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Something chocolaty this way comes…

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Ok so the plan tonight was to put my robe on, head out to a party and be more than a little bit hungover tomorrow. Seeing as I’m writing this you can all work out that it didn’t happen. I do love Halloween, even more when I’m in the US *cough* Mum and Dad *cough*, Tonight though I knew the drill, cheap drinks, expensive entry, awful chat up lines and long queues. Until this morning I was totally up for doing all that and having fun, then I thought about it and I honestly couldn’t be bothered after being up early for work today and having a load of stuff to do tomorrow.

I do slightly wish I was out tonight but at the same time I know it wouldn’t have done me any favours. I’ve had an exhausting week and my moods are just starting to become stable again after almost a week of dropping in the first place. Luckily the boys don’t seem to mind, Ali likes the company and the girls all have their own plans.

I do have loads to look forward to, other than the pile of chocolate and sweats I bought with the money I was going to use for tonight. It’s Ali’s 21st in 2 days!!!!! Then Joe’s and then I can finally start a real Christmas countdown. Taking it one step at a time, but so does having an excuse to buy bags of chocolate 😉

Happy Halloween folks! However you’re celebrating!

Argh!

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I’m sure the feeling of wanting to hide away and tell everyone to piss off is not lost on you guys. Everyone has those days, or in my case evenings when your tired, irritated and just want some space, some room to breathe from everyone. Sometimes mine goes a little deeper than that.

Next week is reading week, that’s right I’m six weeks in to my course and I’m definitely feeling it, although not necessarily from just studying. Societies, friendships, band stuff, working, volunteering for things, basically right now I’m exhausted. I’m ready for reading week and although I’m working half of it, the other half I want to just chill out, relax and not think about too much. I know I’m doing well, but sometimes when I’m doing well I burn out, get tired and then quickly start to get very unhappy.

The past few days have been a little bit like that, I know things are going well and then I don’t want to stop. Sometimes I just kind of forget my illness and try and get everything done because I’m excited and happy, I forget that as a part of this I need to rest too. It sounds silly but  rest is HUGE part of recovering from depression because it is exhausting. Low days make me so tired, I get pulled down and I just can’t do anything because it’s like a weight on me that I’m struggling to lift, sometimes for days.

If I’m honest I’m not at my strongest right now because I need a rest BUT I have found that when I go horse riding I feel a lot better, I get on the horse and that is all I focus on, no phone, no internet, no thoughts, just me and the horse. Today I rode Princess, a lovely older horse. I picked it up quite quickly and had a good ride and good feedback, I could feel my muscles getting stronger and actually my self worth. I’d never done this before and now I could do it and I loved it.

So when I go from feeling that good to just feeling generally useless I get frustrated and angry, sometimes to the point where I want to lash out at my illness because it’s just not where I want to be. I want to be happy and stay on one level but sometimes I just can’t.

I have a stack of blogs to upload for you all and I’ll get on that as soon as I can.

Sorry guys, it’s really just one of those nights apparently.

Last Night.

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Last year I didn’t really go out, I think I went out three times on a Wednesday, now I have strong group of friends on my course and they also double up as a bad influence. I casually mentioned I wouldn’t mind going out after I got home last night and Eleanor got straight on it. Within an hour I was changed, make up on and sat on a bus to one of the Student’s Union bars. I’d already had a Jack Daniels , 3 doubles, 2 Jagerbombs and some brilliant dancing to the Spice Girls and Eleanor and I were ready to hit Pryzm.

I danced so much, met loads of new people and a few I already knew as well as having an amazing time with Eleanor. I also made it to my 9am lecture this morning with a raging hangover, ended up having Mcdonalds for breakfast but made it though the day despite also aching from Horse Riding. I count that as a win.

Giddy Up! My first time horse riding!

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I’ve never mentioned wanting to go horse riding prior to second year, to be honest I never thought it would be something I could do. So at freshers I signed up with Amy and later Dani. I didn’t hear much after submitting my paper work but suddenly rides became available and they were being snapped up really quickly! I thought about it for all of five minutes and booked my first ride, not nervous it was two weeks away, right?

