I’m not giving up.

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I’ve spent a lot of time thinking for the past few days and it’s not always been positive. Being stuck indoors and not allowed to even clean when I feel like it has been getting me down, as has being in pain whenever I get up or go for a walk. I mean I’m human, those kinds of things would make most people fed up.

I haven’t slept much since yesterday and my painkillers are definitely kicking in because I’m sleepy as I write this (hooray!). I’ve been trying to get on with things as much as possible and without realising it I’ve gotten quite a lot done today, going for a walk to get parts of Eleanor’s leaving present, submitting my final assignments (yay!) and reading over a quarter of another book.

It’s weird knowing that I have 6 weeks of recovery and not doing too much, 6 weeks of living with this and not being able to go at a million miles per hour like I normally do, it’s going to take a bit of getting used to. I promised I’d be honest, I’ve been really low at times since this happened and cried a lot, mostly out of frustration. I feel slowed down and tired and I just want to do everything like normal. Ali says just think of it as a little holiday, do things I want to do and relax, I suppose he’s right to some extent.

I started reading Katie Piper’s Beautiful Ever After, she’s cheered me up once again. I was meant to meet Katie at the KU Talent Awards this year, she was supposed to be hosting but got rushed to hospital instead. I was gutted not to meet her but obviously glad that she was going to be ok, I’m hoping she’ll still come and visit Kingston because she’s an inspiration to me. So I’ve just sat reading the book and it’s made me smile and not feel so low. It’s also inspired me to use these 6 weeks to do something. I just want to write at the moment, I might take a crack at the novel again, write the blog and add more of my experiences and do some mental health work. I can use my recovery time to do some good through my laptop 🙂

In short, I’m not giving up. I’m not silly enough to believe that writing this post is going to magically change my mindset and there will be no more tears or frustrations, there will because I’m human. I just hope that I can start something good while I’m stuck with not a lot to do.

Please, please, please use the comments section below! I’d love to use this time to chat to you guys! Or drop me a tweet @chloemetzger 🙂

Image from Pinterest

Little things to cheer me up

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I’ve been waiting to write this post all day, but at the same time not sure to write about. I’ve been feeling pretty low today, miserable from not really being able to do anything. As soon as I feel miserable though, I also feel guilty and remember how lucky I am, which makes me feel worse a horrible cycle. Ali’s been amazing, as usual and won’t let me lift a finger. He’s gotten very cautious about making sure that my back stays as strain free as possible.

Today’s revolved around my laptop, my bed, taking my medication and books to be precise finishing 2 books in 24 hours. If I do 2 books in a day, I’ll be burning through my bookcase by the time I get to fracture clinic! I just keep reading, writing and I’ll submit my final essay of the year once I can have a read and I’m not exhausted. Aside from all that I finally managed to convince Ali that I’d be ok on my own he’s gone to airsofting with the lads. I’d resigned to an evening on my own with a take away for one and a box of chocolates but Laura stepped in so I could go outside and get some chips 🙂

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Laura and I 

It’s nice to just have little trips out, even if I’m completely exhausted after. I need to get out occasionally because it can get a little disheartening just being stuck here and being in a lot of pain. I need to listen to the pain now and not just brush it off, which if I’m honest makes me really nervous. I know how serious this is now and how easily something could put me in a back brace.

I had another nice little surprise when I got home, my hamsters were awake. I tried to play with them, see what they wanted to do and something amazing happened.  They stayed calm and just let me stroke them, didn’t even try to move which means they really are getting used to me 🙂 It’s the little things that make me smile the most.

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Noodle (left) and Hamski (right) chilling together

What’s in store for tomorrow? Probably more sleeping because all my body seems to want to do is sleep. I’ll be reading more books, possibly writing some more, editing and I think I have a few uploads here to do as well. As well as that I’ll be submitting my FINAL ASSIGNMENT OF THE YEAR YIPPIE!!!! So it’s taking a while but hopefully my x-rays in 2 weeks will show an improvement 🙂

Being very lucky

I’d dropped off the radar for a few days from Twitter, Facebook kind of because I got some shocking news yesterday about my fall. I’d been called back into St Heliers Hospital after my GP got a letter saying that they had gotten something wrong. I spent 7 hours in hospital yesterday with people looking at my spine, checking me, taking my blood pressure, having an MRI scan (which was absolutely horrible) and waiting some more. The result? I’ve gone from being told I have nothing wrong to having three fractured vertebrae, possibly a fourth that they’re not sure about. I’m also told that they’re not sure how I’m walking around as I am, basically I’m lucky to be walking and not to have to have surgery. For now I’m in the clear for surgery as I have stable fractures, hopefully they’ll stay that way.

For the next 10 days at least there is no driving, no shows, no carrying my handbag. I’m stuck either in the flat or for little trips out. In short, I’m very lucky to be walking and to be the way I am I just have to be extremely careful. If I’m honest, I’m heartbroken more than anything. I was living and breathing for riding this year, it was always the best day of the week, Wednesday. So I feel really gutted and a bit back to square one, I’ve had to cancel Prague and shows and my parents as well as Ali had to spend hours and hours in a hospital.

So hopefully these blogs will be updated because I really don’t have much else left to do. Everyone is being so good to be at the moment and to be honest my anxiety is sky high worrying about the fractures moving and you know what? I’m really, really angry that this was missed one, I could have forgiven but three or four is just not on. Now I just have to wait to go to fracture clinic for more x rays and hopefully all will be well until then.