Workouts and Willpower

1 Comment
IMG_5884

Work it!! 

For the last 6 weeks I’ve been trying really hard to get fitter and healthier. As soon as I was told that I was allowed to attempt a little more exercise I wanted to work on it. I went to physio religiously and only missed one week because I had the sickness bug and wasn’t allowed to. I’ve never really had the kick up the butt I needed before, but after the accident I had a huge appreciation for, you know, a working body.

Now I’m at home it would be easy for me to say ‘oh well! I’ll just start again in January!’ and then eat everything, ignore my routine and then cry in January. I refuse to forget my progress. So, a few weeks ago I called the biggest gym enthusiast I knew and asked if he could be my gym buddy once I was home. This morning I was picked up by my Gramps and we headed to the gym for my induction and his work out.

It is very weird that my Gramps is so much healthier than me and while I was being shown around, he was on all the machines! Eventually I got started and we were doing some of our exercises side by side. It’s nice because we’ve always been super close, to the point where I wouldn’t sleep as a toddler until he’d come home from work, so having this to do just the two of us was nice. Hopefully I’ll get at least 2 more sessions in before I go back to London.

I left feeling energised and really proud of myself. No one forced me to go and work out today I wanted too and felt so good after. My new gym buddy was pretty pleased too. If 16 year old me had been told I’d love the gym she would have fainted (I’ve never been sporty at all, riding was the only thing and, well, you know how that went).

Now, the other thing I need to work on over the holidays is not over indulging on sweets, chocolates, my Mum’s amazing cooking and my sisters delicious baking. Over the past few days I’ve been very good. I’m using my app and still eating my recommended amount of calories but it is hard. I don’t want to just not eat but at the same time I don’t want to seem rude. It’s a tough balance and on days like today sometimes I don’t want to eat because I know I’ve done so well, then I quickly remind myself that I’m not getting into that cycle again. I’m doing this the healthy way or not at all, hence why I won’t have any scales in my flat.

IMG_5880

Mine and Summer’s Gingerbread House…looks so yummy!

My willpower is being pushed to the limit but so far, so good. I feel healthy, happy and actually really accomplished that I’m sticking to something I’ve found so difficult in the past. Unlike a lot of the ‘new year, new me’ types that will head into the gym January I’m not doing this to lose that big of extra weight or because I ‘should’, I’m doing it because I’m really proud of my body. After all the healing and growing new bone after so much damage (some of which may be permanent) I’m going to treat it as well as I damn well can.

 

Living with a mental health condition at Christmas

Leave a comment

15b3dd2a787de7e7b9d9f76bd41897df

Ah mental illness, you little pest, of course you want to pop your head up for the holidays. I’ve been thinking a lot about mental illness and christmas time, I say thinking and I mean getting anxious about it. I’ve wanted to write this post for a long time but almost couldn’t find the words for what I wanted to say.

For most people Christmas equals joy and happiness, right? For some of us though our mental health threatens the celebrations every year whether we like it or not. Not only is it hard for the person dealing with the illness, but also the people around them and so I’m going to be frank. One day of the year doesn’t make a mental illness magically disappear, it doesn’t work that way.

In the past I’ve been ill on birthdays and ill on Christmas day and it sucks. I’d probably call it one of my absolute worst points of the illness. I was 16 and even though I loved all the gifts that I’d gotten and my family I was on a low and it wouldn’t shake no matter how hard I tried. So my family got a ‘meh’ response, I cried, my Mum got upset and my Dad was confused. It was Christmas, why was I upset?!? This was long before any diagnoses or medication and I felt like I was drowning. I hated myself for not being excitable like I normally was. A phone call changed everything though. I spoke to my Gramps on the phone and we talked, I cried again and he said not to worry Christmas can be an overwhelming time. We spoke more and by the time we ended the conversation I felt better and hugged my Mum to tell her it wasn’t anything she’d done at all.