Flash forward to today when my anxiety raised its ugly head, I went from being nervous to absolutely bloody terrified. How on earth was I going to do this? Horses were absolutely huge, what if I fell off? What if I made a complete idiot of myself or made no friends. I got so nervous and anxious I was nearly in tears but it was the social aspect more than anything else, then the horse. Ali made me calm down, If you don’t like it you don’t have to go back. I got the bus and hoped more than anything I wouldn’t fall off.

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Can you tell how terrified I really was?

The staff were all lovely but seeing the horses and I started to panic a little, how was I going to get on one! So I watched someone else ride for a little bit and Amy being the lovely thing she is waited to watch me. Now Amy, unlike my friend Amy from last year is so, so tall. Apparently her ride earlier in the day was in a huge horse, I thought mine was but apparently she was tiny. My horse, Jemima, was lovely, very beautiful and incredibly well behaved. According to my instructor Kate she’s a horse that calms down nervous people.

Getting on I mouthed ‘fuck’ to Amy (I’d nearly bolted myself earlier being so nervous), it took quite a long time to sort out my stirrups because I have such little legs, but at least I wasn’t put on a tiny pony which was another worry I had. I was really awkward and nervous at first but my instructor knew what to do and calmed me down, I relaxed and Jemima had me at ease. By the end of the lesson I could make her walk, trot, slow down and stop, plus I managed to get the rhythm fairly quickly too (being a musician is good for horse riding apparently).

Will I be going again? Definitely. I feel like it’s going to be hard work but I enjoy it, it’s something new and I’m loving that I’m part of a big group. The people I’ve met from society are all absolutely lovely, I have a social next week and we might all be getting jumpers! I’m part of a group that is actually a sport!

Today was followed by meeting Joe and now I’ve been invited on a night out even though I’m aching from horse riding…hmmmm do I or don’t I?

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Finding new loves

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It’s exciting when you find a new love on your degree. I’ve avoided Victorian Literature for a long time because of the way it had been taught to me, now I’m in university and I’ve absolutely fallen in love with Victorian poetry, only a few pieces but still. This is one of the greatest things about studying for a degree, I’m going down all these different paths and right now for academics I’m looking at prostitution in one module and Young Adult literature in another while on the side I’m looking at mental health in literature. I’m full of passion and excitement, which to me is what university is about.

I haven’t spoken about wanting to do an MA much on this blog but every day I get more of this overwhelming feeling that it’s not something I just want to do it’s something that I need to do, maybe I wont progress on to PhD (that bit depends on funding) but need to take that next step. There’s something about research that lets me just immurse myself in it, the only other thing I’ve felt like that about is music, the first love I ever had.

This might seem a bit sappy but today just put it into focus for me, every one of my lectures keeps telling me to be more confident, I know how to do this and I’m good at it and believe it or not I’m starting to listen. I submitted some pieces for first checks today and I’m not panicking for once, I know that they are good enough right now and I can build through the year.

Loving my degree, loving life!

An Autumn walk along the Thames

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There’s not much for me to really say in this post because this picture really says it all, the beauty of autumn. I think I’ve decided that autumn is now my favourite season, back into jeans, jumpers and ugg boots, parka jackets and popping in for a hot chocolate. Today though it was simply a walk along the river with Ali and his Dad, Philip. I think I’ll be doing this walk quite a few more times with camera in hand.

Rocking the night away – Oxjam Kingston

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No People Club Stoke Live

It’s not secret I love to perform, I’ve been doing it in one way or another since I was 7 years old. Tonight I felt alive, I felt attractive, I felt happy. All eyes were on us and I didn’t mind, in fact I absolutely loved it! Our first gig in Kingston town centre and what a gig it was, people came and danced (danced!!) and we went down really well. I finally feel comfortable being a musician, I love the feeling and this was what I needed to realise that I could do this for a living, I’d LOVE to do this as a living.

Being this happy has just made me feel complete. Rock on!

My Big Mouth: Is it that much of a big deal?

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Me and the Mr….well sort of 

Hey ho, we have gotten to this point in time! I’ve shared a flat with Ali for 3 months now and we haven’t killed each other, hurrah! For us, moving in together was just a logical step and a thing that we decided to do. Was I nervous? Yes. I’m fully aware I can be a total pain in the arse to live with and I was also aware that he is a grouch when he hasn’t slept. While it isn’t amazingly different for us after getting used to each other being around a lot of our friends are still intrigued that we live together.

