way today meant a lot for me and I’ve been happy ever since, I never thought failing would make me feel so good! So here’s to next time!! Oh and here’s to kicking Depression and Anxiety’s butt!