Thankfully the further I’ve gotten into my recovery the better Christmas has been. Last year I woke up before my little sister and woke her up in our matching onesies. This year after assignments I was finally excited, singing christmas songs and getting excited about presents. Am I anxious about lows? Sure. Right now though I’m doing things to combat it, I’m getting as much sleep as I can, eating healthier and will be exercising this week at home.

I have to point out I’m at a stage in my illness where this is all possible. 16 year old me was too absorbed by it to do anything. So I guess what I’m trying to say is if you live with someone with a mental health condition they’re not doing this because they hate christmas, because they want to ‘make things difficult’ or because they’re not trying. They doing it because it’s a part of the illness. So if someone is depressed, anxious or struggling with their food just let them deal with it the way they can. If someone with an eating disorder needs to have something else at the dinner table, don’t make a fuss or judge. If someone needs half an hour of alone time because things get too much then let them. Basically they need to do what they need to do to get well.

As a message to the others who are anxious about the holidays. It’s one day ofthe year, it may seem like the biggest thing but next year there will be another christmas. The most important thing is taking every day one by one and that is what you will do. I’ve been there, when you feel like you’re going to ruin everything and people would be better off without you but that’s not you speaking, that’s the illness I promise.

So as I travel home for Christmas today, I just want to tell people to be kind. Love no matter what this Christmas and remember a hug can mean more than a million words. I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas before we hurtle into 2016!

Chloe

P.S I’ll still be blogging every day over Christmas! Don’t think you’ve gotten away from me that easy!

Olympia 2015

Leave a comment

10296457_10154449172938206_7361295266509727469_o

Today I headed off the the Olympia Horse Show with Laura to finally use her 21st birthday present. Way back in June Laura turned 21 and I wanted to get her something special for birthday and so the obvious choice was tickets to Olympia. We sat and watched all different types of horses and events for 4 hours and returned home exhausted after watching in suspense.

I’ll admit that the thought of going to Olympia has made me nervous for the past few weeks. I didn’t know how I’d feel, what to expect and if I was interested in riding anymore. I haven’t been around riders and horses since I left the society last month, so it felt a little overwhelming when I got up this morning. As always Laura was a little ray of sunshine and her enthusiasm soon got me excited on the way and wondering what it would be like.

I can honestly say I had so much fun. Was I a little sad that I’m not riding any more and may not ride again? Of course I was, but that didn’t stop me enjoying the show jumping. It’s honestly one of the most intense and incredible sports to watch. The most fun to watch was the Shetland Grand National and the cutest was agility for the novice dogs (I even got to meet and have a cuddle with one of the dogs later).

Of course I’m pleased Laura had a great time too, she’s wanted to go to Olympia since she was 14 years old so I’m glad I was able to get her tickets and see her face. She’s been such a huge part of my spinal recovery from the moment I did it (she was the person who was actually there and went in the ambulance with me) and it was great to spark the interest again today.

It’s nice to know what once a year (or twice if I go to Ascot for Ladies Day in June), I can just go somewhere and appreciate horses and professional riders and not feel like I’m missing out. I’m not going to say I’ll never ride again but I won’t even think about it for a good few years, I still have a lot of recovery left and that in itself may take years.

All in all, I had a great day and I think I’ll always love horses. Thanks for a great day Tapps!

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Leave a comment

tfa_poster_wide_header-1536x864-959818851016

After weeks of having Star Wars constantly on the brain today I got to put on my new jumper and head into a galaxy far, far, away. Yes, I got to go and see Star Wars: The Force Awakens today with Ali after booking what seems like a lifetime ago. I’ll say now this WILL NOT have spoilers, because I think that’s cruel to all the people who haven’t seen it yet. That and someone ruined a big plot point for me on Twitter and I have a special hatred for them that will last a lifetime.

Did I like the movie? Yes, of course I did. I was apprehensive before going in and kept reminding myself that this was a new film, new characters and just to enjoy it for that but as soon as the music started I had a chill down my spine and squealed. Of course it’s common knowledge that the original heroes are back and of course they were incredible (there’s no question about that) but I need to focus on the new trio.