My question is why is it such a big deal? We love each other, we used to spend nearly every weekend together so what’s the big fuss? We’ve been together long enough that we know we’re stable. I have so many cries from friends of ‘oh I don’t know how you do it! I could never live with my other half!’, other friends crack out the ‘when are you getting engaged?’ questions and want to know intricate details of of wedding which I haven’t thought that much about or planned…shock horror.

I’ve said time and time again on here that I’m happy where I am now. I genuinely am, we’re happy with each other just the way things are. I have a place at a great uni, a job I love and friends that mean the world to me, why would I spend time fantasising about my wedding? I can assure you it’s not because I’m work obsessed but I’ve just turned 20 years old and everyone is so keen to marry me off!

Moving in together, getting married they both seem like the things you do if you’re in love and when your in that place they are a big step but I don’t think the person living it get’s half as shocked than those around them. Would I say yes if he asked? Of course I would but I’d also be shocked as to why he was asking while we were still in uni. We can’t even afford a cat right now let alone a wedding!

So right now I’m happy that we’re both slightly mad 20 somethings enjoying uni, finding out what we want to do for work and just enjoying being us and loving each other, faults and all. So don’t count on wedding bells in the next year or two!

‘I’m a mess right now’

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I’m still quoting,thinking, listening to Ed Sheeran so I though I’d use lyrics from his latest album to describe my day. This isn’t a post about my life going in tatters or a twenties crisis. I have food poisoning so I’m a sleeping, stupidly warm mess right now. To top it all off apart from sleeping I’ve also managed to pour boiling hot tea on myself, the sofa and the floor which is just what you want.

So it will not be an interesting blog last night because food poisoning is currently my life. I’ll hopefully be back on top form tomorrow and pick out some new oh so stylish glasses, geek chic here we come.

My Big Mouth: Experience, experience, experience!

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On my way into London last weekend for a literature festival…more experience! 

Sat in a conference room today learning all about Social Media work I realised something, I actually felt old and a tad confused. I’m no stranger to work experience or working in general, I had the normal experience when I was 15 in a book shop (I didn’t want to leave and cried at the thought) and then got a job that paid as soon as I turned 16. I’ve been in that position for the past 4 years and have worked various jobs, now they haven’t been glamorous or linked to what I want to do in life but then again at 16 I had no idea what to do with my life. Today I was surrounded by intelligent 17 and 18 year olds attending the same event as me, there were only 3 or 4 of us in uni.

I find this absolutely crazy, younger and younger we’re expected to know what we want to do with our lives. I know I want to get into digital media somehow and later in my life become an academic but when I was leaving school/at college my life revolved around my weekend job. The reason? It certainly wasn’t because I was in love with them. I hated my cinema and shop job, I was bored and I wanted  to do something. I even offered to be a part time personal shopper for no extra money because I wanted to do more, at the time there were no positions. Even at that stage I wanted to do something that made my brain stretch.

My experience at that age, however, is very limited. Now I’m in uni I’m supposed to go for constant work experience, internships etc. Some people can do that, I cannot. I have to have a job that pays and that’s the way I also like it, don’t get me wrong if my parents could support me in doing all these internships they would but to a point I don’t want them to. I believe in work ethic and I think I gain that more in my job now which I coincidently LOVE and get incredible experience in social media with. I do worry though will employers not hire me because I don’t have the ‘right’ experience? I mean I do a lot I’m a student, an ambassador, I work on the media channels, journo society, musician, blogger, work for the Kingston Writing School and training in academic research. Will these stand out?

I do feel that it is about a position of privilege unfortunately, I know a lot of people who simply can’t afford to do work experience placements or internships, that’s where blogs come in handy. In many industries you need contacts, then you need work experience before you can do work experience and a degree. There is a lot of pressure on young people and no wonder I’ve been anxious as hell lately up late at night worrying about getting a job when I graduate.

I’ve decided to do what I want and need to do, the workshop reminded me I might not have every skill but I have some that other people don’t, I have contacts and I am in a good position. Now I need to not stress!