Feminist Friday with … Charlotte Selby

Why I Need Feminism

This is a guest post by Charlotte Selby, a YA Writer, Book Blogger and Booktuber. Charlotte has requested the following trigger warnings to be in place; Sexual Abuse, Anxiety, and Depression.

Living alone in my second year of University was a bad idea. I was in my own company a lot and my anxiety was at the highest it had been; I was yet to get a diagnosis. I was struggling to leave my flat to see my therapist, never mind going to classes. I hadn’t established a strong enough relationship with the friends I’d made where I felt I could confide in them about my problems. Then someone came along. For the purposes of this post, we’ll call them Ash.

They got me. They knew when to listen to my problems and when to give advice. I became dependent; messaging them when I thought I might relapse, begging them to come over. When they kissed me, I felt it was a turning point: someone wanted me even though they’d seen how broken I was. My previous partner broke up with me because I wouldn’t sleep with them so I wanted to take my time before losing my virginity. Ash respected that. My friend warned me and our friendship became strained. She didn’t understand. Ash was good for me.

After a bad relapse, Ash came to the rescue and took me to their flat. I didn’t want to be alone for fear of how much further I would go. After I calmed down, Ash kissed me. I said no but they became icy after. Later they tried again and I said no. We had already slept together at this point, but this time was different. This time I didn’t want it. But they were so persistent that, in the end, I let them.

“Come on, it’ll take your mind off things.”

I told them I didn’t want to see them anymore after that (outside of class obligations). When I confided in a friend about what had happened, she had her I did warn you moment and explained the concept of consent to me. I felt foolish.

Flash to final year and it all came out. There were six other girls at the same time as me all with similar stories. We didn’t go to the police. We didn’t tell the university. We all knew we’d be blamed until we dropped it. One day when a society I was part of hosted a bake sale on campus. Ash showed up. The boyfriend of one of the other girls came and attacked Ash. He’d learned his girlfriend was one of the many victims. He screamed “manipulator”, “sexual abuser” and “rapist.” I was called out too. “How dare you stand when they did that to you. You’re just as bad as them. You could have helped people.” In the drama of it all, I don’t think anyone noticed I’d been outed; there were a select few who knew the names of the people involved, he just happened to know mine.

What happened with Ash had a big impact on my next relationship – which started during second year and we’re still together now. One night when we were messing around one night, he jokingly said: “come on you know you want to.” When I worked up the courage to tell him about Ash, I expected a breakup. We didn’t and we’re still together now, but it took a long time to fully trust him. Even now if I’m not in the mood for being intimate I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, like I’m letting him down in some way.

Ash didn’t go to graduation. They weren’t missed.
I wish I could say I felt free when I cut them out. But I don’t. While I’m in a much better place mentally now but I’m easily shaken. I often think of “what ifs.” What if I’d stood up for myself? What if I’d spoken out sooner?

I need feminism because had there been more support for women, if there had been a safe place we could have gone to report it, if there was less stigma around sexual abuse, maybe Ash wouldn’t be out there right now. Living their life, probably never thinking about what they did to all those girls.

I speak out now. I shut down negative discussions about sexual assault/ abuse and rape. I challenge harmful views. I don’t want people to have to go through what I did and then blame themselves after. I am a feminist.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And by god, I am stronger now.

Thank you so much to Charlotte for this post, it’s such an important yet hard topic to discuss. If YOU want to get involved with Feminist Fridays email chloefmetzer@gmail.com with ‘Feminist Friday’ in the subject line.

 

My Big Mouth: How about No means no Carter.

no-means-no

Scrolling through my Twitter feed tonight I come across the trending list to see what’s going on in the world. Something that caught my eye is the #westillloveyouCarter trend, there seemed to be a lot of anger so naturally I followed the story up. Carter, 19, is big on social media for his vines, as is his 16 year old ex girlfriend. This week a video was leaked of Carter trying to force the girl to not only give him oral sex but to also let it be filmed. Feeling sorry for himself after the backlash against him he created his own hashtag #weloveyouCarter about the situation which he insists has been ‘blown out of proportion’ on his twitter page. Ha, ha, no.

As a human being I’m disgusted and think that as there is VIDEO EVIDENCE he should have been arrested by now. Sexual abuse is not funny or something to defend as many of his followers have. As a woman I’m shocked and concerned at the sheer amount of young girls that are using the hashtag to support him. The kind of worship he has from these young girls is terrifying and it may lead to some of them accepting that this kind of activity is ‘normal’ from their boyfriends, partners, future husbands and not something that they can say no to.

Basically no means no. End of. No deal. The majority of young men understand this and respect it but there are some who feel that they can do whatever they like to a woman, that women are there for them. They feel that they can slap their bums in a club, make a sesxist comment at work or during sport, look at our boobs and not our faces and the absolute worst touch a woman in a place she does not want to be or force and act upon her.

I feel truly sorry for his ex girlfriend, he filmed her whilst she was saying no in a vulnerable position. That video is all over the internet and I’ll bet there are still some lowlifes saying it in some way is her fault. This will follow her for the rest of her life, how do you think she feels when her friends, her family know about this? It’s wrong. So my question is WHY are so many people supporting him and not her? Why is there not a hashtag #westandwithMaggie because that, after all, is who we should be supporting. That is who I as not just a woman but also as a human I am supporting her because no means no.

image from here.