Rey, Finn and Poe are going to be incredible through the next set of films, I’m calling it now. All three actors were absolutely phenomenal and were working with an incredible script that made you fall into the story seamlessly. The boys both had a brilliant on screen dynamic and really gelled I felt but it’s Daisy Ridley that I have to give a special mention to. She’s had minimal acting experience but there is no way that you would know, her performance of Rey was flawless and I’ve fallen in love with both Daisy’s character and her acting.

12362923_10154441402843206_879430263649784210_o

The only thing I’m still not sure about as I write this is how I feel about our new Dark Side. Despite all the promo Captain Phasma didn’t seem to be that much of a big deal to me, she looked cool but I don’t know how vital she is to the story. Additionally I’m not 100% on Kylo Ren as a villain at this point, I have a feeling that as the movies continue our new villain will be one of the greatest but I’m just not feeling it yet.

So I’ve left the theatre feeling a spectrum of emotions and my overwhelming feeling is that I need to see it again as soon as possible. The Star Wars franchise is very much back and I’m already obsessed over theories for the next film. Only a year and a half to go!

Book Review: STAR WARS SPECIAL

Leave a comment

12112263_10154280736273206_3227370594667103646_n

Tomorrow I will finally be able to see Star Wars after picking up these amazing books and devouring them in the last month they were a great build up. Each novel follows one of the trio on a different adventure set between movies. Smuggler’s Run follow’s Han on a rescue mission across the galaxy, The Weapons of a Jedi shows Luke on his training to become a Jedi and in Moving Target, Leia continues to try and thwart the Empire.

As much as I’m excited to see the new movies and get to know Rey, Fin and Poe the original heroes will always have a place in my heart and so following them on these new adventures (which apparently also have hints in about the new movies) was brilliant. It also takes you right back into the world and the ways of the characters. I will say that each of the characters has been incredibly well written to match the movies.

While the books are marketed at children and young adults there is absolutely no reason that an adult wouldn’t enjoy these. They’re fast paced, exciting and can also leave you guessing while enjoying some of the traits of your favourite characters. That said, I felt like the Leia book especially showed a side to her which didn’t come across in the movies.

All of these got 4-5* reviews on my Goodreads account they’ve been very well written and more than anything got me so excited for the new movies. If you like these there are also more tie-ins being released over the next year, including one that will be released tomorrow about Rey, Finn and Poe (find it here).

Remember to check back in tomorrow to see what I thought of The Force Awakens!!!

The bug got me.

Leave a comment

Hello my lovely readers! I’m so sorry I haven’t written in what feels like forever but I’ve been struck down with the tummy bug of all tummy bugs since Saturday. One minute I was fine and the next I was hugging my toilet…classy. So now I’m hopefully back daily blogging unless it comes back for revenge (would genuinely rather give up a limb than get it again).

So, while I’ve been in my bed unable to do anything at all there’s something that’s been keeping me going and has given me something to aim for, Friday I will be going to see Star Wars The Force Awakens. I’m so ridiculously excited that I have cried at least once a day for the past 4 days worrying that I’m going to miss it. I only got into Star Wars this year and now I’m absolutely in love with it, especially as Carrie Fisher is such a badass. So I’ve spent the past few days watching interviews and trailers when I’ve been awake and I even had a dream that Mark Hamill and I were best buds. A girl can dream.

There’s not much to type other than that like has been very boring and food has been very bland, although today we’re up to cream of chicken soup which is the only silver lining about being sick. I have plans for blogs for the rest of the week; tomorrow will be a Star Wars themed book review, Friday a blog about the film itself, Saturday I haven’t decided yet and then Sunday I’m supposed to be going to Olympia if I’m ok.

I am back, it might just take me a little while!

Mental Health Awareness Week – My Story

1 Comment

IMG_3842

I thought about writing this piece all week, sometimes it’s hard to talk about especially when you feel a little vulnerable so I put it off and put it off but now I feel like I can share a little with you. So I suppose I can just start from the beginning.

I think for me it all kicked off at the age of 11, so ten years ago now (man I feel old). I was picked on at school before that but this was the kick off point. A boy at school took a particular dislike to me and so he used to hit me, tell me I was a slag (I didn’t even know what that meant), kick me, punch me. My collar bone was close to being broken and one of his friends kicked me in the ankle and sprained it badly. It’s not hard to see that this was the start of my anxiety and my hatred of school.

Then I went to secondary school and at the start it seemed to calm down, but that didn’t happen for long. Little incidents of bullying got bigger and bigger. People just liked to take the piss and I assume I was just an easy target. Of course I had some friends and I met Ali but they were all in the year above me. I think my depression started at around 15, which is sad because Ali and I were only a year into our relationship. From the darkest times all I can remember is just this feeling of despair, I didn’t know what to do I just felt lost all the time. I felt like I didn’t have anything and my life was trapped in school. I’d make charts to stick to my wall every day and count down any day that I had to be in school.

The worst point was when Ali and my friends left school, for the most part I was completely alone. I’d just let myself not feel if I had to go to class but for most of the time I didn’t go to school. Even though I went to the doctors all of the time not one doctor would help me or acknowledge how much I was struggling. Luckily I had my family, my Mum knew something was wrong and so I didn’t go to school a lot and taught myself at home. Every time I went in I’d get stressed, have panic attacks and sometimes I’d just walk out because I couldn’t cope.

I managed to leave with all my GCSE’s with a good pass rate, so much so I was allowed to take an extra course when I went on to college. I was happier there but still didn’t have that many friends in my own year, instead I hung out with the year above again. So fast forward to the end of my first year and my friends had gone again, most of them to uni but I still had Ali. I was still pretty ill at this point but now had a councillor and at least one doctor who thought I had an anxiety disorder.

I still struggled with low attendance, crippling lows and panic attacks but things were a little better. I got so anxious I threw up during my A Level exam, I spent the rest of the nights hysterical and sure I wouldn’t get into uni. I did, which was honestly the highlight it was a new start and I finally had a diagnoses!

From there on I’ve still struggled I’ve had big highs and big lows but now I’m working on helping others, I have a great doctor who understands and I’m on track with my recovery. I also have my incredible mentor who helps me, Ali, my family. I still have my illness and I might have it for my entire life, who knows. This is where I am right now and I hope it improves as much as possible. I’m going to keep fighting this for as long as it takes ❤

Book Review:My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga

1 Comment

23301770

“Depression is like a heaviness that you can’t ever escape. It crushes down on you, making even the smallest things like tying your shoes or chewing on toast seem like a twenty-mile hike uphill. Depression is a part of you; it’s in your bones and your blood.”

Because it’s Mental Health Awareness week I wanted to carry on the theme on my blog by writing a review of a book about what it’s like to live with depression. I’ve read a lot of these but there was something about Warga’s novel that really got to me, so much so I’ve recommended it to a lot of friends of mine.

Aysel isn’t a typical teenage girl, nor does she have a normal past. After her father committed a truly violent act that send shockwaves through her town she pulled away, her mother can barely look at her without being reminded of her father, the town stares and so Aysel finds comfort in the only thing can can, physics, but soon even that isn’t enough. She soon decides that this is where it all ends but she can’t do it alone. After searching for someone who won’t flake on a suicide pact she finds Roman, whose perfect life isn’t all it seems.

What I liked about this book is that suicide is not romanticised at all. Both characters really are at a point where they can’t see a way out of the misery of their situations and they don’t instantly like each other either. The thing with depression is when you meet someone else who is living through it there is a sense of understanding and that really comes through between the characters. They have nothing in common apart from their depression and that they want to die. It sounds incredibly sad, and it is, but there is also something incredible in the way they progress as friends.

I also found the situations that Warga put the characters in really interesting. Aysel’s father has committed a terrible crime and when we hear about such events in real life we instantly think of the victim and their family (and rightly so), but this made me wonder about the children of criminals. How the actions of their parents influences their lives. It’s not something I’ve encountered in YA literature before and I’d definitely love to read more on it.

This would be perfect for fans of John Green, those who liked All the Bright Places (I liked this more) and It’s Kind of a Funny Story it is a sad book but I think it’s a really important one in understanding why people want to commit suicide as I mentioned yesterday.

I gave this book four stars ****. This is an incredibly well written YA novel and deals with some incredibly tough issues in an amazing way. Warga has a true talent for YA literature and I can’t wait to read and review her next novel which according to Goodreads will be released next year!

Review by Chloe Metzger

Mental Health Awareness Week

1 Comment

 

This week is Mental Health awareness week. Initially I was going to write about my own life and struggles with mental health but I got to the point where I didn’t feel like that was something I could do in a healthy way, especially as I’ve not been feeling very vulnerable recently, I might end up writing it later. That said I came across this video, it’s heartbreaking but at the same time it’s so damn important.

Suicide is something that happens every day, for a variety of reasons people are pulled into the darkest depression and feel this is the only way out. This is not selfish. I’ve heard people throw that around a lot, particularly London commuters. If someone has gotten to the point where the only way they feel they can escape is suicide they’re not selfish, they are extremely ill. I wanted to share this video because of all the times I’ve heard people mention ‘suicide’ and ‘selfish’, maybe if they’d seen this video they wouldn’t say that anymore.

Also to anyone who’s struggling, hold on, you’re worth it and you’re not alone.

 

 

 

 

 

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!

Leave a comment

I know, I know. I’m holding my hands up and admitting that I have been an awful this weekend with keeping up with my blog, with Twitter with everything really BUT there is a good reason I promise you. As my regular followers know I’ve been struggling with my spine and depression and just stuff in my life generally so I took some time away to focus on myself. I had a show to play in Basingstoke anyway so it was the perfect time to try and recharge.

The car was loaded up on Friday with all the band stuff, Rhys and Dan and I was honestly just so pleased to go home, see my family, my dog and meet the cat. I also wanted to just be able to relax at home, I love my flat and living alone but sometimes you need to just be around people who want to look after you and make you food and tea.

The show was really great, especially after we ended up headlining and my friend Lucy came down and I haven’t seen her in SO LONG. It doesn’t matter how long me and Luce are apart we just slot back in together and laugh, knowing we’ll always be there. My Mum and Dad came too and I even managed to stand up through two songs! With the way my spine has been in the last month that’s a huge deal for me.

I got to chill out a lot with my Mum, my sister and little cousin which just made my heart happy. We got hot chocolate, walked around town and just spent time together before I went home to a new love in my life…

12348153_10154410941608206_7292478833227406808_n

This is Ed, my teeny tiny kitty who has become one of my best friends. This little dude is batshit crazy and now either sleeps with me or outside my room so yeah we’re buddies now and he is so pretty, so, so pretty. If you want to see more pictures of Ed follow me on Instagram because I get a little obsessed whenever I go home because he does so many cute things, like falling asleep in my arms. All of the awws. And for good measure here’s a picture of my beautiful pup too.

12342739_10154410947738206_4598147445075126276_n

Then I had to leave my lovely cuddly pets to drive back with Ali for another show and although I intended to blog last night but was in so much pain and so tired that I just collapsed into bed (so much so that I woke up late this morning and had to launch myself out of the door to get to physio on time).

So there we go I’m given myself a bit of a recharge I’m back, I’ve made a list of what I’m going to do on the blog this month and I’ve only got a week of uni then a few things to do before I go home for a week and a half and can try and relax. The important this is I’m back, I’m going to be writing and it’s all good!

Thanks everyone!!